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The contenders and pretenders according to our resident quarterback expert.
Editor’s Note: I asked my Uncle Jack to rank the NFL starting quarterbacks heading into the second half of the season. He tends to get a bit distracted, so I simplified things by implementing a couple of rules. First of all, we’re using the expected Week 10 starting quarterback for each team, unless the team is on bye. If they’re on bye, we’re using the Week 9 starting quarterback.
Second, we are eliminating anyone who hasn’t started more than five games. This includes Kyler Murray (ARI), Will Levis (TEN), Taylor Heinicke (ATL), Aidan O’Connell (LV), Tommy DeVito (NYG), Brett Rypien (LAR), and Tyson Bagent (CHI).
The Contenders
These guys are the cream of the crop. Your not going to be surprised to see them on you’re television set in the Super Bowl this February.
Joe Burroughs (CIN)
Three things I like about him:
Cool under pressure
Grandma scored 82 points in a high school basketball game
Orange helmet
What he needs to win it all:
A strong calf muscle (no vagan diet!)
Lavar Jackson (BAL)
Three things I like about him:
Great runner, muscular legs
Most wins ever by a QB under 25
Sued Amazon.com
What he needs to win it all:
An Imodium before big games.
T.J. Shroud (HOU)
Three things I like about him:
Complete package / stud
Electrifying game-winning drive last week
IQ of 168
What he needs to win it all:
A miracle.
Travis Lawrence (JAX)
Three things I like about him:
Looks like a pro wrestler named Lank
No premarital hanky panky
Clemson had orange helmets too
What he needs to win it all:
A few more weeks of beating up on the AFC South to secure the #1 seed.
Patrick Mahoney (KC)
Three things I like about him:
His dad crushes Coors Lights all day
Prays on the field before every game
Sidearm throws
What he needs to win it all:
A haircut.
Jared Hertz (PHI)
Three things I like about him:
Loves John Cougar Mellencamp
Squatted 600 pounds (no Imodium!)
Great offensive line
What he needs to win it all:
A less-gay way to convert on 4th & 1.
Pretenders
Your delusional if you still think these guys have a chance. I’m sick of hearing about these clowns on my radio programs. Not gonna happen for you if your starting someone from this list.
Kyle Allen (BUF)
Something cool he did once:
Went toe-to-toe with Mahoney for 59:47.
Something dumb he did once:
Left 13 seconds on the clock.
Jason Herbert (LAC)
Something cool he did once:
Paid team doctor to stab Matt’s friend Tyrone Taylor.
Something dumb he did once:
Blew 27-point playoff lead to Jacksonville.
Dak Preston (DAL)
Something cool he did once:
Ordered a 6-piece nuggets and a Big Mac, then put the nuggets ON the Big Mac.
Something dumb he did once:
Couldn’t spike the ball against sanctuary city San Francisco.
Gene Smith (SEA)
Something cool he did once:
Covered Russell Wislon up with a towel at Fort Worden Beach.
Something dumb he did once:
Got sucker punched by a teammate while on the Jets.
Tua Tagovailoa (MIA)
Something cool he did once:
Put up 70 points on the lowly Broncos.
Something dumb he did once:
Went to the bathroom after suffering a tongue laceration while eating 70 mango habanero wings, came back to the table and ate 24 more.
Bill Purdy (SF)
Something cool he did once:
Took a nasty poop in Trae Lance’s suitcase (also no Imodium!)
Something dumb he did once:
Picked last (loser).
Offenders
I have a personal grudge against each one of these guys. I don’t care if their the last quarterback on earth, I’d never root for them or pick them up in my fantasy league.
Jared Goof (DET)
Why I hate him:
My friend Tony from the plant told me Jared Goof cyber bullied his niece while they were at Cal.
Russell Wislon (DEN)
Why I hate him:
He wheres eye black to the beach. Does shirtless high knees in front of kids building sandcastles. Total weirdo.
Joshua Downs (MIN)
Why I hate him:
Replaced Kurt Cousins, one of the greatest Americans and men of God to walk onto a football field. Sorry Joshua, you seem cool but your not Kurt!
Garfield Minshew (IND)
Why I hate him:
Dresses like Freddie Mercury, sings like a broken accordion. Definitely on a vagan diet. Has mustache style that suggests socialist beliefs.
David Carr (NO)
Why I hate him:
Wheres eyeliner and supports the Bourbon St. freaks that flash there breasts in public. Offense makes me fall asleep and start snoring and then Susie yells at me.
DeSean Watson (CLE)
Why I hate him:
Ronald Reagan believed massages and creepy touching are un-American. No thanks!
Surrenders
If you’re team has one of these guys under center, bring a white flag to you’re next game and start waving it around. Your not going anywhere. Especially not the playoffs.
Steve Howell (WAS)
Reminds me of:
The stuffed werewolf Matt used to do wrestling moves to on the trampoline.
Blake Mayfield (TB)
Reminds me of:
Tony from the plant’s god son who sells supplements.
Jeremiah Love (GB)
Reminds me of:
A blank sheet of computer paper.
Bryce Harper (CAR)
Reminds me of:
A guy who talks about Wordle all the time.
Mat Jones (NE)
Reminds me of:
A slab of raw beef left out in the Las Vegas sun.
Kenny Pickett (PIT)
Reminds me of:
Eli Manning’s stunt double.
Zach Wilson (NYJ)
Reminds me of:
A idiot.