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Resident pop culture expert Uncle Jack gives us his unfiltered reaction to The Tortured Poets Department.
Editor's Note: I asked my Uncle Jack to listen to Taylor Swift's new record and give us his take. He ranked each song into tiers and explained his choices below.
Tier 1: "I Tapped My Toes a Little Bit"
Florida!!!
Who do you think this song is about?
Jed Bush.
When would you listen to this song again?
When I get my penchant, kick you're cousin Colin out, and move to The Villages to get some dang peace and quiet for once.
What are three things you liked about it?
My mother's name was Florence.
Two hysterical women yodeling about the panhandle.
The pounding drums remind me of slamming our border crossings shut.
The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
Who do you think this song is about?
Jared Goof.
When would you listen to this song again?
Whenever I see Tony from the plant's niece. Maybe it will cheer her up and get her to go back to cosmetology school. That bastard cyber bullied her so much she won't leave the house. Tony's pulling his hair out. He's going to need a good stylist for chrissakes.
What are three things you liked about it?
It's about time someone called out how tiny Goof's hands are.
It was great to hear an actual piano without all of those beeps and boops from the other songs.
Taylor defends the second amendment when she sings about sleeping with a gun in her bed. Maybe their's hope for her politically after all!
So Long, London
Who do you think this song is about?
Meghan Mackerel.
When would you listen to this song again?
The next time Susie tries to make fish and chips.
What are three things you liked about it?
The beginning sounded like my niece's daughter's high school chamber choir.
I wish we could all say goodbye to Europe more often.
The volume stayed soft and didn't distract Susie from her Suduku puzzles.
The Alchemy
Who do you think this song is about?
Trevor Kelce.
When would you listen to this song again?
The next time I feel like making myself a nice dry Manhattan. The bozos down at the Macaroni Grill always put too much sweet vermouth.
What are three things you liked about it?
Football metaphors are one of the few literary devices that I can understand.
Is she saying that the British men she dated are inferior to the Americans? Amen.
The snare sounds like an old timey hammer installing railroad ties, back before the unions slowed everything down.
"I've Heard Worse"
Fortnight
Who do you think this song is about?
Abraham Lincoln.
What lyrics did you like the most?
"I was supposed to be sent away / But they forgot to come and get me"
I forgot to pick up Colin from his hot yoga class one afternoon. I sat on the patio, smoked a cigar, and read Patriot Games cover to cover. When I finally remembered about Colin, he was shriveled up like a sweaty raisin. Best day ever.
Where do you think this song was written?
A 1980's-themed junior prom.
The Tortured Poets Department
Who do you think this song is about?
John Meyers.
What lyrics did you like the most?
"This ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we're modern idiots" Couldn't have said it better myself, Taylor.
Where do you think this song was written?
If not the Chelsea Hotel, then probably the Days Inn out by JFK.
Down Bad
Who do you think this song is about?
Tesla shareholders.
What lyrics did you like the most?
"Did you really beam me up / In a cloud of sparkling dust / Just to do experiments on?"
Two or three summers ago, me and Tony from the plant figured we needed a break from the wives. They were on a real tear about us leaving dirty socks on the sofa or some horse manure like that. So anyway, we decided to hit the wild yonder with a couple of cold ones and our camping gear. Just two buddies and the starry sky. Well, wouldn't you know it, as we're their swapping stories about the good ol' Reagan years and maybe a few too many beers deep, these lights appear outta nowhere. Brighter than a Fourth of July fireworks finale. Next thing we know, we’re being hoisted up into some sort of spacecraft! You’d think we'd be scared, but Tony just yells out, "Hey, at least it ain't the wives!" I blacked out after that. Woke up back in the tent with a sharp pain in my rear end. You can bet I never told Susie; she'd never let me live down being abducted without cleaning up those socks first. My backside hurt enough already!
Where do you think this song was written?
Planet Fitness.
I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
Who do you think this song is about?
Karmela Harris.
What lyrics did you like the most?
"I'm so depressed, I act like it's my birthday every day" One time I got my ingrate son a United States Treasury Bond for his birthday. He called me a capitalist pig and burned the certificate in the backyard. He refused to fund "a nationalist war machine" so I refused to fund "his dinner for a week".
Where do you think this song was written?
In one of those newfangled computer programs.
"Huh? I Nodded Off for a Second"
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
Who do you think this song is about?
Jake Glockenspiel.
What lyrics confused you the most?
"I'm queen of sandcastles he destroys" I'm not a big fan of architecture and I hate sand. My brother buried me up to my head when we were kids, then dumped a crushed up bag of potato chips in my hair. The seagulls pecked me so bad I needed stitches. Now I can't even so much as rest my head on a feathered pillow without hyperventilating. If anyone talks about that freak Michael Keaton in front of me ever again, I'll destroy more than sandcastles, I'll tell ya that much.
What did you dream about while sleeping through this song?
Dreams? More like nightmares. Did you ever see Hitchcock's The Birds? It was like that except louder and more annoying.
Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?
Who do you think this song is about?
Dante West.
What lyrics confused you the most?
"You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me"
Susie has a little sister who is a little funny in the head. A couple sandwiches short of a picnic, you might say. As a tyke, she gobbled up glue like it was mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. She scared the bejesus out of her pre-school class by speaking in tongues like a Pentecostal preacher. Eventually, her folks had her "spending some time upstate" which was just a fancy way of saying the loony bin. But you know what? She came out of their all spruced up and just fine, like my pickup after a tune-up. Goes to show, a little time in the shop can straighten out even the wonkiest engine. These days, she's as normal as they come, except for her deathly fear of doorknobs and the fact that she does the chicken dance every time it lightnings.
What did you dream about while sleeping through this song?
A bald eagle flying over Mount Rushmore. I woke up with a bit of a bulge in my sweats if you catch my drift.
I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)
Who do you think this song is about?
The 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air that Taylor keeps up on blocks in her driveway.
What lyrics confused you the most?
"The jokes he told across the bar / Were revolting and far too loud"
See? The woke left is ruining comedy. Your not even allowed to tell jokes anymore in this country full of snowflakes. Tony from the plant even got written up by HR for watching an All in the Family re-run on his Microsoft Surface. It's a disgrace!
What did you dream about while sleeping through this song?
I was back in middle school, late for class, and I couldn't remember the combination to my locker. I ducked into the faculty lounge to ask the shop teacher, Mr. Stevens, for help, but he was busy urinating in the communal coffee pot. He caught me staring and was about to cut off my fingers with the bandsaw when I woke up.
Clara Bow
Who do you think this song is about?
Probably Clara Bow, wise guy. Not everything has to be a gosh darn metaphor.
What lyrics confused you the most?
"You look like Taylor Swift / In this light, we're lovin' it / You've got edge, she never did" Is this broad smoking peyote or something? Is she singing about herself? Is this like Colin's dopey pals who show up at concerts decked out in t-shirts of the band there going to see?
What did you dream about while sleeping through this song?
Bowling a 300 in the Tuesday night league with the fellas.
"My Ears Are Bleeding"
But Daddy I Love Him
Who do you think this song is about?
Hester Prynne.
When would you listen to this song again?
If this was the only song I had on my MP3 player and the other choice was listening to Matt talk about the Rangers and Knicks for 10,000 words, I guess I would probably choose the song.
What are three things you didn't like about it?
The blatant disrespect for her father.
Pregnancy should not be joked about, even though I just said comedy should not be suppressed. What I actually mean is that it shouldn't be suppressed by people I disagree with about reproductive issues.
The title is seemingly a reference to The Little Mermaid which I have disavowed for obvious reasons.
Guilty as Sin?
Who do you think this song is about?
Hunter Biden.
When would you listen to this song again?
The only time I'm allowed to even think about this type of subject matter is on me and Susie's anniversary. Maybe if it would motivate her to take those darn curlers out of her hair for three minutes, I'd consider it.
What are three things you didn't like about it?
If Susie caught me listening to a woman talk about her upper thigh, I'd be sleeping on the couch for a month. My back can't handle that at this age.
The snare drum sounds like someone hitting a piece of computer paper with a chopstick. I'm more of a fork guy.
After being propelled by a strong and catchy chorus, the song loses momentum as it heads into a sparse and poorly-structured bridge at the 2:37 mark, with strange and breathy harmonies that sound like the noises Susie makes when she has to bend over to unload the dishwasher.
loml
Who do you think this song is about?
I'm not sure.
When would you listen to this song again?
I probably wouldn't.
What are three things you didn't like about it?
The verses
The chorus
The bridge
Fresh Out The Slammer
Who do you think this song is about?
Robert Dunst from The Jinx.
When would you listen to this song again?
When I inevitably have to bail Colin out of jail for smoking the peace pipe or protesting some bogus human rights violation or another, making him listen to this on repeat while we drive home will be his punishment.
What are three things you didn't like about it?
Her staccato rhymes remind me too much of that hip-hop nonsense my teenage neighbor plays too loud in his Volkswagon Jetta.
The twangy guitar made me hopeful and reminiscent of Johnny Cash, but everything else sounded more like Johnny Credit.
I don't like to think about jail when the January 6th heroes are still behind bars.