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We survived Vegas and cashed some winning bets, but we sacrificed Jayden Daniels' ribs to Taranis in order to do it.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Matt's Picks
$100.00 wagered $74.25 won -$240.35 for the season
It was quite an emo weekend, traveling to Vegas for the When We Were Young Festival on Saturday and then watching the Mets (RIP Grimace) and Giants (RIP Joe Schoen) lose on Sunday. Luckily, some winning Oddball picks helped to offset the sadness and the post-Vegas shakes.
Despite the decent week of picks, I made no money in real life. I eschewed making any bets in the sports books in Vegas since I had an early morning flight out on Sunday. I figured I'd just put in a few FanDuel wagers while sitting in the airport, forgetting that you actually can't do that in Nevada. What a stupid thing. It's now harder to bet on football in the original sports betting Mecca. Boo!
Chiefs (+1.5)
Straight up ATS (-112)
Patrick Mahomes has 8 interceptions, 6 touchdowns, and is on pace for less than 4000 passing yards for the first time in his career. He has no star wide receivers, a starting running back they signed off the practice squad, and an aging stud tight end that they keep in the garage until January. I can't really believe they are undefeated, but here we are. As many have pointed out, Steve Spagnuolo's defense is a woefully underrated unit. On Sunday, they picked off Brock Purdy three times, including on back-to-back passes. Granted, the 49ers were without Deebo (illness), Jennings (hip), and Aiyuk (curse of Taranis)... but still, making Mahomes an underdog in this one was just flat out disrespectful.
✅ Won $50.00
6-Point Teaser Fuck The Haters! (-134)
Lions +8.5 Texans +8.5
My Uncle Jack hated this pick, which made me love it.
I hope you and Kirk are having a nice time on you're romantical trip to Las Vegas. Did you get a room with two beds or are you cuddling up together after a night eating caviar cones and singing about you're feelings? I saw some photos from that Take a Nap Sunday concert on the Facebook. There were more men in stretchy pants than at Colin's graduation from massage school. What the hell happened to that town? Ogling showgirls, shooting dice, puffing Parliaments, sipping scotch, and washing it all down with $3.99 prime rib wasn't good enough anymore? Typical blue state nonsense. Then you went and put the Lions in a teaser? What did you do that for? Jared Goof has a higher voice than that long-haired bozo from Cohere & Crambler. And now their talking about giving him the MVP award? He should be on the commissioner's exempt list, not in the playoff picture! He must be hacking the ballots with a Russian troll army the way he did to Tony from the Plant's niece back when she was running for student body president at Cal. She woke up one morning and all her apps were changed to vegetarian chili recipes and cat videos. Then he used ChatRPG to do AI pictures of her with super hairy armpits and texted them to her entire contact list. Come to think of it, I'd like to see someone do that to Karmela Harris. My radio program said she is a secret vagan who refuses to drink water because it's a fish's house. At least you redeemed yourself by wagering on my hero T.J. Shroud. I know he didn't get the victory, but he at least got the cover. And to Uncle Jack's "friend" at the OTB, that's all that matters. Plus, you have to give him a bit of credit. He was super tired out from serving as the air marshal on Brandon "Mile High" McAnus's flight up to Green Bay. Once he was done preventing that creep from doing any more sex crimes in the sky, he popped over to Cleveland and threw a few banana peels in front of DeSean Washcloth. This is why I keep telling Commissioner Gordon he needs to suspend Goof. Otherwise Shroud is going to have to take things into his own hands and you'll have Bountygate all over again. Have a safe flight! Fifteen minutes before they open the jet bridge, you make sure you park you're Boarding Group G ticket and you're fat rear end in front of that podium like your the Tim Duncan of the terminal. And remember, don’t take any sass from the stewardess if she tells you you're carry-on’s too big. Just keep cramming it into that overhead bin like Aunt Susie stuffing the Thanksgiving bird with sausage and sage. This is America, and if it fits, it sits. It doesn't matter who is giving you a dirty look. And you tell you're seat mate it's none of his god damned business if you brought headphones or not. You paid for a ticket and it INCLUDES the right to watch Blue Bloods at whatever volume I — err, you — god damn choose. PS: What are you being for Halloween, a fairy princess?
✅ Won $29.25
Moneyline Parlay (+886)
Patriots Browns
I thought I was kind of a genius when I woke up hungover in Vegas and saw that the Patriots were up 10-0 already. As When We Were Young performers New Found Glory would say, "It's all downhill from here." Both of these teams are hot garbage. At least the Patriots have a quarterback though.
The Browns paid a king's ransom for Watson and all he's done since coming to town is terrorize the Cleveland day spa scene, get suspended, rack up injuries, throw check downs, and play maybe one impressive painkiller-aided half of football. Seriously, in three seasons with the Browns they've paid him $138 million for 19 starts, 9 wins, 19 touchdowns, and 12 picks. And Kirk says I'm a bad Monopoly player!
I am officially on Jameis Winston resurgence watch.
❌ Lost $5.00
Kirk's Picks
$100.00 wagered $111.28 won -$323.02 for the season
While we didn't make any money out in Vegas, we did do one thing.
We didn't lose a shit ton. For 3 days in Vegas, that is a win.
Given the unusual amount of casual tourists at the tables of Resorts World, I'd say that it was an impressive feat. Almost impossible really.
Reenactment of Matt and I watching folks stay on 15's and 16's against a dealer 10.
If our others friends had gotten off their asses and joined us so we could fill a table, maybe we do take the house down.
We'll never know due to their selfish behavior. At least football was kinder to us.
Moneyline Parlay (+111)
Packers
Commanders
I don't usually dabble into moneyline parlay's all that often, but boy, this was one I'm happy I did go with the spread. I liked the Packers the whole way, you know, mostly because The Football Gods are sure to smite the Texans season for CJ Shrouds hubris - but also because in their enigmatic way they forced this game to end Packers 24, Texans 22 thus taking a significant chunk of the publics money.
I'll be honest I didn't catch this game as I was flying back at the time and got to watch the Eagles beat the piss out of Matt's Giants (sorry friend) on the Fox broadcast. I hear that Jordan Love had a mediocre game but the Packers D completely shut down Shroud and his post game stats confirm as much. Bear fans must be pre-shitting themselves as their oldest nemesis is rounding into even better form that prior years.
I digress, the main point here, is I was brought joy by the Texans performance. The Football Gods are fickle and I dare not tarry on the feeling long. The joy can always turn to despair. The Eagles are still playing this season after all.
The second part of this bet was bitter sweet as Matt alluded to above.
The Commanders beat the shit out of the Panthers as predicted and this side of the bet was never in doubt.
Jayden Daniels was hurt almost immediately.
Thankfully it appears he'll be mostly okay and just has some sore ribs. Might be broken but they probably wont tell us that. Hopefully he continues to bulk up as when he's playing he is electric. His arm talent could carry him in this league alone. He should take a look at Mahomes who has clearly adopted the pass first run more sporadically only when needed route. And last time I checked, that guy was pretty fucking good.
✅ Won $111.28
Bonus Bet
Skipped last week -$190.00 for the season
We almost had a clean sweep here, except Matt is finally developing a loose understanding of his own limits and didn't have to hurl. Baby steps, people...
Same Trip Parlay (+169)
Matt Talmage flight to Vegas over 4.5 glasses of red wine consumed ✅
Kirk McCready first hand of blackjack under 16.5 total of the first two cards ✅
Matt Talmage anytime vomit ❌
Kirk McCready under 0.5 comped breakfasts earned on player's card ✅
✅ "Won" a questionable plate of chips and salsa from the bar at the sports book
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!