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Our resident quarterback expert ranks the 14 playoff signal callers.
Editor’s Note: I asked my Uncle Jack to rank the 14 playoff quarterbacks heading into Wild Card Weekend. Here's what he sent me back, mostly verbatim. I had to change a few adjectives so we wouldn't get sued, and obviously he had no clue how embed anything. But other than that, I think we captured the essence.
1. TJ Shroud (HOU)
Why he is the best:
He has an IQ of 168, biceps bigger than Matt's big head, and a tattoo of Reagan right on his ass. As I've said from day one, he's the total package. Your not going to find a better all-around player in the National Football League. Immediately after winning the AFC South on national television, he emergency landed a 737 Max and carried an old lady's bags off the plane to boot. True American hero.
Favorite memory from this season:
Setting the rookie record for most passing yards in a game (470) against the Bucs.
Favorite off-day activity:
Climbing Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen.
Favorite food:
Rare ribeye, all the trimmings.
Things he hopes we forget:
The time at Ohio State when Justin Fields farted on his pillow.
How far will he go:
This year? Second round tops. Career? First-ballot to Canton and future senator from the great state of Texas.
2. Lavar Jackson (BAL)
Why he is one of the best:
Apparently the betting sites all think he's the surefire MVP. Look, he's good. He's no Shroud. But he's good. Nobody is a better dual-threat QB in the league (unless you count the threats Danny DeVito's "familia" makes to local pizza joints).
Favorite memory from this season:
Beating the tar out of the 49ers on Christmas Day to seal his MVP campaign.
Favorite off-day activity:
Doing deep breathing exercises in busy airport terminals.
Favorite food:
Not picky as long as it does not have Vitamin C.
Things he hopes we forget:
Multiple games missed to illness. Multiple drives missed to diarrhea.
How far will he go:
Either the Super Bowl or the walk-in clinic.
3. Patrick Mahoney (KC)
Why he is one of the best:
Two-time Super Bowl champion, defending his title. Not many people could drag the collection of bozos in the Kansas City wide receiver room to a division championship, but Patrick did it. His sidearm throws and electrifying athleticism are enough to get my wife Susie to look up from her Suduku puzzles and raise her left eyebrow about 1.5 centimeters. Now THAT is something special.
Favorite memory from this season:
The afterparty following the "Taylor Swift" game — a 41-10 beatdown of the Chicago Bears where he threw for 3 touchdowns and then did a "Lavender Haze" duet with Mother herself in his Kermit the Frog voice.
Favorite off-day activity:
Attending semi-pro women's soccer matches.
Favorite food:
Culver's ButterBurger
Things he hopes we forget:
That his brother exists. That Kadarius Toney exists.
How far will he go:
Depends on how much rosé Taylor and Brittany drink that night.
4. Dak Preston (DAL)
Why he is one of the best:
Led the league in touchdowns by a pretty wide margin and went undefeated on his home turf. Probably has a case to be the MVP, but doesn't have the those thick hairless legs that Lavar has. Still needs to prove it in the playoffs, but won't.
Favorite memory from this season:
Beating the stuffing out of the Commanders on Thanksgiving and going home with Dolly Parton.
Favorite off-day activity:
Mowing Jerry Jones' lawn in his bathing suit.
Favorite food:
Peanut M&Ms
Things he hopes we forget:
How far will he go:
Probably out in the first round as usual.
5. Bill Purdy (SF)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Because I'm pretty sure my hippie son Colin, who's idea of a sports is doing hot yoga, could quarterback this team to the playoffs. Purdy has more weapons at his disposal than Obama stole from you in 8 years, and that's a crapload (pardon my French).
Favorite memory from this season:
His 4-touchdown performance against the Eagles that firmly knocked Philly into a kamikaze tailspin and garnered him some serious MVP buzz.
Favorite off-day activity:
Watching the news.
Favorite food:
Rye bread.
Things he hopes we forget:
Lavar coming into his house on Christmas, sneezing all over his living room, leaving a turd under his tree, and stealing his MVP bid.
How far will he go:
Wherever Kyle Shananahan tells him.
6. Kyle Allen (BUF)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Stupid crud like this at least once per game.
Favorite memory from this season:
3rd & 13 scramble on Sunday night with the AFC East title on the line.
Favorite off-day activity:
Getting liquored up at UFC events with his boys.
Favorite food:
Puts ranch on his pizza.
Things he hopes we forget:
That he's actually not very good and is prone to backbreaking turnovers at the worst possible times and probably won't get very far in the playoffs unless he gets his head out of his behind how bad is the AFC that this team is the 2-seed does anyone want to win this conference or what?
How far will he go:
AFC Championship game with 13 seconds left.
7. Matthew Stratford (LAR)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
According the priest at our local parish, his name actually means "slightly above average" in Latin.
Favorite memory from this season:
Going 6-1 down the stretch with his only loss coming in OT against the Ravens (on a kick return). Or maybe helping Puka Nacua have basically the most prolific rookie receiving season in history. That's kind of cool too.
Favorite off-day activity:
Fundraising for Doctors Without Borders.
Favorite food:
Bagel chips with vagan cream cheese dip.
Things he hopes we forget:
His entire stint with the Lions (but lucky for him, it's easy to do).
How far will he go:
Second round tops.
8. Jared Hertz (PHI)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Went 1-5 down the stretch and bent his middle finger sideways while attempting to shove it up Nick Siragami's rear end. I've never seen a player look like their having less fun, and I used to force Colin to play Pop Warner every Saturday morning until he turned 16 and got a job. I guess it makes sense he's so unhappy since he has to play in the drugs-and-crime ridden city of Filthadelphia. My radio programs tell me it's terrible.
Favorite memory from this season:
Starting 10-1 is pretty cool.
Favorite off-day activity:
Playing Yahtzee with his grandmother.
Favorite food:
Raisins.
Things he hopes we forget:
A fumble-six in the Super Bowl is quite a boner.
How far will he go:
1 yard (that push is unstoppable).
9. Tua Tagovailoa (MIA)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Because last year his brains got turned into scrambled eggs and Skylar Johnson had to start a playoff game for the Dolphins. This year, he did pretty good (most passing yards in the NFL) but still has to prove it in a big game.
Favorite memory from this season:
His 4-touchdown, 309-yard performance in Miami's 70-20 win over the Broncos early in the season. Honestly, those stats seem a little light for a game in which the offense put up 70. Guess he didn't eat his bacon that day.
Favorite off-day activity:
Skinny dipping in the dolphin tank outside Hard Rock Stadium.
Favorite food:
Food court poke bowl.
Things he hopes we forget:
The time he walked in on Nick Saban singing "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" in the shower.
How far will he go:
He won't be shown on proper broadcast TV again this season (what the heck is Peacock? Do I get that on my Firestick?).
10. Joe Falco (CLE)
Why he isn't higher on the list:
Older than the dinosaurs.
Favorite memory from this season:
He can't remember because he's old.
Favorite off-day activity:
Playing Spades at the Rotary Club.
Favorite food:
Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
Things he hopes we forget:
His entire stint with the Jets.
How far will he go:
Loses to Shroud or makes the Super Bowl. No in-between.
11. Jeremiah Love (GB)
Why he is one of the worst:
He lost to Danny DeVito in primetime.
Favorite memory from this season:
Upsetting the Lions on Thanksgiving on a belly full of Matt LaFleur's garlic mashed potatoes. He vomited twice inside the blue tent but still put up 268 yards and 3 touchdowns.
Favorite off-day activity:
Baritone sax.
Favorite food:
Cut up hot dogs dipped in ketchup.
Things he hopes we forget:
His rookie year at training camp when Aaron Rodgers dared him to lick a toad. He woke up 3 days later at a resort in Wisconsin Dells lying naked at the bottom of a waterslide with flower pedals glued all over his body.
How far will he go:
Second round.
12. Blake Mayfield (TB)
Why he is one of the worst:
When you go 9-8 and people are like, "Whoa gee look at how well he's doing!" that means that you aren't that good. He ended the year by putting up a total of 22 points against the Saints and Panthers. Not impressed.
Favorite memory from this season:
Beating the Eagles in the Wild Card round... wait hold on.
Favorite off-day activity:
Snapping towels at other patrons in the Planet Fitness locker room.
Favorite food:
Pretzel rods.
Things he hopes we forget:
In 2019 when he shot a nationally televised commercial for Progressive Insurance with the slogan "Protect You're House". Then promptly quarterbacked the Cleveland Browns to an 0-3 start at home.
How far will he go:
He's down for whatever after a few cold ones.
13. Madison Rudolph (PIT)
Why he is one of the worst:
I dunno but his coach thought Mitch Trubisky was a better option so how great can he possibly be?
Favorite memory from this season:
He can tell everyone he had an undefeated season as the starting quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0).
Favorite off-day activity:
Knitting.
Favorite food:
A whole carrot you leave out by the fireplace.
Things he hopes we forget:
How far will he go:
Out in the first round.
14. Jared Goof (DET)
Why he is the worst:
He cyber bullied my friend Tony from the plant's niece so bad that she had to drop out of Cal and go to cosmetology school. Now she cries every time she has to give a manicure to someone with small hands. She's so traumatized that she'll only get on the internet to log into her Better Help account, but deleted all the other apps and stuff.
Favorite memory from this season:
I'm not sure what his is, but MY favorite was when his tiny little hands coughed it up three times on Thanksgiving. Susie's dry turkey has never tasted so good.
Favorite off-day activity:
Violating Facebook Messenger's terms of service.
Favorite food:
Shit cobbler.
Things he hopes we forget:
His stupid little face.
How far will he go:
Prison.
Uncle Jack's Picks
Can I do this too? It looked cool when you and your tall friend did it.