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Matt lost the regular season contest and now needs to take a pointless boring drive to Ithaca. But there's still some football to be played, so here are some picks just for funzies.
...and then there were eight. The divisional round is here, and even though Matt lost the regular season contest in epic fashion, we're still going to pick the playoff games against the spread for pride, bragging rights, and something to keep the group text alive during the depths of January's seasonal depression.
We'll also give you some weird Bonus Bets that we're teaming up on and track how we do with those. Enjoy the games!
Matt's Recap
3-3 this postseason
Lost: Chargers -2.5
I'd say "same old Chargers", but that would imply that they blew a lead in epic fashion. That's not really what happened here as Justin Herbert just flat out stunk and Houston's maligned secondary came to life and picked him off 4 times. It was really cool how I explained one of my biggest reasons for picking the Chargers was their historic lack of turnovers. Am I having a great season or what?!
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
T...J... SHRRRROOOUUUD!!! 🎉💵🏈 I just screamed so loud the neighbor’s dog ran off. Hope the mangy mutt doesn't come begging for scraps at my door. Eggs are still 8 bucks a gallon thanks to Karmela. No handouts at Jackie's house. 🇺🇸 Anyways, TJ's got more poise than a preacher at a poker game. I’ll tell you, this is the best I’ve felt since the oil boom of ’84!
Lost: Steelers +9.5
When I made this pick I said I would probably regret it about 17 minutes after kickoff. I pretty much nailed it as the Ravens marched 99 yards for a touchdown on their first drive and never looked back. The Steelers went from looking like one of the best teams in the league in November to probably being the worst playoff team in the field by January. As a loyal subscriber to the "bet Mike Tomlin as a dog under any and all circumstances", I'm offended by this performance.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
Russell Wislon is excited for his off-season vacation to Myrtle Beach. He loves wearing eyeblack to the beach and doing shirtless high knees in front of all the kids on there boogie boards. Total weirdo. 😬 Guess Lamar has been taking his Zicam tablets. That stuff tastes like licking a slimy penny. 🤮
Won: Bills -8.5
As I do every Wild Card Weekend, I re-watched this clip of Tim Tebow beating the Steelers as a huge underdog back in 2011. It was the most profitable sports betting weekend of my life and probably the most fun (hanging with the fellas at Harrahs Las Vegas... luxury). So anyway, I was kind of getting a bit nervous that the Broncos might pull of another Wild Card upset. And then they immediately scored to go up 7-0 and I started sweating for a few minutes. But only a few. Because from then on, the Bills absolutely dominated. These teams are in totally different stratospheres and I'm glad I picked the right one.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
Are u coming over to watch the Eggles game later??? Susie is letting me order a pizza. Gonna put extra ranch on it to celebrate a HUGE Kyle Allen W. Bring some beer, wouldya? And none of that imported junk from the Whole Paycheck. 🍻
Won: Eagles -4.5
This was a classic Eagles win. They never trailed, won, and covered... and yet their fans still thought it was a terrible game and that their own team is trash. I love Philly sports fans. They make no sense. I don't think it would have mattered because Jordan Love is such a nothingburger, but that kickoff fumble to start the game was the wrong call. Anyway, happy to be on the right side of a controversial decision for once.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
Would you're dopey Philly friends trade Jared Hertz for Bo Nixon right now?? 🤣
Lost: Buccaneers -3.0
Baker giveth and Baker taketh away. Tampa should have won this game by double digits. They had just turned Washington over on downs with a dramatic goal line stand and got the ball back with a 4-point lead. Then Baker fumbled and the whole game flipped. Kudos to Jayden Daniels though. He was lights out running the two-minute drill to set up the game-winning doink for the Commanders. Man, both of these teams are fun. It's a shame one of them had to go. It also sucks that I feel like I was on the right side and lost because of a dumb turnover. But them's the breaks sometimes.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
Crap I fell asleep — how did the washington woke-os get the ball back? blake must have been funneling beers off the hotel balcony again last night.
Won: Rams +1.5
Let's goooo! My futures on Rams to win the NFC (+2800) and Rams to win the Super Bowl (+6600) are alive and well. You know what isn't alive and well? Sam Darnold's career. Yikes. That was hard to watch. I actually did feel bad for him by the end of it. The dude was just lost. Best part of this game? Troy Aikman being absolutely pissed about how bad the Vikings offense was. At the end when he was like, "Umm, do they know they are down by 18 points?" Classic!
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
sam darnold is like one of those famous 7-eleven egg salad sandwiches in japan. it sounds like such an awful idea, but everyone swears it’s secretly amazing. you take a chance, and at first, it’s shockingly good. but then, right when your starting to believe the hype, it betrays you in the worst possible way, and your left violently purging you're bowels in a cramped bullet train bathroom, questioning why you ever trusted gas station food in the first place. 🎃💩
Uncle Jack's Recap
Tallying up Uncle Jack's profits from his picks in the Quarterback Power Rankings article he put together.
Texans adjusted line -14.5 | WON $87.00
T.J. Shroud over 1.5 touchdowns | LOST $15.40
Texans highest scoring team of Wild Card Round | WON $220.00
Ravens to beat Steelers in overtime | LOST $10.00 Bo Nix to throw an interception | LOST $10.00
Josh Allen over 31.5 pass attempts | LOST $10.00 Under 45.5 points in the Packers vs. Eagles game | WON $9.09 Jayden Daniels over 48.5 rushing yards | LOST $10.00
Jayden Daniels to score 2+ rushing touchdowns | LOST $10.00 Rams moneyline | WON $12.60 Bet $100.00 / Won $263.29
That's how it's done, boys.
Kirk's Recap
4-2 this postseason
A decent start to the playoffs on paper, while in my real life, I've been dealing with "The Flu A". I didn't even realize there were letter variations of the Flu but again, as we've covered, I'm a moron.
This has been my last 5 days:
Even as I type this my one now suddenly lazy eye for some reason is drifting to the Nyquil bottle sitting next to me as my only relief.
LOST: Chargers -2.5
Goodbye Jim Harbutt, I'm glad you lost. Your over-the-top football guy stuff is unbearable. I do not know how you go through life with that much bullshit.
WON: Ravens -9.5
Goodbye Mike Tomlin! I'm glad you and your family have a secure job and income to bank on. It's nice to know those you care for are taken care of. Even if it does mean fucking over an entire city, year after year, decade after decade, like some sick hell they can never wake up from. I'd say enough mediocrity poured down the throat eventually turns sour when it's the only thing pumping into your veins like the dead people mush the folks in pods eat in the Matrix. At least those people are still dreaming, and you know, not locked in a hell that you alone are the master of.
WON: Bills -8.5
WON: Eagles -4.5
Nothing to see here! Offense was firing on all cylinders! Passing game? Yes, we have a subscription!
LOST: Buccaneers -3.0
I feel bad for Baker. Playing a home game after a season where he's scraped to keep them in the hunt only for a crucial fumble that was his fault be the difference maker must be brutal. Keep your head up Shake and Bake, at least Tampa loves you unlike those Karmic Black Hole Morons up there in Cleveland. Any updates on the Browns QB situation this past week by chance?
WON: Rams +1.5
(also, if Sam Darnold ends up going to the NYG like I've called I will be so, so, so happy)
Bonus Recap
$400.00 bet last week +$40.00 won last week +$40.00 for the playoffs
6-Point Teaser (-120)
Bills -2.5 Rams +7.5
It seems like teasers either flame out spectacularly or they win by so much you didn't need the points in the first place. This one falls into the second category, which is preferable but still somehow unsatisfying. Either way, we'll take the $40 and shut the fuck up about it.
✅ Won $200.00
Moneyline Parlay (+211)
Bucs Rams
These bonus bets reminded me of the driving crooner. "I've got to find a way to make money off of this. It's simply too good!" We both LOVED the Rams all week and yet we tied them to so many other things that even though they kicked ass, we still only made $40. Bad job by us. We need to be less creative and more aggressive on the teams we like in the future.
❌ Lost $160.00 to win $337.92
Matt's Picks
3-3 this postseason
Chiefs -8.5
C.J. Stroud was the 28th-best quarterback in fantasy football this season. Somebody explain to me how he is going to keep up with the Chiefs? This is a perfect situation to fade Houston coming off a deceiving blowout win over the Chargers. As mentioned above, the Chargers threw 4 picks (including a pick six). They beat themselves. I still maintain Houston is outclassed in this field of playoff teams and I think it will show in this game against a rested and ready Kansas City squad.
Commanders +8.5
Listen, I've already lost this contest and basically every other gambling-related activity I participated in by a large margin this season. So yeah, I'm gonna bet against the best against the spread team in decades! Because, guess what, Jayden Daniels is fun. Neither of these teams can play defense. It's gonna be a track meet, in a dome, with points being scored left and right. Give me Jayden with a chance to win it or with a chance at the backdoor cover.
Rams +6.5
Tall order for the Rams. They won an emotional game in Arizona on Monday night. Travelled back to Los Angeles and practiced in god-awful air quality all week. Now they have to fly across the country to Philly and play in frigid temperatures. Do I like it? No. I LOVE IT! Give me the Rams to pull off the upset and continue the inspirational Super Bowl run that is coming. Birds fans are ready to drive Jalen Hurts to airport, and after this one they just might actually do it!
Bills +1.5
I honestly have no idea what to do with this game. Both of these teams are awesome and this probably deserves to be the AFC Championship given how allergic Kansas City was to having fun or dominant wins. And yet, I have to pick somebody. So give me the home underdog. I'd imagine Josh Allen is going to be pissed off that he's a home dog in the playoffs after the season he had, and he must be hearing the mutterings of people talking themselves into Lamar over him for MVP. He'll be fired up and maybe have that little extra motivation. Plus, Playoff Lamar or Immunocompromised Lamar could show up at any time.
Kirk's Picks
4-2 this postseason
Chiefs -8.5
I can never take a Texans team seriously in the playoffs. It's not in my blood. I've gone to Vegas too many times during wildcard weekends of old to bet against Matt Schaub that it's now a ritual to auto bet against them.
Also, they are going into Arrowhead, against a Chiefs team, off a bye. With Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid's full bag. K.
Lions -8.5
So, I can't edit gifs because I'm a lazy idiot too dumb to learn but the guy in front is The Commanders.
Dan Campbell is Rambo.
Final score, Lions 42 - Commanders 17.
Eagles -6.5
Welcome to Philadelphia Rams!
Days without fan incidents: 5
Also welcome to winter weather football, the best O line in the league, and a team prepared to run the ball down your throat unlike those frauds you played last week. We may not be able to throw for shit, and this week, we won't have to.
Bills +1.5
Let's see if Lamar can prove me and everyone else in America wrong with a big win, on the road, against an excellent opponent, in bad weather. This year he of course has Titan of a man Derrick Henry to assist him but I don't know, Bills at home getting even 1 point? We shall see.....we.....shall.....see...
Bonus Bets
Whatever the fuck we want to bet this week! +$40.00 won last week +$40.00 for the playoffs
The Way Too Obvious Teaser (-120)
Chiefs -2.5 Bills +7.5
Another perfect Wong Teaser that the sports books are leaving out there to tempt us. Well guess what? It worked.
💰 $240.00 to win $200.00
Playoff Lamar Parlay (+500)
Bills ML Lamar Jackson under 53.5 rushing yards Lamar Jackson under 222.5 passing yards
It's either gonna happen this week or next week at Arrowhead. So we might as well take our shot now.
💰 $60.00 to win $300.00
Field Goal Special (+290)
All 8 teams to kick at least 1 field goal
It's going to be cooooooold out there this weekend. Maybe the offenses will take a bit of time to get going.
💰 $100.00 to win $290.00
Uncle Jack's Bets
$363.29 available to bet this week +$263.29 won last week +$263.29 for the playoffs
Your gonna feel really silly when I beat you're rear ends at this!
Texans ML | $30.00 to win $105.00 TJ Shroud 3+ touchdowns | $30.00 to win $270.00 TJ Shroud more passing yards than Patrick Mahoney | $30.00 to win $37.50 Jason Daniels to win, throw a TD, and pass a TD | $30.00 to win $240.00 Jared Goof to throw a pick | $30.00 to win $36.00 Jared Goof under 270.5 passing yards | $30.00 to win $27.27
Under 43.5 in Eagles/Rams game | $30.00 to win $28.57 Cooper Flagg under 42.5 receiving yards | $30.00 to win $27.27 Rams to win the 1st quarter | $30.00 to win $48.00
Over 51.5 in Bills/Ravens game | $30.00 to win $28.57 Texans Commanders MLP | $30.00 to win $591.00 Texans Commanders Rams MLP | $3.29 to win $221.33
Kyle Allen & Lavar Jackson to combine for 7+ passing and rushing TDs | $30.00 to win $127.50
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!