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Volume 3 - 07.24.24
Come along for our weekly journey into the endless domain that is Baseball. I'll be covering the Good, the Bad, and the Weird of America's oldest professional sport. I'll also dive into any other subject that rears its head along the way.
Week three of our coverage and we're back from a well deserved rest during the All Star break. When you've put over two consecutive entries together you've got to do all you can to avoid burn out.
We love Baseball but there are too many teams playing too many games during the week and too many divisions to constantly track. During the regular season we'll be taking a page from 'Soccer' and sorting through the junk to take a weekly look at a few games at the top, middle, and bottom of The Table. All 30 teams ranked with the best at the top, mediocre in the middle, and dog shit at the bottom make up the full table.
Let's take a look at last weeks notable matchups.
TOP OF THE TABLE
The Philadelphia Phillies (3) vs. The Oakland Athletics (18) (7/14)
Okay this one falls out of the bounds of the last week for our usual coverage but I wanted to highlight it. Not because the result was good for my team, it wasn't, but so that the haters out there couldn't just rip me for being a Phillies stooge.
What a total and utter beat down. The A's definitely caught The Table leading Phillies asleep and slapped the piss out of them. They knocked in 18 runs with 8 of those coming off home runs!
The A's were led by second year man Lawrence Butler who while slowly building on his modest rookie season year numbers proceeded to hit 3 home runs and collect 6 RBI's. If Oakland as a franchise wasn't such a fanbase betraying disaster this kid would be a stand out.
The A's took the series 2-1 from the Phillies.
The Los Angeles Dodgers (9) vs. The Boston Red Sox (6) (7/21)
So it turns out that this Shohei guy is pretty good. Ohtani seen here clobbering the baseball almost 500 feet makes you wonder.
Maybe he is super pissed that his old translator stole all that money and lost it gambling.
Would a man with anything to hide not stand up in that batters box and destroy balls while imagining they were his old buddies face? He's a man singularly focused. Where did he learn this power and how has he only proceeded to get better?
The Dodgers swept the Sox 3-0.
The Chicago Cubs (3) vs. The Milwaukee Brewers (1) (7/22)
The Brewers lost to a solid defensive effort by The middling Cubs. Baseball is more fun when The Cubs are good. I'd say they are the moral persons Yankees.
And you know, the Yankees are the Yankees.
The Cubs currently lead the series 1-0 with tonight's game delayed as of this writing and tied into the 7th.
MIDDLE OF THE TABLE
The Toronto Blue Jays (2) vs. The Tampa Bay Rays (4) (7/23)
I'm kind of pissed. A perfect middle of The Table 50-50 was at my finger tips but it was all a tease! I'm blue balled over here as with a win the Rays pulled to 51-50 on the season.
Yes they were 50-50 as of yesterday but that doesn't matter because of the timing of this article. Fuck! It came and went and maybe I'll be able to juice the standings next year. DAMNT!
I'm guessing anyone who actually watched this mid game was in a hospital ER waiting room.
They Rays lead the series 1-0.
The New York Yankees (2) vs. The New York Mets (3) (7/23)
Here I was going to check in on the NYC little brother only to stumble upon the fact that not only the Mets are 7-3 over their last 10 but they took one from the Yankees tonight!
Fuck you Matt!
The Mets lead the series 1-0.
The Pittsburg Pirates (2) vs. The St. Louis Cardinals (1) (7/22)
Another team on a run (which I called two weeks ago) are the feisty Pirates led my near perfect pitching. They're also 7-3 over their last 10 and keeping opposing teams off the scoreboard. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.
Unfortunately for them they play in Pittsburg, which isn't a bad city but people just kind of forget about it. When Mike Tomlin finally leaves Pittsburg it'll be like a tree falling in the woods. Will anyone hear it?
The series is currently tied at 1-1.
BOTTOM OF THE TABLE
The Miami Marlins (6) vs. The Baltimore Orioles (3) (7/23)
Moving my one good eye down to Miami I was surprised to see the lowly Marlins take a game from the second on The Table Orioles. A closer look shows this one was even worse for the O's.
They suffered injuries to players on back to back plays losing second baseman Jorge Mateo to a hand injury and pitcher Albert Suarez to a leg injury on a comeback ball.
That sucks and I'll always have a soft spot for the O's from my time there. Hopefully anyone who watched this game back in Baltimore stopped in at Pickles for some cheap beer, butter wings, and shoes stuck to the floor rooting you in place so you're forced to drink more.
The Marlins lead the series 1-0.
The Toronto Blue Jays (5) vs. The Detroit Tigers (4) (7/21)
Hey wait a second, Canada has a Baseball Team? I thought every major league sport pulled out after Drake was eviscerated by Kendrick Lamar with Not Like Us.
Pretty sure it's illegal to still be playing up there.
Right fielder George Springer (I read it as Jerry at first and got excited) is having his worst season since he came into the league in 2014 but at least he was the hero this day. He went 3-4 with 2 HR's and 3 RBI's. Who cares about batting averages anyway? Just create some new obscure ass stat that works for you. I believe in Jerry. George.
The Jays lost the series 1-2.
The Texas Rangers (4) vs. The White Sox (3) (7/22)
Let's do our weekly welfare check on The White Sox. Oh look, they lost again in extra innings against The Rangers.
Let's go live to Gerald Loose, the head of the official White Sox fan club, My Sox Are Also Hanes And Everything Is So Goddamn Tight (MSAAHAEISGT):
The White Sox are down 0-2 to the Rangers.
I'm wrapping this up around midnight so a few teams records will have changed +1 or (-1).
Fights, good plays, weird shit. Drama.
Yes you've probably heard it. But it bears repeating given how awful it was.
A truly comical rendition that will live in infamy for years! Well done Ingrid.
She's since posted on social media claiming she was drunk for it and apologizing to the world. Ingrid also added she will be going to rehab which reeks of a behind the scenes publicist not realizing this is an opportunity. Just say "Fuck I'm sorry guys, I was drunk. I had too good a time and will hopefully not fuck it up if I get another shot".
I can respect owning a mistake and blaming it on the booze. But don't blame it on the booze. Come on now!
What a heads up play - to bad like most of baseball The Olds have to go and ruin it.
I love this. It's like soccer hooliganism 'Lite'. We should take notes on getting much more into songs at baseball games in the states. I don't know what the lyrics mean but I know a pumped up family friendly crowd for some light food and beer when I see one.
Other sports are currently in the mix. Rip the lid off and compare the meat.
Do you smell that? That's right it's Football baby and it's almost back. Matt and I will be delivering up some preseason AFC/NFC over under picks starting this week in advance of season two of our live money Oddball competition but some things can't wait.
Well I guess in this case they can. As reported by Todd Archer of ESPN the Cowboys season opening news conference is delayed due to a paternity countersuit filed by good ol' Jerry Jones.
Unlike other celebrities' who may pay to rid the interwebs continually of embarrassing pictures, Jerry doesn't give a shit. A quick google shows us that Jerry is at the very least down to throw back some cocktails and hang with attractive young ladies.
Time will tell what the truth was here. Or maybe it will be buried forever as most of these things often are. But it would be kind of funny for a franchise hierarchy to be at risk due to shenanigans. It's the closest we'll get to having the chaos surrounding a 'bastards' claim for the throne.
God I love Football.
Stay a while and listen.
I realize the last time I wrote in this section it was about a movie (looks like dog shit). It's certainly not always going to be the case for this section of the article. It's simply about what strikes me.
It just so happens what struck me this time was The Last Castle.
I watched this movie the other day when my wife was out of town. That's right, I realize it was a shameful thing to watch and waited until she was halfway across the country.
I was in a perfect mind state for this movie at this time. Buzzed off excess booze left over from a birthday party. About to get sick and not realizing that's the real reason I was lightheaded. It was all coming together.
This movie was objectively terrible. I loved it.
Robert Redford totally phoned this one in and it showed. The story follows Robert Redford as a disgraced general sent to a comically awful military prison. He of course rallies the men for, something.
Plenty of famous faces amongst the prisoners, such as Mark Roughalo. The director of this 'film' must have told every actor to "ACT AS YOU'VE NEVER ACTED BEFORE MY DARLINGS!" Everyone was over the top besides Redford who did his best Weekend at Bernie's impression.
At one point this may or may not make an appearance:
No spoilers.
Mark Kotsay has the honor of managing the Oakland Athletics. A franchise that was, until recently, remembered fondly for the Billy Beane Moneyball days. A low cost group of cast offs competing with the best in baseball. Who wouldn't root for that?
Well unfortunately for Mark, the leagues fans, and of course most of all the poor bastards in the Oakland area, the team is owned by a scum bag. This seems to be a recurring theme when you take a look at any team that isn't fighting for playoff contention year after year in any sport.
For those out of the loop the A's are owned by John Fisher, a guy who could give two shits about fans. He's owned the team since 2005 and kept their team salary in the fucking cellar and it really sours the taste of the aforementioned Moneyball teams when you think about it.
Now John is in the middle of moving the team temporarily to Sacramento after months and months of futile fan protests. They won't sit there forever. It'll be just a few years until some monstrosity and affront to the Gods is built out in the sands of Las Vegas and the team joins the Raiders in abandoning Oakland.
Look, I love Las Vegas. It is one of my favorite cities ever and I'm going back in October.
No baseball team should play there. Football? Yes. Hockey? Yes.
What do those sports fans have in common? They are generally psychos in person and will consume all the liquor on the strip. You are entering a social contract going to live games. It is understood.
Baseball is supposed to have some tradition and family wholesomeness to it. You want to bring your kids to Vegas? What the fuck are they gonna do? I mean the Rhino has gone downhill so that's out the window!
Really this serves as an example to all fan bases, of all sports. You do not mean shit to these people. I am including myself here so don't get butt hurt. Owners don't give a fuck about us. All you can do is pray your beloved teams don't move. If they try to, do the only thing you can.
When they come with their hand out for government tax dollars to fund their new stadiums tell them one thing.
Fuck off.
We're closing in on August baseball. The sweatiest, worst, draining month in all of the schedule. Fall seems a far way off but if you've made it this far perhaps you're willing to go a little further. We've also got some great matchups at the top of The Table next week to look forward to.
And of course we'll check in on Gerald Loose.
Our journalistic integrity requires it.
Thanks for reading this week and if you have any comments, questions, or recommendations in regards to this series, feel free to email me at kirk@illandodd.com and I'll be sure to get back to you and may include them as part of a mailbag section.
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