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Need solid gambling advice? You're not going to find it here! But hey, at least you know which teams to fade on a weekly basis. We stink!
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Recap: Matt's Picks
$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$157.00 for the season
Let's start with some good news. I'm "winning" this competition with a $143.00 advantage over my esteemed co-author. The bad news? I can't seem to pick a game correctly to save my life. See those embattled quarterbacks featured in the image above? Yeah, I actually bet on a bunch of those guys. WTF am I doing?
Thanks to our buddy Tom who sent us this email:
What part of betting on Skylar Thompson and Will Levis in the same week did you not agree with, Tom?
Titans (-2.5)
Straight Up ATS (-112)
Malik Willis has more wins than Lamar Jackson, Joe Burrow, Dak Prescott, Brock Purdy, Kirk Cousins, and Matthew Stafford.
Meanwhile, Will Levis now has the same amount of turnovers as Sam Darnold, Derek Carr, Daniel Jones, Blake Mayfield, Andy Dalton, and Jacoby Brissett combined! This guy is turning the ball over 2.67 times per game. If he survives the year, that's over 45 turnovers. That puts him well above the NFL record of 36, set by Brett Favre in 2005 (29 interceptions and 7 fumbles). The last guy to rival that mark was Jameis Winston in his infamous 2019 season where he put up 30 interceptions, 5 fumbles, and an astounding 33 touchdowns.
Speaking of Jameis Winston, he is the current backup for the Cleveland Browns. So we might be on Jameis watch any day now after my Giants spotted DeShaun Washcloth 7 points and still won.
❌ Lost $30.00
Dolphins (+4.5)
Straight Up ATS (-112)
Guys, you know what they say. Any time you can bet Skylar Thompson against the loudest home crowd in the league after coming off of the longest domestic road trip in the NFL, you have to do it. To say that this pick was a debacle is like saying Mike McDaniels' new haircut is troubling. It's just understating the obvious. There were so many underdogs that were crazy competitive this week. I chose the one that put up 3 points and had Mike Boyle sailing passes into the stands in the fourth quarter. Want to make enough money to buy the McLaren that Tyreek Hill got pulled over in? Make sure you subscribe to this site so you can be the first to fade my Week 4 picks on Thursday.
❌ Lost $30.00
Falcons (+3.5)
Straight Up ATS (-118)
Not even Kirk takes my picks seriously as he texted me an hour before kickoff wanting to bet on the Chiefs. Hey Kirk, try publishing your winning picks on the site next time, would ya?
Anyway, wagering against Patrick Mahomes is a bad experience. 10/10 would not recommend. But man, this game felt so fucking winnable for the Falcons. This was not as sucky of a pick as the rest of the slate. Atlanta had a legitimate chance to win the game at the end. And also, for the record, this is pass interference:
❌ Lost $30.00
Moneyline Parlay (+1071)
Vikings ✅ Cardinals ❌ Ravens ✅ 49ers ❌
Let's open up the mailbag to recap each leg of this parlay...
Vikings
Matt had to come and pick me up from the VFW Hall on Sunday night. I had to blow off some steam after a rough day. T.J. Shroud lost, Jared Goof won, and Susie made steamed tilapia for Sunday supper again. The only thing more malodorous than that recipe is you're picks. I am going to give American hero Shroud a pass this week, considering he spent the whole week interrogating the latest loser wannabe Trump assassin. He had him singing like a canary, but attaching all of that copper wire to a grown man's rear end takes a lot out of you. He was understandably depleted. If things don't improve though, I'm flirting with buying a Sam Darnold jersey on Amazon. Only two things have stopped me so far. 1) It's purple. 2) I can't remember my Prime password. Matt, can you help me with that when your done recapping you're lousy picks?
Sincerely,
Jack in Stratford, CT
Cardinals
My well-connected sources in Roger Goodrow's office are reporting that the starting quarterback of the Detroit Lions will be placed on the commissioner's exempt list by the end of the month. It would be wise to start buying out of any of you're futures that involve the Lions. The reason is that an admissions scandal investigation at Cal recently revealed that Jared Goof's dorm room's IP address was used to send everyone with an @berkeley.edu email address a picture of a poor young woman's face Photoshopped onto an orangutan's body. The FBI is collecting more information and has interviewed the young woman outside of her cosmetology school that she had to transfer to, but it is believed to be enough evidence to convict on cyberbullying and harassment charges. My sources tried to ask Goof for comment but he was too busy not paying attention in line for the TSA and wouldn't move up until they had to clear they're throat passive aggressively. I just thought you should know so that you could inform you're readers.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
Ravens
There are plenty of life lessons to take away from the Cowboys performance on Sunday that I reckon you fellas can learn from. First of all, y'all have to keep fightin' even if y'all are down 28-3. Y'all will probably still lose, but it will be much better than Kirk's current pace of $1800 in the red. Second of all, I know y'all are big Monopoly players. So next time y'all are dickerin' for a trade, offer up $1000 cash for Ventnor Avenue. When y'all's opponent says no, wait 'til everyone else in the game has a color set, then make him another offer. This time $1500 for Ventnor. He'll probably accept and y'all will have y'allselves a tremendous property to manage. Sure, y'all won't be able to afford to build any houses, but at least y'all got the deal done. And third, you should do a 53-leg parlay where 4 of the picks are awesome but the whole lot of the rest are more disgustin' than two dogs fightin' over a pork chop in a bathtub. Y'all should have no problem with that!
Take care now,
Jerry in Arlington, TX
49ers
IT IS I, TARANIS, TRANSMITTING MY WILL THROUGH THE COSMOS. IGNORE MY WARNINGS AT YOUR OWN PERIL. IF KYLE SHANAHAN DOES NOT LEAVE 1 GALLON OF FRESH GOAT'S MILK ON THE THRESHOLD OF HIS HOME AND RETURN THE CRYSTAL RELIC TO THE BURIAL GROUND FROM WHENCE IT CAME BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, I WILL BE FORCED TO HEX BRANDON AIYUK'S PET LADY BUG. IT GIVES ME NO PLEASURE TO HARM MOTHER NATURE'S INNOCENT CREATURES, BUT MY VOODOO WARNINGS OF SIRS CHRISTIAN, DEEBO, GEORGE, AND RICKY HAVE NOT BEEN HEEDED. I STRONGLY SUGGEST SIRS TALMAGE AND MCCREADY BURN COPIOUS SAGE BEFORE ATTEMPTING ANY MORE PARLAYS OR TEASERS. MAY YOUR FORTUNE BE WRITTEN IN THE HEAVENS.
LOVE,
TARANIS IN THE COSMIC ETHER
❌ Lost $10.00
Recap: Kirk's Picks
$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$300.00 for the season
Things are getting real you guys. My Fan Duel account has been smacked right in the mouth. To reload my account is to involve my wife in my dumbassery. Thanks to Matt for placing a last minute Chiefs bet so I could hide my shame for one more day.
Patriots at Jets
Over 38.5 Points (-115)
Well the Jets finally looked like the Jets that were promised to us all offseason.
The offense was rolling and Aaron Rodgers looked like 'THAT BAAAAAAAAD MAN' yet again. To help him out, his receivers were fighting through tackles, hanging onto the ball, and gaining extra yards after the catch. It was an impressive offensive performance. They did their job when it came to covering the bet.
Not since Eli Manning suited up in New Jersey have New Jersians had this much fun in their home stadium. It was nice to see the usually sad sack Jets fans have a brief respite from their civic duty of having their team be ass for the amusement of others.
Unfortunately for me, their defense also showed up and smacked the piss out of poor Jacoby Brissett. It was not pretty.
Here's a compilation from Thursday of the Jets D blowing past the Pats 'O line' play after play.
❌ Lost $100.00
Harbutt's Parlay Bonus Bet (+253)
Steelers ML ✅ Cowboys ML ❌
My esteemed colleague didn't realize I did actually place my own money on this bet. We don't post shit on here unless we put up our hard earned cash.
WE HAVE ETHICS GAWD DAMMIT!!!
I was happy Jim lost out there in the Steel City. My neighbor is a nice guy and is a Steelers fan so I could at least be happy for the dude. People forget they've had a rough time of it since Roethlisberger totally didn't do awful shit and totally didn't pretend to be a born again Christian to hide from the total monster that he is. Guy could ball though!
The Cowboys almost came back against the Ravens who turn into fat pumpkins everything 4th Quarter. I think that may be the play moving forward. Ravens to win the game, but lose the 4th Quarter. But really I hope they can get their losing streak back and going strong again. I've seen enough fraud in my line of work, I prefer to not see it on Sundays. Or Mondays. Or Thursdays. Or that one Friday.
❌ Lost $100.00
Recap: Bonus Bet
$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$200.00 for the season
Rhamondre Stevenson 2+ Receptions ❌
Hunter Henry 3+ Receptions ❌
Breece Hall 25+ Receiving Yards ✅
Parlay Odds +181
❌ Lost $100.00
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