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Kirk makes a profit for the first time this season, while Matt flushed all of the good vibes from last week down the toilet with a series of miserable picks.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Recap: Matt's Picks
$207.53 wagered $207.53 lost -$257.00 for the season
Sunday was pretty brutal! I missed most of the London game because I was running a 5K that I stupidly signed up for as motivation to do something besides stare at a screen all day. Then in the early window, the Panthers got beat so bad that Red Zone stopped showing it in like the second quarter. The Bengals blew three different 10-point leads to make me feel like a total moron for second guessing my hatred of them. The Commanders absolutely waxed the Browns which everyone saw coming, including my esteemed colleague who won money on it. The Colts and Jags game featured Tank Bigsby and Alec Pierce going bonkers on my fantasy bench. And basically the only game I read right, the Texans, I failed to make any money on because I tied their moneyline to a million other losing picks. Also, they tried SO HARD to give that one away but Sean McDermott gift wrapped it and sent it back with a turd inside. So after a morning and early afternoon of pain, I got to turn on the Mets playoff game and watch them cruise for five innings, stunning the Citizens Bank faithful into silence. I was feeling a lot better, but then my wife reminded me we had tickets to some jack-o-lantern blaze 45 minutes away, so I had to listen to Bryce Harper and Nick Castellanos shock the life back into the Phillies, the Mets bullpen meltdown, the Vientos tying homer, and the Phillies walk off win on the radio with my kids in the car. Holding in my profanity-laced tirades made my head hurt. And then my stomach hurt when I checked the football scores and saw I lost every bet in the late window too. INCLUDING the fact that I bet AGAINST my beloved Giants in a 14-point teaser league. No way could the Giants win by 8 or more in Seattle when they are missing their best receiver and best running back. No way! But of course they looked awesome, Danny Dimes is going to suck me back in, and the Seahawks failed to cover the +7.5 and totally ruined everything. God damn Giants. I can't bet on them or against them successfully. They have become the new Jets. And that's not a complement.
Oh and THEN after a one billion hour lightning delay, I lost with the Steelers even though Dak burped up a pair of picks. What a day!
6-Point Teaser Fuck The Haters! (-120)
Raiders +8.5 Bengals +8.5
Raiders: No way Bo Nix should be an NFL favorite after passing for 60 yards last week. The Raiders have internal drama but I get the feeling they are pretty happy that Davante isn't around.
Nope. Gardner Minshew got benched and ate his boogers. Uncle Jack was really having a field day rubbing this one in:
Bengals: Fade Parlay-Hater Jackson after a big win on Sunday Night Football. I dislike the Bengals and hope they lose. But it's a tough divisional matchup with Burrow playing well. They'll keep it close.
What do I get for hitting one leg of a teaser? Nothing? Cool.
❌ Lost $60.00
Rams +3.5
Bought the hook (-124)
The gambling gods were just mocking me today. This was the right pick! Jordan Love did a Will Levis impression, but the Rams missed an extra point which meant their late touchdown made it 24-19 instead of 24-20. At 24-20, they would have kicked another extra point and lost 24-21. But because they have to try to get within a field goal at 24-19, they went for two, didn't get it, and lost by 5.
❌ Lost $31.00
Panthers +3.5
Straight up ATS (-108)
Sell high on the deeply flawed Bears. Buy low on the Panthers who just got stomped by a desperate Cincinnati team that wrote the book on Andy Dalton. The Red Rocket or Rifle or whatever the fuck will get it done.
No, he won't.
I might throw a brick through Uncle Jack's window later:
❌ Lost $27.00
Steelers
Moneyline (-135)
Fraud alert! We might be looking at this Steelers team around Thanksgiving and wondering why we ever said anything nice about them. Dak handed them two interceptions at home and they still bungled it. I'm never betting Tomlin as a favorite ever again.
❌ Lost $67.50
Moneyline Parlay (+490)
Rams Texans 49ers
Rams: Everyone is lining up to bet the Packers and write the Rams off.
They should be!
Texans: Uncle Jack is threatening to order a Sam Darnold jersey and swear off Stroud.
He actually deleted the Sam Darnold jersey from his cart and added a Jayden Daniels. He's so excited about Washington that he might storm the Capitol again.
49ers: They worked last week to juice the odds, let's go back to the well.
Taranis is really going to town on his Mike Shanahan voodoo dolls.
❌ Lost $22.03
Kirk's Picks
$100.00 wagered $65.00 won -$269.30 for the season
Oh shit! I missed my deadline to get this out on time. I sat at work stewing over the fact with anxiety that I fucked up and my stomach just kept punishing me for it. Not sure if it was the guilt and stress, or the impossibly wet Chicken Caesar Salad wrap I ate for lunch but I was in the bathroom longer than I was at my desk today.
It was a scene of epic shit proportions. If a nose could paint a picture, it would probably just have killed itself.
Luckily for me the silver lining this past week was that my big pick, was, not shitty.
My Eggs Are Firmly In This Basket (-120)
Commanders -3
Fuck yes! I posted a winning week! And it is all thanks to a Commanders team that has been so much fun ever since they kicked 6 field goals to beat the Giants this season.
Since then the offense has been clicking and Jayden Daniels looks like the Rookie of the Year. He's not just making plays with his high accuracy throws, or shifty non-designed runs. He's audibling at the line consistently, changing plays and directing his team to get their shit together. If you are DC fan you must be stoked to actually have a positive outlook on the future of your football team.
This bet was never really in doubt and the Commanders went on to stomp the Browns, the worst vibes team in all of professional sports at the moment, 34-13. Deshaun Watson is a shell of his former self and he doesn't give a shit. As PMT noted this week, all of his guaranteed money means he can keep paying off anyone coming forward with a lawsuit before it goes public and the NFL could take action.
Buckle up Browns fans, you're still fucked.
✅ Won $75.00
4 Favorites, What Could Go Wrong (+1151)
Vikings -2.5 ✅ Commanders -3 ✅ Seahawks -6.5 ❌ Packers -3 ✅
I really could have made up more ground on Matt on top of his awful gambling week (if you recall I cursed him by the Football Gods last week to die in a pit with his picks and at least 1/2 of that came to fruition) but it was not meant to be.
Ironically, the team that fucked us both this week was his beloved Giants, by winning.
I don't question the judgement of the Football Gods, it's not our place. I just am grateful I was able to make up some ground this week and will offer up the ritual pack of 24 Costco chicken cutlets to the creature that lives behind me shed as is tradition.
❌ Lost $10.00
Bonus Bet
-$100.00 last week -$400.00 for the season
Baker Mayfield to score a rushing touchdown (+750) ❌
❌ Lost $100.00
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!