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It was an entertaining night on football's biggest stage. Who came out ahead and who is wishing for a do-over?
Winners
Patrick Mahomes
What else needs to be said that hasn't been said already? He has three Super Bowl MVP awards in six years. He did it with one of the worst wide receiving corps we've ever seen. He consistently intimidates opponents into making clock management gaffes. Early in the week he split 10's sixteen times in one shoe at the Aria, won every hand, and then interviewed a shirtless Vladimir Putin live from the Mandalay Bay wave pool. He tuned out copious distractions like his bikini-clad wife being all over the internet, his star tight end being all over the tabloids, his father being all over the road, and all of us being over his brother.
The Biden administration asked him several times to replace ailing Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, but Mahomes texted back, "no thx. i destroy defense." American hero.
Taranis, the shaman who cursed Kyle Shanahan
According to the Ill & Odd news desk, a local shaman has spoken out, claiming he cursed Kyle Shanahan outside of the NASA Space Center in Houston before Super Bowl LI. The shadowy figure known only as Taranis alleges that he foretold the Patriots' 28-3 comeback and the 49ers' losses in Super Bowls LIV and LVIII under Shanahan. The reason for Taranis's curse remains a mystery, suggesting Shanahan deeply upset the spiritual realm. "In the tapestry of fate," moaned Taranis, "Hubris invites the needle's curse. I whispered to the gulf winds, marking brother Kyle’s path with my invisible hand. As the falcon soars, it must heed the earth's call. His legacy, marked by the echoes of a lead undone, a reminder: the universe bends to the will of the unseen."
Aggro Travis Kelce
America's sweetheart went full meathead in this one. Kelce's shenanigans started when he angrily shouted at Andy Reid, after the head coach decided to rest him on a first down play in the second quarter. Luckily for Andy, the two Big Macs he crushed as a pre-game snack anchored him to the field and he narrowly avoided a sideline suplex on account of Kelce couldn't lift him high enough to pull it off. Trevor "Lank" Lawrence was on the golf course and could not enter from beneath the ring to provide assistance. With pure, uncut testosterone coursing through his veins, Kelce made several huge catches, ran over a couple of defenders, body slammed Fred Warner through the Spanish announcers' table, and finished with 9 receptions for 93 yards.
Usher
The guy roller skated in front of 115 million people and didn't make an ass out of himself. That's a win. My wife even licked the TV when he took off his sweat-soaked shirt and began flexing his abs into the camera. He certainly had a better night than I did! I didn't recognize the first few songs, so I started yelling at everyone to Google the lyrics so that I could correctly score my prop pool's "opening song" bet. Once I pissed off my entire family, things settled into a rhythm. I found his set impressive enough to say, "Hey, I know this one! I didn't know he sang this!" at least three times.
Plus, I saw a video on TMZ of Usher and Lil Jon drinking Four Lokos together on the High Roller ferris wheel at the Linq. That looked like one hell of an afterparty.
Michael Cera
I'll never look at moisturizer the same way again.
Blake Lively
For obvious reasons.
Officiating
This seemed like a pretty clean game to me. The only time I really noticed the refs was on a nearly-backbreaking holding penalty on the Chiefs defense early in overtime to extend the 49ers drive, then a few plays later on Kyle Juszczyk's borderline catch. If the 49ers went on to win, maybe we're talking about those plays a little bit more today. But, honestly, they were both probably the right calls. So I'm glad we're not arguing over a game-deciding flag this morning.
The Ill & Odd news desk caught up with non-catch expert Dez Bryant at the Galveston Island Rainforest Café and asked him for comment. According to Mr. Bryant we should, "Get the fuck out of here you fuckin' freaks. Let me eat my Mojo Bones in peace!"
Losers
Gordon Ramsay
It was absolutely hilarious to see him sharing a luxury box with Guy Fieri. At one point Ramsay pointed out towards The Strip's replica Eiffel Tower, regaling Fieri with tales of his time apprenticing in Paris with Michelin-starred chefs Guy Savoy and Joël Robuchon and waxing poetic about the culinary technique behind his world-famous Beef Wellington. Fieri responded by gesturing a block down the road towards his alma mater, the UNLV School of Hospitality, and gave Ramsay his cell number just in case Gordon ever needs some architectural pointers for building structurally-sound Trashcan Nachos.
The duo then shotgunned a six pack of Flavortown Spiked Fruit Punch, pantsed Carrot Top, and were escorted from the stadium by Taylor Swift's private security firm.
All Politicians
Hillary Clinton posted "Congratulations to Taylor's boyfriend—and the entire Kansas City Chiefs community! 💕🏈", then retweeted a video of Trump encouraging Russia to attack NATO allies to let us know that this is the most important election of our lifetime except for the one where she bungled a 7-point lead in the polls. Kyle Shanahan's agent has reached out to her about a cabinet position.
RFK Jr. joined the fracas with a Super Bowl ad so offensive that all of the other Kennedys demanded an apology from beyond the grave.
Then Joe Biden took some time off from mixing up the names of world leaders and clinging to his 34% approval rating to post a Dark Brandon meme. Cute!
Trump responded in kind by "truthing" that Taylor Swift should thank him for signing the Music Modernization Act. Gotta hand it to him for trying to take credit for the Eras Tour. And let's not forget the insane right-wing conspiracy theorists that think it's a good electoral strategy to villainize the country's most popular woman while touting abortion bans as legislative victories.
How 'bout the athletes stick to sports when all of you morons stick to playing grab ass at the Capitol? Or at least make Super Bowl Monday a national holiday. Now THAT'S change I can believe in.
Emo Travis Kelce
If Aggro Travis was the winner, then Emo Travis was the loser. Kelce's sensitive side had been on full display during his burgeoning relationship with Taylor Swift. There was even talk of him contributing some guest harmonies on The Tortured Poets Department. All of that was destroyed during a painful two-minute rendition of "Viva Las Vegas" performed by Kelce from the podium last night.
You could see Taylor Swift get the "ick" in real-time. Swifties might try to gloss over the Andy Reid bodyslam from the second quarter, but they certainly cannot accept non-catchy choruses and pitchy vocals. Prediction: this whole thing fizzles out before the new album drops. Potentially because the other Kelce steals his brother's girl...
Jauan Jennings
I guess it's kind of hard to call Jennings a loser. He had a great game, catching a touchdown AND throwing a touchdown. You have to believe he was on his way to an MVP award. Then just when it seemed like it was about to happen, Patrick Mahomes Sr. drunkenly drove his car out on to the fairway and knocked over a radio tower. Fortunately for Shooter McGavin, there were no putt putt courses in Jennings' hometown of Cowan, Tennessee.
The only other player to have a passing and a receiving touchdown in the Super Bowl did end up winning the MVP (Nick Foles of the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LII). Never a gracious winner, Foles texted Jauan Jennings a picture of his infamous junk this morning, alongside a peanut emoji.
Sportsbooks
Nobody is going to cry for them, but they had a rough night. The majority of the handle was on Kansas City getting the points. The total was interesting as well — coming down from 47.5 to 46.5 by kickoff. That ended up being a big difference, as overtime pushed the final score to 25-22 to middle it. All of the Travis Kelce overs pretty much hit, so the casual Swifties got their $4.90 profit. And if you're a glutton for punishment like me, you probably teased one side or the other with the total. And no matter what permutation you used, the 6-point tease paid out.
Not to mention Kid Rock had $2 million on Reba McEntire's under and is urging his fans to storm FanDuel HQ and hang the VP of Operations unless they pay him out. We will continue to monitor the situation.
Gravity
Not so much a loser, but it certainly impacted the game. I knew gravity was going to be a little bastard as soon as I saw that unabashed Moon Landing conspiracy theorist Post Malone singing "America The Beautiful". Sure enough, all of the toilet bowls in the stadium began to slosh under the influence of the tidal forces. I then lost a mortgage payment as the coin flip fluttered through the side effects of the universe's ongoing flirtation with chaos theory and the infamous Three-Body Problem, landing on heads for just the fourth time in the last eleven tosses. The Chiefs proceeded to fumble four times and somehow only lost one of them. Also a punt grazed off a 49er's foot resulting in a huge lead change in favor of the Chiefs. Forget Swift-gate, someone should really look into what NASA was up to on Sunday.
Parents
It's really fun when you have about six hundred prop bets in action that will all be settled between 6:45-7:30 PM (coin flip, anthem, first commercial, first play from scrimmage, the list goes on and on...). You look forward to it all day and then right when the game is about to start, you remember that you have two kids who need to get their pajamas on, read like 10 million books, search the house for oddly specific blankets and stuffed animals that always seem to be lurking in some dark corner no matter how many times you say, "Hey we really should find a place for these so they don't get lost."
They finally go to sleep and then like 30 minutes later you wake them up by accidentally yelping when San Francisco muffs a punt and the whole cycle starts again. Then the game goes deep into overtime, so you go to bed extra late with a bit of a buzz. The kids wake up at 6:30 AM. No mercy.
They should move the game to like Friday at noon when they are at daycare and work is pretty much wrapped up for the week. Let's try that next year, okay?