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The Cowboys choked again. The Eagles looked like the Seagulls. And our Bonus Picks continue to stay lukewarm (yay, teamwork)!
Kirk lost the regular season contest and now needs to eat an Applebee's well-done steak. But there's still some football to be played, so we made some picks just for funzies. Here's how we did.
Matt's Picks
5-1 last week 5-1 this postseason
✅ Texans +2.0
I'm so glad I didn't take an aging Joe Flacco in a road playoff game against the most electrifying rookie quarterback we've seen since, I don't know, maybe RG3? Weirdly, this was the only game the entire weekend that had a lead change. The Browns briefly pulled ahead 7-3 and from there it was a total beatdown. Stroud is the real deal. Houston is a live dog heading to Baltimore. Beware!
✅ Chiefs -4.5
Man, the Dolphins sure tried to win the "we don't want to be here" award. Unfortunately, the Eagles stole the belt from them later on in the slate. It seemed like the Chiefs figured out some stuff on offense and were able to move the ball pretty easily. Unfortunately for them, it was against a severely injured Miami team missing a ton of key pieces and they still settled for field goals on a bunch of red zone trips. I'm not sure how I feel about their chances heading into Buffalo, but what an awesome matchup between two of the league's best quarterbacks.
✅ Packers +7.0
No explanation needed. Easiest pick on the board. Dak Prescott falls to 0-4 ATS at home in the playoffs and the choke artist Cowboys gag on their lunch again. LaFleur had the Pack ready to play and I love that they stayed aggressive and kept scoring. If they have a chance against San Francisco, they'll need to jump out to another early lead and find a way to kill more time on their offensive drives. The 49ers are notoriously bad at playing from behind. Something to monitor next week.
✅ Rams +3.0
The only good game of the slate. It's a shame one of these teams needed to go home. Too bad we can't swap the Bucs out for the Rams. I'd like to watch them for another week. Credit to Detroit, they came out like a house on fire. While Goff came back to earth in the second half, the damage had already been done. Also should be said that the Lions were hitting everything that moved in this game, tackling well, and were just generally very tough to play against. They should fare much better against the Bucs than those noodle-arm tacklers from Philly.
✅ Bills -10.0
A very nice Josh Allen game where he looked like an adult, not an excited pre-teen hucking the ball around in the snow. The Bills are playing great right now, but we will need to monitor the injury report heading into the game against the Chiefs. They'll be on short rest after playing a game on a frozen field that felt like concrete. A bunch of guys were coming up gimpy. Something to keep an eye on since, even though KC is less explosive than in years past, they can still make you pay if you're not 100%.
❌ Eagles -3.0
Of course the god damn Eagles would spoil my undefeated Wild Card weekend. That's what I get for taking the least-inspirational quarterback in NFL history. This team stinks. They didn't tackle at all and had zero offensive game plan. The Bucs blitzed constantly after it became apparent that the Eagles had no hot route. Hurts must be more injured than we knew about, because he barely moved out of the pocket. At one point he was 0-30 against the blitz in the game and 0-8 on third down. I'm not sure if he finally succeeded because this one got a remote throw and an early bedtime for me shortly after the demoralizing safety where Hurts stood in the end zone with the ball for longer than it takes me to shit in the morning.
Uncle Jack's Front Lawn
$100.00 wagered $92.45 won +$92.45 this postseason
Texans alt line (-13.5) — $10.00 to win $63.00 ✅
Shroud 350+ yards — $10.00 to win $110.00 ❌
Chiefs (-4.0) — $10.00 to win $9.09 ✅
Allen 1+ interceptions — $10.00 to win $6.94 ❌
Bills (-10.0) — $10.00 to win $9.09 ✅
Packers ML — $10.00 to win $29.50 ✅
Rams ML — $10.00 to win $14.20 ❌
Goof under 254.5 yards — $10.00 to win $8.77 ❌
Bucs ML — $10.00 to win $13.00 ✅
Eagles under 23.5 team points — $10.00 to win $8.77 ✅
Get off my lawn, kids! What a joke. These guys wrote for 18 weeks on they're little website and learned nothing. My hot shot nephew barely scratched out two nickels to rub together and Kirk lost enough to buy Tyrone Taylor's whole family a Microsoft Surface. I gave them a free lesson on how make 9+ units in three days.
My weekend started off perfectly. Susie fell asleep with her Suduku book over her face, so I snuck a Mug root beer from the fridge and tuned in just in time to see T.J. Shroud light it up in Houston. What a superstar. After the game, I was happy to see him immediately run an ultra-marathon to Des Moines to shovel the sidewalks and help the elderly to their caucus locations. A true patriot through and through.
Then things got a little hairy as I had to scream at Colin about the Florida book bans until he agreed to help me install The Peacock on my Firestick. By the time I turned it on, Tua Tagovailoa was an interesting shade of blue. I'm not sure if he was frozen or if he ate a bad food court poke bowl at the Antioch Galleria before the game.
Sunday was a true disappointment, as the NFL actually postponed a game for snow. Back in my day, they didn't let an itty bitty blizzard get in the way of a good time. After searching for the game on my Firestick until 1:35 and lambasting Colin about E. Jean Carroll's (lack of) credibility, I finally figured out the game got moved. Terrible call by the NFL. I was happy to see the Packers smack Dallas around when the festivities finally got started. I saw the locker room celebration with Jeremiah Love playing the baritone sax. That guy can really boogie. He'll fit right in up in San Fran-woke-o next week. Dak Preston is now 0-4 in the playoffs at home. Maybe he should replace Baker in the "protect your house" Progressive commercials next year. What a gas.
Sunday night featured total disgrace cyberbully Jared Goof somehow winning. I don't want to talk about this game. Your not going to get me to bet on the Lions next week, even against schlubby Blake Mayfield and company.
The Bills took care of business with a nice Kyle Allen performance. I will say that his fake slide was a very shady move. Back in my day, an expendable lineman would have shattered Allen's pelvis for that on the very next play — personal foul be damned. But, as was demonstrated by this game moving to Monday, this is a league softer than Blake Mayfield's belly and Philly's tackling combined.
The Eagles looked as lifeless as the Joe Biden presidency. Jared Hertz approached this game with the same intensity as his Yahtzee matches with his wheelchair-bound grandma. He should of put on more eye black, maybe that would of helped him pick up the blitz earlier. Bad team who will look even worse if lowlife Goof beats the Bucs by 40 next week.
Matt said I could make picks again for the Divisional Round as long as I mentioned Biden less than 3 times, which was easy because there is nothing to say about that limp washcloth. Talk to you on Thursday where you can find out how much of my winnings I'm putting on the Texans money line (hint: a lot).
Kirk's Picks
2-4 last week 2-4 this postseason
❌ Browns -2.0
What can I say that Joe Flacco hasn't already. "It was fun, I enjoyed being a sleeper for the Ravens and fucking the Browns one last time. Should have kept Baker! Fuck you guys!"
Also props to CJ Stroud for looking awesome and poised in the pocket. On a personal note, I'm really happy for Houston. I used to help out with the accounting during the Houston Rodeo a couple years in a row at NRG Stadium and the people were always great to me, southern hospitality is the real deal. I remember going down, having an awesome guy, we'll call him "Mikhail", pick me up in a rental car with two cases of freshly expired beer we couldn't legally sell to the public and going to a sick condo I was put up in for a couple weeks. Mikhail would also ask me everyday around 5, "ready to go to the bar?". Yes, Mikhail, yes. An absolute legend.
By the way the Rodeo experience is amazing, and I encourage everyone to go at least once and lean into it, I sure did.
✅ Chiefs -4.5
Easy win here with the Dolphins looking exactly as expected in cold weather. I would have taken out a $50K loan and bet it all on the Chiefs to cover but then my wife would have taken the kids and left even with a win. Family first.
❌ Steelers +10.0
I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I was bamboozled! We want answers Mike!
❌ Cowboys -7.0
Usually I only have a couple of bets to talk about during the recap. Honestly at this point I'm in awe that Matt is able to write so many goddamn words on a weekly basis and definitely provide more insight than I do. Where does he find the time? I'm pretty sure the answer is drugs. What's worse is he doesn't share.
✅ Rams +3.0
Great cover here considering the refs tried their hardest to absolutely screw them during the game. The lack of calls for them was atrocious. I'm happy for Detroit, I didn't mind either team advancing, but you take one look at Matt Stafford concussed after a late hit with not flag, and you tell me I'm wrong. You can't! Refs suck! Now your karma is fucked Detroit! You're done!
❌ Eagles -3.0
Bonus Picks
$100.00 wagered $22.00 won +$1,058.69 for the season
Moneyline Parlay (-144)
Chiefs and Bills
Easy peasy. It's going to be funny when we try to repeat this tactic next week with the Niners and Lions and get ass slapped by Goof, I mean Goff's, small hands.
✅ Won $50.00
Kyren Williams Parlay (+1200)
Kyren Williams to score 1+ rushing touchdown Kyren Williams to score 1+ receiving touchdown
Well, he didn't score two touchdowns but he did go into concussion protocol twice, so maybe that counts? Probably should have remembered that the one thing the Lions are good at on defense is stopping the run. Oh well.
❌ Lost $28.00
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!