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Be kind - this was like bringing a child into the world.
Starship Troopers is one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time.
The Fifth Element
Eurotrip
Starship Troopers
The Count of Monte Cristo
Master & Commander
A good helping of corniness is the secret ingredient to many of my movie preferences.
I rank Starship Troopers so highly for a variety of reasons. It was one of the first movies that I saw growing up that had nudity, gratuitous violence with entertaining practical effects, and although I didn’t quite realize it fully at the time, was one of the first satires I ever watched. The film was directed by Paul Verhoeven back in 1997 and was panned critically by people who missed the point (sort of like if you were 14 years old, which was when I first saw it). I think that confusion is a credit to the fact at the time it wasn’t seen as an overt satire of fascist propaganda. The characters' naivety and subsequent dialogue with each other, and the audience really, has always amused me.
Now I’m not going to write a full review of the film, I love it completely, and what I love most about it is the characters. They are the true strength of the film and are why it’s always on my rewatch list.
What I am going to talk about is the sequel idea myself and a friend had back in the post college Manayunk days. I bring up Manayunk (for non-Philly people, the college bar section of the city) so that people are aware of the headspace I was in.
Now I don’t delude myself into thinking I’m a top class writer - I tried to write a book one time and failed horrendously (dialogue is hard yo). What I do have are plenty of golden ideas. Some of which I think are beyond reproach and put me in a rare pantheon.
Again, this isn’t a review or breakdown of the original so if you read on and haven’t seen it, you may have no god damn clue what I’m talking about.
Oh of note - this movie would retcon the cheap budget ‘sequels’ that followed the first movie. They simply do not exist in this setting, they never happened SO DROP IT.
Here's the pitch:
Characters of Importance (Original + New)
Casper Van Dien - Johnny Rico (OG) - Lieutenant (Now Major)
Denise Richards - Carmen Ibanez (OG) Lieutenant (Now Lieutenant Colonel)
Neil Patrick Harris - Carl Jenkins (OG) - Colonel (Now Sky Marshal)
Jake Busey - Ace Levy (OG) - Private (Still a Private)
Zach Efron - Dallas Vega (New - Private)
Lil Bow Wow - Robert ‘Bob’ Carrol (New - Private)
(please keep in mind this idea came into the world back in 2010)
Part 1 - Opening
We open on a typical video from the United Citizen Federation of Earth. The video praises our heroes (Rico featured prominently) as they fight across the galaxy against the Bug Menace. What the video glosses over is the fact the war has become one of attrition, with limited resources readily available to humanity within the solar system, and seemingly the Bugs, conflict is sparse but still vicious. The Bugs have learned new tactics (no longer grouping in mass etc.) and are able to inflict higher ratio losses on the Federation. It would appear that there is stalemate….The Federation must win! We need your help to push forward and secure our future!
After the video fades away we pan to space where a small stealth cruiser (new tech, mostly silent and hard to discern for a Bugs eye when entering the atmosphere) moves quickly to a remote moon on the edges of the solar system.
On board we have good ol Johnny Rico and the ever faithful Ace Levy accompanied by a platoon of the “Roughnecks” (now essentially the Special Forces of the Federation) going to perform a recon of a scientific base set deep within a forested mountain range on an isolated moon. The base is a top secret weapons research and development site run by the Fleet. The reasoning for it being out in the middle of nowhere is in case pathogens were to be released etc. they would be catastrophic yada yada yada.
Side note before I go further into this rabbit hole - look you’re going to need to invest in this process and not pick it apart. I know what I’m doing.
Anyway moving on - Rico and crew are on the way to the site specifically to pick up a data drive of information that will purportedly help firm up a Federation strategy to eliminate the Bug threat, once and for all. To note here - Carmen Ibanez is now a part of fleet R&D and runs this specific site. She is the one who put in a call for pick up, an urgent request, and of course with their history and Rico’s position it was he who answered.
As Rico and Ace make their landing the base appears mostly shut down, auxiliary power only which is a warning sign. No immediate signs of attack on the site are apparent as they make their way inside but without any contact from base personnel the rough necks are armed and all on high alert.
I’m not going to really attempt any dialogue here, news flash, I suck at it. But I will add some color where I can.
Ace, one of the best characters ever created, will be cracking jokes and attempting to calm his own nerves as they walk through the deserted base.
Just look at that smile!
As the roughnecks get towards the center of the base, looking for Carmen’s administrative office, they begin to see evidence of blood from a fight. Spent bullet casings litter the ground, bodies of bugs and humans litter the floor. These bugs aren’t your rank and file. They are similar to the flyers first seen in the original Starship troopers. The contrast with those are that these new bugs are smaller, barely the size of a human, with odd leathery wings and a short wide head with razor sharp mandibles. It would appear that they could have swooped swiftly into an access door left carelessly open. Maybe some poor grunt went out for a smoke and boom, there goes his head, maybe his junk too, I don’t make the rules. Additionally the smaller bodies would make their close combat abilities in narrow corridors much more effective than the traditional bug which is a big easy target you can grind up at choke points.
Flying bug from Starship Troopers for reference:
Continuing on Rico finds Carmen's office amidst the carnage they’ve come across. They unfortunately find her dead in her office where it appears she made an epic last stand. Surrounded by a multitude of these new dead bugs Rico mourns her loss as he holds her tightly. While they haven’t been an item for a long time, she was one of the last vestiges of his past, his childhood, his naivety you might say.
As he regains his composure he notices on her computer a message is flashing and paused awaiting a command to play. He plays the video message, it’s from Carmen and her last moments before her death. She states that there isn’t a lot of time, the weakness of the bugs isn’t a virus or any pathogen they were able to make advantage of. The weakness is one they share with us and one that took too long to figure out. She doesn’t get much further into the details but tells Rico where in the office the data drive is hidden, and that she needs to get it to Carl (NPH who is now joint commander of the Fleet and Mobile Infantry, i.e. Sky Marshal).
Rico secures the drive and is preparing to move out with the Roughnecks when Ace reports they have a problem. They hear what sounds like an approaching wave of these new bugs bearing down on them through the hallways of the base. It would appear they knew something of importance was being hidden that Rico had now seemingly validated by his presence. They are seemingly growing smarter by the day…
This cuts to the Roughnecks standing shoulder to shoulder firing into a churning mass of bugs seemingly without end that attempt to charge right through their defensive lines.
Hard cut to Rico’s face as he screams in rage at the death of Carmen and with all his hate for these fucking bugs. As we have a close up on his face as he screams, he is illuminated by the constant firing of his machine gun, and his face starts to become flecked with the blood of bugs which alludes to their close proximity and the massive amount of shit they are in.
Another hard cut - straight to the title credits - Starship Troopers: End Game.
Okay I read all the back and yea I’m no screenwriter but hopefully it conveys some of the vibe we were aiming for. I’ll try to keep it brief and get to the point as fast as possible, I know you have somewhere to be. So now that the stage is set I’ll be speeding it up.
Part 2 - New Eden
After the title credits - cut to ten years later flashing up on the screen. We’re introduced to the new additions to the cast and the focus for a large part of the movie. Zac Efron (Dallas) and Lil Bow Wow (Bob, and remember this was 2010 don’t be an asshole and disrespect Lil Bow Wow’s name you scumbag, he was in an arc of Entourage for god's sake).
Anyway Dallas and Bob are a couple of privates running through the woods of New Eden - the largest and most fertile planet in the galaxy. Humanity over the course of the last decade has invested significant resources, militarily and through colonists over multiple settlements across this giant world (2x the size of Earth or some shit).
Not only have the Federation jumped at the opportunity to dump a proverbial shit ton into the planet, of course the bugs have as well. Fighting is constant inside and out of the settlements.
This is where you need to use your imagination OKAY? Imagine there are a crap ton of new bugs constantly bombarding the planet, burrowing around, using ambush tactics and only en masse rarely (harder to kill en masse). Moral of the story, even with human tech, it’s an even fight that is constant and brutal.
Dallas (Efron) is an idealist, and only too happy to wreck some shit with his squad, and make a name for himself. The whole point is that he is a young Rico, who maybe, just maybe, was way too god damn happy to take the role of Sergeant in his own career when the incumbent was speared through the chest and stomach, only to be shot through the chest by the OG Roughneck (RASCZAK’S ROUGHNECKS, HOO).
TO CLARIFY THIS IS 2 SECONDS AFTER THE GUY WAS JUST MUTILATED AND KILLED. LOOK AT THAT SMILE.
Anyway, Bob (Lil Bow wowowwowowowow) is similar to Ace but a smart dude, good friends with Dallas but not blind in his appreciation for the Federation like his friend. Great character building I know - this is really just to get the plot down okay?
Dallas, Bob, and their unit get into a fierce firefight quickly after their introduction to the audience and things look bleak. They make some sound tactical maneuvers to dole out some heavy losses on a bug attack group but after losing almost all their men (hell this is all arbitrary anyway!) when they think they’re lost, well GUESS WHO SHOWS UP. Rico and the roughnecks happened to be in the area and show up. They absolutely demolish the crap out of the bugs (bet of the best, equipped with the best of the best). It turns out Rico is still alive after that scare to start the movie, but he did not escape without scars. He has a robotic right arm, and a sick ass looking robotic eye that enhances his vision (from the scars looks like the original got slashed out) and it also just plain looks sweet.
Rico is a changed man and seems more dour and less idealistic than the man we previously knew. But he is there to do the job (Ace is still Ace which we are eternally thankful for).
With the connection of new characters Rico absorbs some of them directly into the Rough necks. Most of their men were dead anyway, officers included, and he liked the tactical moves he witnessed by our new protagonists before they came to their assistance.
Hold on, my editor just stopped in with a brief note on this article.
OKAY I realize this has gone on too long and if you are still reading this your resentment is growing by the minute.
Speed Round to the Finish
Rico enlists the newbies to assist with his covert plan. Seemingly planting large scale explosive devices of unknown origin throughout certain areas of New Eden. He states it’s because they have intel from command of areas of bug focus and they’ll use these as a last resort if bugs overwhelm the area.
This is bullshit that Dallas and Bob seem to sense. The real purpose is to arm ‘planet killer’ or PK, nuclear weapons in key areas to annihilate anything living. Bugs and humans alike.
As they get wise to the potential ultimate plan there is another fight after planting a new ‘PK’ Bob gets killed for emotional growth and turmoil to build briefly in Dallas. RIP Lil Bow Wow, we barely knew ye.
This leads to Dallas confronting Rico about the plan and threatening to expose it wide to the Federation. People are being used as sacrificial lambs. Instead of just merc’n him, Rico sees a future successor in Dallas and brings him in for a big one.
The big one being, a meeting with the Sky Marshal (NPH). Seemingly his face is even more gaunt than the last we saw of him.
“You don't approve? Well too bad”
We learn now what took Carmen Ibanez and Federation Intelligence years to conclude and for NPH to act on. The answer may seem boring, the galaxy has finite resources, and the war is stretching them thin.
New Eden was a psy op from the beginning by Carl (remember he has crazy mind powers and is smart as fuck).
Over years Carl and the Federation has released propaganda to human colonists about New Eden, the future of humanity etc.
Some of those humans were sacrificed to the hive minds, ya know the brain bugs. With those minds sucked up in disgusting fashion, the bugs were led to believe this was the final frontier for humanity. All the eggs in the basket so to speak. And they leaped at the opportunity.
EW GROSS!
The plan ends up essentially working. The bugs are sending absolutely everything they have, shit tons of spores, focusing all their species on this new seemingly lush planet with everything they would need to right size their reproduction and continue to spread in the galaxy.
Since the death of Carmen, Rico bought into Carl’s plan. With Bob dead, Dallas buys in as well, fuck the bugs.
Cue a final planting of a device that goes sideways - surprise, Rico dies in heroic fashion in a firefight.
The Roughneck mantle is passed to Dallas, they complete the mission, the planet killers are detonated and the bugs essentially made extinct across the galaxy outside of small shrinking clusters. Oh yea and some poor colonists are murdered and dead for it. Insert propaganda about a meteor killing everyone, and the Federation lives on.
If you think I forgot about Ace, never fear, he makes it through unscathed and is now the ol sidekick to Dallas.
The war is essentially over yes, but as long as there are some bugs out there, the Federation keeps its control. Old Neil Patrick Harris explains this fact to Dallas. The world needs unity, but more importantly it needs a hero, someone to sell it, sell the fight that must go on. And who better than Zac Efron’s face.
Think the end of LA Confidential, "You’re going to need a hero".
Okay folks, verbal diarrhea is now fully out of my system. I’ve been writing this piece for so long I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as ‘good’. But I needed to get this out of me, and I’m happy to have memorialized my dumb ideas here.
Are there a lot of gaps in plot and logic for my movie? Yes.
Do I think you could Hollywood magic those gaps by people more smarterer than me? Also yes.
I truly do love the original movie, it has a special place in my movie pyramid and I’ll always get enjoyment out of a rewatch. This exercise was a love letter, a poorly written one that ends in public rejection, but a love letter nonetheless.
If you read this far congratulations and thank you for taking the ride. And remember:
Mobile Infantry rules.
