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The mainstream media is lying to us again and the amateur stargazers are too busy eating tofu hotdogs to see the truth.
Hey kids, Uncle Jack here.
I had to come out of retirement (again) to sound the alarm about the liberal media's newest obsession of mass destruction: Drones. And I'm not talking about the kind my son Colin uses to get his vagan toothpaste delivered to our front porch in 20 minutes. I mean the kind that have been appearing in the sky like a plague of robotic locusts. These days, New Jersey has more of these things than it has sweatsuit-wearing waste management consultants. And the eggheads on CNN want us to believe this all "just some coordinated hobbyist activity"? Oh please. That's what Colin tells me his glassblowing lessons are for! But I wasn't born yesterday, and I sure as heck wasn't born in New Jersey.
First off, I've seen Independence Day. Don't tell me a bunch of glowing objects hovering in formation above highways is some kind of happy little coincidence. They expect me to believe that personal aviation nerds are launching synchronized drone ballets all over the Garden State for no good reason? Those nerds can't even figure out how to work a tube of acne cream, let alone come up with a coherent flight plan. No sir. This has got government psy-op written all over it. Probably being run by that pencil-neck Anthony Fauci to sprinkle more RNA droplets into our water supply! You think it's a coincidence these things popped up right before RFK Jr. takes over at HHS?
And now we've got experts telling us these drones are "smelling something"? Like what, my rear end? Radiation? More gas stoves for them to ban? Listen, when someone starts talking about drones "smelling", you've got two options: 1) Assume they've been taking glassblowing lessons with Colin or 2) Realize it's the government trying to throw us off they're own scent while they hunt for the underground bunkers where true patriots like me keep our bump stocks, plastic bags, and high fructose corn syrup safe from the woke mob.
Let's also not forget about Project Blue Beam. For those of you living under a rock (or a liberal arts degree), this is the cabal of shadowy elites who project stuff into the sky to freak us out and control us. You think I sound nuts? Ask yourself why the drones only come out at night. Ever seen a UFO at high noon? Exactly the same reason you don't run a movie projector in broad daylight. Drones? That's just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, do you really think the stars are pinpricks of light that took a billion gajillion years to reach our eyes? If you believe that, I have a bridge in Manhattan to sell you. (It costs a billion gajillion dollars thanks to Biden's egg inflation.) Today it's weird lights hovering over New Jersey; tomorrow it's a false flag alien invasion staged by the same guys who faked the moon landing, invented Finland, and left the window cracked open at the Wuhan Institute of Virology.
And don’t get me started on the politicians. Jeff Van Dinkle says these drones might be coming from an Iranian mothership. The Pentagon swatted that down real quick, but guess what? I don’t trust a word from the same folks who took over a decade to find Bin Laden. Mothership or not, someone’s flying around up their, and it sure as heck ain’t Santa Claus. You think those drones are avoiding restricted airspace by accident? No. There smarter than T.J. Shroud for the Texans, and that’s saying something.
And speaking of the NFL, Clarence Tynes thinks the drones are spying on the Giants and Jets practices. Makes sense when you realize those teams can’t figure out how to win a game unless their's a second-grade playbook involved. I wouldn’t put it past Bill Belichick to be piloting one of these things himself, clipboard in hand. Hopefully he beams that no-good cyberbully Jared Goof into an alternate dimension where he can no longer harass my friend Tony from the plant's niece.
But here’s what really keeps me up at night: Marjorie Tyler Moore says the government deep state might be controlling these drones. Finally, someone’s making sense. First, they stick “birds” with cameras on every lamppost, and now they’ve moved to drones. What’s next, smart loofahs scanning our birthday suits in the shower? These drones are mapping our homes, surveying our yards, and double-checking whether your social distancing from you're neighbors enough. You think I’m joking? Why else are they showing up near schools and suburban neighborhoods? It’s like there running a remote morality test from the clouds!
And notice how the media’s silent about all this? All they do is push grainy, useless photos and tell us not to worry. WHY IS IT ALWAYS GRAINY? It’s because they don’t want you to see that these drones are probably the size of Chris Christine’s rear end. And smellier too. If they sniff out too much methane, what’s next? Climate change lockdowns? You wake up one morning, and the FAA declares your backyard a “no-farting zone” to save the ozone layer? I hope my wife Susie isn't reading this. I don't want her getting any ideas about regulating my flatulence any more than she already tries to!
So what do we do about it? Simple. Take back the skies! Dust off that Fourth of July fireworks stash you’ve been saving and start sending a message. If you see a drone, launch a bottle rocket at it. Exercise you're God-given right to defend you're airspace. You think Ronald Reagan would have let some metal mosquito hover over his ranch without shooting it down? I don’t think so.
And if you’re worried about breaking the law, don’t be. These drones are probably illegal anyway and the Constitution is clear: “The right of the people to lob explosives at government surveillance devices shall not be infringed.” (It’s in their, look it up.)
Bottom line, patriots: Stay vigilant. The drones are here, and there not just for delivering scooped out bagels and oat milk lattes to my ingrate son. Trust no one, keep you're flags flying, and never let a robot watch you mow the lawn. Uncle Jack’s got his eyes on the skies — and a Roman candle in his back pocket.
God bless America.