YOU ARE WELCOME, PARENTS

I AM SURE YOU ENJOYED ANOTHER RAINY AND COLD WEEKEND WITH YOUR LITTLE ANGELS.

SUP MORTALS? SATAN HERE!

HOPE YOUR MONDAY IS OFF TO A GREAT START. I AM SURE YOU ARE FEELING NICE AND REFRESHED TODAY. I GAVE YOU A COLD AND RAINY WEEKEND SO THAT YOU COULD STAY COZY IN YOUR BED. I KNEW THAT YOUR TODDLERS WOULD QUIETLY ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES FOR 48 HOURS AND GIVE YOU AMPLE TIME TO RECHARGE. I PROVIDED THEM UNSUPERVISED ACCESS TO MARKERS, MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS, AND KINETIC SAND FOR JUST THIS PURPOSE.

THAT IS WHY YOU ARE FEELING SO SPRITELY THIS MORNING AS YOU REPEATEDLY WHISTLE THE THEME SONG TO COCOMELON LANE (WHICH I WROTE CO-WROTE WITH KANYE, BTW) ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR DESK.

UNDOUBTEDLY, IT WAS EASY GETTING UP AND OUT OF THE HOUSE. YOU DID NOT NEED TO DODGE ANY TOYS SCATTERED ACROSS THE CARPET. YOUR LIVING ROOM IN NO WAY RESEMBLED MY FAVORITE VACATION DESTINATION (WAR-TORN FALLUJAH). EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT KIDS BECOME EXTRA TIDY WHEN THEY ARE STUCK INSIDE THE HOUSE FOR TWO DAYS STRAIGHT. THEIR COLLECTION OF COSTUME JEWELRY AND PAW PATROL ACTION FIGURES WERE PUT AWAY NEATLY AND DID NOT CAUSE A TRIPPING HAZARD FOR BARE FEET ON A COLD HARDWOOD FLOOR.

YOU EVEN SAVED TIME MAKING BREAKFAST. A BUFFET OF HALF-EATEN PIRATES BOOTY, SIPPY CUPS FULL OF SPOILED MILK, AND MUSHY BROWN BANANAS WERE ALREADY LAID OUT ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE. NEED A PLATE OR A BOWL? THERE WERE LITERALLY A DOZEN OF THEM PILED UP FOR YOU IN THE SINK. MY PERSONAL CHEF GORODN RAMSAY WOULD BE PROUD.

DID YOU ENJOY THAT VISIT FROM THE GRANDPARENTS? I THOUGHT THE WAY THEY PLY THE KIDS WITH SUGAR ALL DAY AND THEN JUDGE YOUR PARENTING SKILLS WHEN BEDTIME GOES BERSERK WOULD REALLY HELP YOU DE-STRESS. THEIR REPETITIVE STORIES ABOUT DISTANT RELATIVES AND OLD NEIGHBORS SHOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE SOOTHING WHITE NOISE AGAINST THE BACKDROP OF THE POURING RAIN. I KNOW THAT THEIR DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS OF VARIOUS MEDICAL AILMENTS ARE GREAT WAYS TO MAKE YOU APPRECIATE YOUR RELATIVE YOUTH. AND I FIGURED THAT THE OPPORTUNITY TO TEACH YOUR DAD HOW TO STREAM MARCH MADNESS GAMES ON MAX WOULD BE A SOUL-ENRICHING ACT OF SERVICE.

YOU CAN PROBABLY EVEN TAKE A COUPLE DAYS OFF FROM THE GYM. THE 666 LAPS YOU MADE FROM THE COUCH TO THE KITCHEN TO FULFILL SNACK ORDERS IS BASICALLY A WEEK'S WORTH OF CARDIO. PLUS, I SAW THAT MOST OF THE TIME YOU NEEDED TO JUMP UP IMMEDIATELY AFTER SITTING DOWN. THAT COUNTS AS AT LEAST 500 BURPEES, MY FRIEND.

AFTER ALL OF THAT MUCH-NEEDED R&R, I FIGURED YOU WOULD WANT TO JUMP RIGHT BACK INTO THINGS THIS MORNING. THAT IS WHY I INSTRUCTED YOUR BOSS TO SPONTANEOUSLY ASK YOU TO "HOP INTO A ZOOM REAL QUICK" AT 9:00 AM SHARP. WHEN YOU FINALLY WRAP THAT UP IN ABOUT THREE HOURS, YOU WILL BE NICE AND HUNGRY FOR THE UNDERDRESSED SALAD THAT I MADE YOU FOR LUNCH.

SLEEP WELL TONIGHT, MORTALS. I WILL SEE YOU IN ABOUT 45 YEARS.