The Eclipse is Bullcrap

The mainstream media is lying to us again and the woke left is drinking it up like organic kombucha.

Hey kids, Uncle Jack here.

I had to end my NFL offseason hiatus to bring you dopes the real scoop on this so-called "total solar eclipse". First off, you really think the moon deciding to play peekaboo with the sun is important news? America is going to hell in a hand basket and somehow this is the only thing anyone is talking about on any of my radio programs. Second off, this whole thing smells fishier than Susie's infamous tuna casserole, and that's saying something.

Now, I'm not saying I'm a scientist (and thank God for that, or I'd be sitting in a gender neutral restroom trying to sip a soy latte through my N95 mask right now), but you don't need a PhD to smell the bullcrap a mile away. Their telling us the puny old moon is suddenly going to grow big enough to block out the entire sun? What, it started juicing like that one-balled bike-riding disgrace Neil Armstrong? That guy single-handedly made a mockery out of the moon landing AND the Tour de France. What a jackass. Sure, okay, next thing your gonna tell me is that a tiny little battery can power my F-350. It just doesn't add up.

The eggheads shoving this space shadow puppet show down our throats are the same ones who think the dinosaurs lived 65 million years ago and had freaking feathers. How dumb do these jerks think we are? Where are all those feathery fossils, Mr. Scientist? Didn't think about that when you were piecing together that plastic T-Rex at the Museum of Natural History, now did you? It's all just another chapter in you're book of fairy tales designed to erode my faith. Not gonna happen.

And another thing! Their telling us we need to wear these ridiculous glasses to watch the sky? Ha! I thought the eclipse is supposed to make things darker, not brighter. Then why the heck do I need to wear cheap sunglasses to look at it? I'll tell you why! The whole thing is a money-making scheme by Jeff Bozos who sent his network of ballot-box-stuffing sheep around to all the public libraries to collect the free glasses, then resold them all on Amazon and used the profits to fund the Biden re-election campaign. Don't you think it's a little too convenient that all of these public figures are suddenly nagging us non-stop not to forget our special glasses? It's like they are influencers for idiocy! That's Amazon's advertising budget at work, folks. Just an elaborate marketing stunt powered by mass hypnosis or mind control or some other hocus pocus orchestrated by the secret global alliance hiding out there in Seattle using computers to make vagan meat. They've clearly orchestrated the whole event to make the population more susceptible to suggestion, conditioning them for future manipulations.

Next they'll be forcing our kids to learn about that complete fraud Darwin in school or letting the students identify as Martians. Not in MY country!

And speaking of countries, why do you think the totality will be longest right on the US-Mexico border?

It's so obvious it's laughable. While everyone is looking up at the sky, the real nefarious activities are happening right they're on the ground. I saw on Twitter that the Biden administration is planning to sneak over 20 million illegal immigrants into the United States during the 4 minute and 28 second window. It's a complete disaster. Even Alan Musk was shocked. He replied to that tweet and said, "Wow." so that's how you know something is up.

Just 4 minutes and 28 seconds might seem like a short amount of time, but not when you WAKE UP and realize that all of this is simply a brief test run of a Democrat-controlled sun simulator. My sources in Congress (who stand outside all day holding Mike Pence's noose) sent me a fax that proves AOC has been working for YEARS to replace the sun with a high-tech artificial light source. They all laughed when Trump suggested UV light could cure Covid but now there using it to control weather patterns, agriculture, and even manipulate the mood and behavior of the population! The eclipse is just the first real-world application of the woke left’s ability to control what people see and feel. Don't fall for it! So, what's a red-blooded American to do? Take a page out of our hero, the 47th president's book and stare that commie sunshine straight in the eye. Exercise you're constitutional right to scorch you're eyeballs! Because if their is anything the Constitution defends, it's our freedom to think, see, and believe as we darn well please, not as some shadowy cabal dictates. Article I, Section 8 is all about uplifting science and innovation, not endorsing CNN's celestial charades.

So, go out their and grill you're steak, salute the flag, and let them keep they're stupid eclipse. Uncle Jack's got his eyes wide open, and no moon, sun, or Jeff Bozos-funded gimmick is gonna pull the wool over them. Stay vigilant, patriots!