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Volume 6 - 08.14.24
Come along for our weekly column into the endless domain that is Baseball. I'll be covering the Good, the Bad, and the Weird of America's oldest professional sport. I'll also dive into any other subject that rears its head along the way.
Good Morning Baseball Fans!!
Let's check in on my colleague Matt's beloved Mets after their latest push for the playoffs.
Well, at least the casket will be closed.
Well, really it'll just be a mound of dirt from the skid row of mechanics shops of Flushing sitting in the shadow of the stadium.
On to The Table.
We love Baseball but there are too many teams playing too many games during the week and too many divisions to constantly track. During the regular season we'll be taking a page from 'Soccer' and sorting through the junk to take a weekly look at some games at the top, middle, and bottom of The Table. All 30 teams ranked with the best at the top, mediocre in the middle, and dog shit at the bottom make up the full table.
Let's take a look at last weeks notable matchups.
TOP OF THE TABLE
The Milwaukee Brewers (2) vs. The Los Angeles Dodgers (5) (8/12)
The Dodgers and Brewers started their top of the table clash on Monday and behind solid performances from Shohei Ohtani and the still alive Clayton Kershaw, the Dodgers jumped to an early lead and didn't look back.
Probably should have lead with that Mookie Betts, you know the perennial All Star the Red Sox let walk, came back from injury, homered, and immediately put this team in playoff mode. Not that they weren't already. The point is they are loaded and we'll see if they can get over the yips this year.
The Dodgers are up 2-0 in the series.
The Philadelphia Phillies (0) vs. The Miami Marlins (5) (8/13)
I'm trying to look at the positives here. It's hard to do when your team is acting like it walked through dog shit 4 weeks ago and keeps stopping to lift up its shoe, acknowledge said dogshit, take a hearty sniff, do nothing, and keep on walking.
The silver lining is that the Braves and Mets have been equally as bad over this recent stretch and failed to make up any real ground on the Phillies. That does not make losing 5-0 to the Marlins of all teams any less embarrassing.
Fun fact, with that win they leapfrogged the Rockies for 2nd worse team in the NL. Even if the Rockies win tonight (8/13) the Marlins will still have a night out of that spot.
Marlins rookie and new comer on the scene, Valente Bellozo, destroyed any Philadelphia misconceptions of a Miami sweep to get things back on track. With just 4 hits, 1 walk, and 4 strikeouts and 0 ER through 7 innings Valente had a statement win for himself. This late in the season to get wrecked by kids getting called up is a tough pill to swallow. Old heads will say "Well they didn't have any tape on him!". Whatever helps you sleep I guess.
The Phillies are down 0-1 in the series.
MIDDLE OF THE TABLE
The Miami Marlins (4) vs. The Cincinnati Reds (10) (8/8)
Well it would appear some people don't have issue putting the Marlins in their place.
Not sure I've talked about the Reds once yet on this column but with some flip flopping of position in the NL Central between themselves, the Cubs, and the Pirates they do bear mentioning. As of right now they're only one back of second in the NL Central and 8 back of the Brewers.
The most notable player, and probably only one I can truthfully say I was aware of until recently, is Elly De La Cruz, and man is this guy good.
Check the stolen bases column. 59. 59!
The closest to him in total stolen bases this year is a tie between Shohei Ohtani (wait what) and Brice Turang (wait who). They each have 33.
He is an unreal talent. Maybe this Reds team will make a push to the playoffs and we'll get to see it showcased nationally. They're 6-4 in their last 10.
Cincinnati would win the series 3-1.
BOTTOM OF THE TABLE
The Baltimore Orioles (3) vs. The Washington Nationals (9) (8/13)
I love scrappy teams. Especially scrappy teams that take on teams at the top of The Table.
This game was death by a thousand cuts for the O's.
Also 10 hits with only 3 runs to show for it, you know, sucks.
Maybe it's because the Nats are essentially crosstown rivals they are playing up to their level. Per our AI friends at StatMuse, the Orioles are 62-49 versus the Nationals all time. We'll see at the series progresses if they can continue to fuck with the O's AL lead and give hope to folks like my friend Austin in NYC. Don't worry Austin, the Girardi curse is still waiting for you in the playoffs so don't get too cocky.
The Nationals are up 1-0 on the O's in the series.
The Chicago White Sox (12) vs. The New York Yankees (2) (8/12)
Oh my god what is this? A natural segue?
Austin what happened here?
The lowly, low, low White Sox, laid the high and mighty and frankly cocky New York Yankees low!
"This is a golden opportunity that the Yankees are letting slip away". You hate to hear it!
But not really!
I'm wrapping this up around midnight so a few teams records will have changed +1 or (-1).
Fights, good plays, weird shit. Drama.
While I was rooting for the Pirates as I may have an an unreasonable amount of funds allocated to them winning outright I can still appreciate a good play when I see one. Wait, fuck that, fuck you Jackson!
Some people hold a grudge. Some people are not wrong for it. What a delight to see the A's smack the piss out of the Mets in a game that's still going on as I write it about it! What a joy to see them mocked by a butt hurt Austin Adams for being traded by them for nothing in March! I'm not going to have to edit this at all as the Mets will definitely lose! Winning!
We need to see more of this type of content in the ballparks of Americas pastime. I mean if not, what are we even doing here guys? What's even the point of all of this?
Other sports are currently in the mix. Rip the lid off and compare the meat.
I went bowling yesterday with the family and it was a great time. Now, I'm not great at bowling but it's a sport that is fun to play regardless. Each time a pin falls down it's like a low stakes blackjack hand has paid off. I have a problem.
Anyway just this past week I recall watching bowling on TV at the restaurant during lunch. It was hosted by ESPN THE OCHO but not even that stellar programming powerhouse was enough to save the product they were pushing to the casual viewer.
Professional bowling is so god damn boring. They do not miss. If someone throws a spare I suppose it's a holy shit moment but there appears to be so little variance from the best of the best in the world of tenny-tenny-ten pins.
It's so boring that you can't even find it on ESPN's page. If you search for bowling you get Bowling Green Statue University and stories about Cricket players bowling a ball.
We need to get some fire into bowling! Some god damned excitement! Some theatrics!
I'll take on this burden alone. I'll assume the mantle of bowling magnate ($10MM annual salary, minimum) and fundamentally change the sport for the better. We'll be competing with the ratings of the WNBA and the NHL when I'm done fixing this shit pile.
My first proclamations to make this sport watchable and FUN for the masses of viewers screaming out for this:
One frame per set (set right?) the opposing player gets to force you to bowl with your nondominant hand. If they use this option they have to chug 1 pint in front of the crowd. Light beer is fine.
Loud music needs to be playing the entirety of the competition. Needs to be a blend of folk, 90's alternative, and latinx, all without semblance of any order.
One frame per set, you must bowl blindfolded. You may mute the music reference in point #2 above. If you hit a strike, you receive an extra $10K in cash immediately from a local sponsor. If you gutter ball the first shot, you are caned across the shins. If you gutter ball the second shot, if necessary, you are caned across the back.
Each player gets one "Hammer Throw" per set. They get a literal sledgehammer they can throw once to impede their opponents ball. The sledgehammer must be thrown after the ball is released and can not be aimed at the opponent themselves.
The audience gets to stop the action, at any time, 4 times a set to get everyone in the room to chug a beer. All competition ceases until it is complete. Only 21 years and older individuals will be allowed in the thunder domes moving forward. To determine the time of chuggery, they vote silently using those handheld machines that they use on Who Wants to be a Millionaire during the ask the audience.
Stay a while and listen.
It's been well documented on this site that I love movies firmly in the realm of shlock.
That shlock comes in many flavors.
Action, horror, comedy. And sometimes in kind hearted adventures.
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is one of my favorite adventure shlock movies.
It follows Ben Stiller's titular characters attempt to break out of his boring, mundane life that he ingests through a filter of constant day dreams. His life has no meaning and he becomes bold enough to attempt to make it have some.
A simple premise with a great soundtrack, landscapes, and perfect asshole in Adam Scott, this one is a put it on the TV and zone out comfortably for two hours with a slight smile on your face type of movie. A bottle of wine or some only recently legal narcotics are all you need for a warm and fuzzy evening.
We've got an unfortunate update for our fans not located out in the Windy City. White Sox Manager, Pedro Grifol, has been fired. We'd only just highlighted Mr. Grifol and his team just a handful of weeks ago.
To say we are shocked is an understatement.
I think what hurts the most is this is after he lead his team to the sweet taste of victory last Tuesday, 8/6. They snapped a 21 game losing streak and missed out on taking the longest losing streak of all time.
I mean the season was entirely lost of course, as I write this they are sitting at 29-91.a They lost several of those games in extra innings. It wasn't like they weren't trying as hard as possible to not be a laughing stock.
So when they finally snap the streak and Pedro Grifol was called into the GM's office a couple of days later he probably had a bit of pep in his step after helping his team exorcise their demons and avoid true infamy.
RIP Pedro.
We're going to the middle of August baby!!
With three quarters of the season behind us it'll be great to get into fall baseball, when people stop being polite, and start getting real.
Thanks for reading this week and if you have any comments, questions, or recommendations in regards to this series, feel free to email me at kirk@illandodd.com and I'll be sure to get back to you and may include them as part of a mailbag section.
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