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Friend of the site Tyrod Taylor stops by to preview the 2024 NFL season through the lens of his current and former teams.
what up ill crew? it's ya boy tyrod back for another season guest postin on my favorite website. this shit cracks me up. talmage writin about that guy wearin socks at the water park made me laugh so hard at camp that aaron thought i dipped into his stash of peyote. kirk, my brother, thanks for makin baseball fun again, although i'm pretty sure ya concept of "the table" is just called "the standings". just playin, keep it up big fella.
so how's the summer been goin for y'all? i'm back where i belong — on the bench in new york. only this year i'm wearin green for a change. god i hope aaron's achilles holds up. all my offseason workouts have me behind on my tv programs. don't worry though, i have every episode of love island saved on my surface so i can kick it every sunday while my boy a-rodg goes out and makes jets nation proud/slightly uncomfortable. i'm sure i'll dig it since i'm no stranger to the concept of re-couplin.
i did get to check that shit presumed innocent out on apple tv tho. all i'll say is this: be careful jake! it's a slippery slope. one day you're agreein to do a prestige drama and the next you're gettin stabbed in the lung by some jabroni in san diego and losin ya job to a younger, whiter dude with wavier hair. peter sarsgaard was dope in that shit tho. loved that he was a cat guy. reminded me of talmage lol.
anyway, what the fuck am i doin on this site? legit question. talmage is gonna let me write emails for oddball again (he apologized for shittin on my clock management so we cool). he also asked me for my take on the jets and to unethically leak him inside info about my former teams. i ain't tryin to get fined by big rog, so you're just gonna have to settle for television analogies and ol' tyrod waxin poetic about some of his favorite memories. here ya go.
baltimore ravens
my stats with the team:
starts: 0 (0-0 record) stabbins: 0 touchdowns: 0
interceptions: 2 passin yards: 199
the tv program they remind me of:
yo we can't talk about baltimore and not mention the wire, right? omar little and ed reed are basically the same cat. nobody strikes fear into ya boy tyrod's heart like those two menaces. then ya got stringer bell who was always tryin to balance his life of crime with his legit business acumen and shit. sounds a little like my boy ray lewis don't it? both were gangstas with a vision for themselves that went far beyond the streets, but they couldn't stop gettin caught up in that shit (allegedly). jimmy mcnulty is obviously joe flacco. both had flashes of greatness but were plagued by turnovers and fakin serial murders of the homeless for press coverage. bubbles is justin tucker, comin in and stealin scenes even late in the series. flat out reliable dude. then ya got marlo stanfield as lamar jackson. the new guard, takin over the streets with an icy efficiency and reshapin the landscape of the drug game. lamar did the same except with quarterback play and vaccine denial.
my 2024 over/under pick:
over 10.5 wins. everybody's fadin them this year. i thought talmage, our resident contrarian, would go the other way. matty boy, who's beatin them in that division? man muscle russell? limp wrist burrow? deep tissue deshaun? i'll wait.
one cool story about my time there:
i got a super bowl ring in 2012 when my boy mcnulty took down the niners. crazy story about that super bowl is that i was tryin to watch an episode of girls that i had saved on my surface. i think it was the one where shoshanna finds out that ray is homeless. so anyway, my surface was on like 4% battery and i wandered around in the bowels of the super dome lookin for an outlet. all of beyonce's audio equipment was hoggin the electrical, but i figured one more plug into the power strip wouldn't hurt. boy was i wrong. as soon as i connected that shit the whole stadium went dark. i blew a fuckin fuse. at the motherfuckin super bowl. can ya believe that shit? the harbaugh bros were frantically lookin around to try to find out who did it, so i just blamed it on kaepernick. poor guy. he really started rackin up the l's after that.
buffalo bills
my stats with the team:
starts: 43 (22-20 record) stabbins: 0 touchdowns: 51
interceptions: 16 passin yards: 8857
the tv program they remind me of:
for this we gotta pick somethin that was close to bein fuckin brilliant but couldn't land the plane and for me that's gotta be lost yo. sorry not sorry to my home boy jj abrams. and yeah, i get it, everyone who thinks the endin meant they were dead the whole time is a mouth breather. but irregardless, the final season is a disaster. kinda like how whenever the bills get a sniff at the big game all of a sudden they are flashin sideways, introducin some new temple plot, and eatin up episodes with these dogen and lennon jabronis that never get us anywhere. that said, i have all those early eps saved on my surface tablet. the fuckin hatch, bro? that shit gets me so pumped i wanna jump through a table. whenever i'm feelin down on a road trip, i spend some time with my boy hurley and he gets me smilin again. watchin josh allen electrify the bills mafia all sunday afternoon and then throw a heartbreakin end zone pick is just as frustratin as that polar bear cliff hanger all these years later.
my 2024 over/under pick:
under 10.5 wins. i'm with the big fella on this one. my jets are gonna crush them.
one cool story about my time there:
made the playoffs there in 2017. we beat the dolphins week 17 and then my crimson-hued home boy andy dalton upset the ravens to earn us a playoff bid. the bills mafia did it up right and donated to dalton's charity. i also took him out to duff's and we did the death wings challenge. my lord, ya think that boy is splotchy and red on a normal day, ya shoulda seen him after half a dozen drumsticks. that shit was fire. literally. he was shootin his red rifle into the toilet bowl for a fortnight after that. anyway, my stomach was fully destroyed from that too and we only managed 3 points in the ensuin playoff game. yeah boys, i lost a playoff game to fuckin blake bortles. not my proudest moment.
cleveland browns
my stats with the team:
starts: 3 (1-1-1 record) stabbins: technically none, tho i did threaten to shank hue jackson in the locker room touchdowns: 2
interceptions: 2 passin yards: 473
the tv program they remind me of:
law & order: special victims unit. pretty sure this was a legit episode called "deep tissue" that aired in the early aughts. when a string of allegations surface against famed quarterback darrell "the rocket" weston (ludacris guest stars), the special victims unit is called in to investigate a disturbin pattern of misconduct involvin massage therapists across the city. the high-profile case places captain benson under intense media scrutiny, as each new accuser comes forward with harrowin stories of weston's manipulative behavior behind closed doors.
tutuola is tasked with gatherin testimony from the victims, but as the list of women grows, he encounters a bunch of shade from weston's high-powered legal team and die-hard fans who refuse to believe the accusations. meanwhile, munch finds himself at odds with the jabronis in cabot's office because they hesitate to press charges against a star athlete with millions of dollars on the line.
amid the mountin tension, stabler is forced to confront his own biases as he clashes with benson over how far they’re willin to push the investigation. stabler's a big fan of weston's goin back to his childhood and shit. in the final showdown, benson faces off against weston in a tense courtroom confrontation, questionin whether the truth can prevail in the face of wealth, power, and public opinion. as the episode concludes, the svu team must grapple with the outcome of the case and its broader implications on the justice system. meanwhile, weston finishes the game 22-for-40 with 1 touchdown and 1 interception in a 26-22 loss to the steelers.
my 2024 over/under pick:
under 8.5 wins. not rootin for that creep watson and not feelin nick chubb playin on a leg that looked like a hundred bucks worth of quarters stuffed into a hockey sock like a year ago.
one cool story about my time there:
one time after practice, i walked my ass over to the rock and roll hall of fame in the freezin cold. i've always been a huge pink floyd guy. me and the boys used to listen to dark side of the moon synced up to the wizard of oz all the time back in the dorms in blacksburg. shit was mindblowin! i need to ask aaron if he ever did that while he was snortin the ayahuasca. anyway, i wanted to check out the tour replica of the berlin wall they have there, but found out the hard way that the rock and roll hall of fame closes at 5:00 pm. doesn't seem very rock and roll to me, but what do i know? i've always been more of a disco guy. at least those cats stay up past sundown.
los angeles chargers
my stats with the team:
starts: 1 (1-0 record like a fuckin boss) stabbins: 1 (fuckin bullshit) touchdowns: 1
interceptions: 0 passin yards: 241
the tv program they remind me of:
my 2024 over/under pick:
over 8.5 wins. they got four freebies against the broncos and the raiders. seriously, boys, what the fuck are ya doin pickin the raiders? plus those harbaugh bros don't mess around. i should know! i sat on the sidelines at the super bowl with both of them. i still can't tell 'em apart but they're all about positivity and runnin the football. two things the giants sure as shit can't do anymore without saquon. oh shit, we didn't get to the g-men yet. let's move on.
one cool story about my time there:
it's more like a novella since i was only there for like 30 seconds before they tried to murder me. but one time me and coach staley took a little trip to vegas to blow off some steam after a tough week of trainin camp. naturally i took him over to harrah's to play a little toby keith-themed blackjack (rip). before breezy, my favorite cocktail waitress, could even bring my first crown royal and diet, coach staley was doin weird shit at the table. the first hand he got, he just kept hittin. even after he had a hard nineteen! the guy was a maniac. he said the analytics told him to be aggressive. then he tried to call a timeout mid shoe and kept tryin to defer the cut card. it's like he was tryin to figure out how to blow a 27-card lead even tho ya can only go up to 21 in that game. finally i gave up and just went to the panda express next door to get my grub on. just watchin that guy play cards, i knew we were in trouble. maybe that stabbin was a blessin in disguise.
houston texans
my stats with the team:
starts: 6 (2-4 record)
stabbins: 0
touchdowns: 5
interceptions: 5
passin yards: 966
the tv program they remind me of:
my boy c.j. stroud is literally the chris traeger of the nfl — burstin onto the scene with relentless positivity, impeccable execution, and a knack for makin everythin look ridiculously easy. just like chris transformed pawnee's government with his boundless energy and obsessive perfectionism, stroud has turned the texans into playoff contenders with his superhuman quarterback skills. if chris traded his runnin shoes for cleats, we all know he would've been playin placekicker for the colts. plus, c.j.'s also got the infectious smile of knope, the machismo of swanson, the swag of haverford, and the musical abilities of mouse rat. as talmage's uncle would say, he's the whole package. let's just hope that stefon diggs doesn't show up and pull a councilman jam.
my 2024 over/under pick:
over 10.5 wins. put down a few grand down on that shit. go ahead. treat yo self.
one cool story about my time there:
unfortunately i played like shit in houston and lost my job to davis mills. i couldn't really help it. that was the year the first season of the white lotus came out. that shit was rivetin! when the australian bellhop shits in the suitcase and dies it was almost like i was right back at that blackjack table watchin coach staley split kings and double hard fourteens. plus they got alexandria daddario and sydney sweeney and tammy taylor (no relation) on the same show? how was i supposed to be concentratin on the playbook? i had no idea mike white could write tv programs like that. i'll have to ask him about it. is he still on my team? (editor's note: no).
new york giants
my stats with the team:
starts: 5 (2-3 record)
stabbins: 1 (cutlets got me right in the jugular)
touchdowns: 6
interceptions: 4
passin yards: 1399
the tv program they remind me of:
probably entourage. ya got all the glitz and glamour of the nyc sports market but their rebuild is movin slower than the medellin story arc which dragged along for multiple seasons of pointless filler. watchin the hard knocks offseason was like lookin at ari's crappy boutique agency office at the beginnin of season 3 where the elevator doesn't work and lloyd is droppin phone calls left and right. also, in both cases, the so-called lead was entirely miscast and ineffective. wasn't even good at what he was supposed to be a pro at — vince (acting) and dimes (throwin the football). sorry danny, ya know ya my home boy but schoen should've traded up for maye. good luck out there this year. when ya entire offensive line sashays out of the way and ya take ya seventh sack of the game, just know that ya can always come over and watch bachelor in paradise with me whenever ya want.
my 2024 over/under pick:
under 6.5 wins. drew lock will be startin for them by halloween.
one cool story about my time there:
i hated playin there so bad that i enrolled in private shiatsu lessons at a strip mall in secaucus to try to heal dimes' neck, but that shit was hard to master. plus deshaun watson was always walkin around with a washcloth tied around his waist makin weird sounds in the next room. so when that didn't work out, i paid devito's favorite pizzeria to start puttin steroids in the mozzarella. they were understandably upset when his agent tried to up the price of his endorsement deal and the whole scam fell apart. i'm a bit weary about still hangin around in north jersey though. if i end up buried under the stadium because of this whole scheme i'm gonna be really pissed. unless they have a charger for my surface under there. then i'll just hang out and watch my programs in peace for once.
new york jets
my stats with the team:
none yet, fool
the TV program they remind me of:
hard to choose! obviously this year we're the sopranos. slightly trippy like tony's boardwalk fever dreams, thanks to aaron lacin the gatorade with ketamine. but for most of history we've been theon greyjoy just gettin our dick chopped off and fed to the dogs year after year. such gratuitous torture that it gets kind of uncomfortable to watch. stick around though, garrett wilson loves red headed chicks and is gearin up for redemption by savin sansa stark. i'm still decidin if i'm more like varys operatin in the shadows or meadow's boyfriend that nobody takes seriously.
my 2024 over/under pick:
17-0
one cool story about my time there:
aaron told me he dosed biden with toad venom before the debate.
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