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Kirk flames out in spectacular fashion. Also Matt was there. He's consistent.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to eat a well-done Applebee's steak.
Recap: Matt's Picks
$100.00 wagered $8.00 won +$10.37 for the season
Well folks... that's a wrap. I am officially your 2023 Oddball Champion — a title that comes with an embarrassment of riches including a crisp $10 bill and the privilege of watching a grown man eat this:
We will keep the readers updated on the timing and details of Kirk's gastrointestinal punishment. I just hope it's not too far away, because my season-long "winnings" can only afford like 3 gallons of gas (thanks, Biden)!
Titans +3.5
Straight Up ATS (-112)
Well, this was pretty easy. Vrabel once again lived up to his reputation as a fiesty home underdog and the Titans spoiled the Jaguars playoff hopes with an outright win. It has been beaten to death over the past 24 hours, but man, what a collapse by the Jags. I kind of feel bad for AEW mid-card babyface Trevor "Lank" Lawrence. He was clearly playing through a shoulder injury he suffered after a botched pile driver in Week 16.
Jags fans will now need to spend the offseason wondering if their franchise quarterback will be able to make the leap to elite status. They'll also probably want to inquire about Imaginationland's return policy on head coaches.
✅ Won $16.96
Panthers +4.5
Straight Up ATS (-105)
Okay so a couple summers ago, my mother-in-law came back from a beach vacation and brought home a cooler full of fresh clams that she foisted upon the rest of the family. There was only so much spaghetti vongole I could eat before I had to throw the rest of those bad boys in the trash can. So I chucked them in the big bin in the garage. But here's the awful part. We then left for a beach vacation of our own and I forgot to bring the cans out to the curb (I was probably distracted by a losing MLB parlay featuring the Mets). So anyway, we came home and those clams had been fermenting inside my 90-plus-degree garage for a week. I tell you, that smell has never left me.
This season of futility from the Panthers kind of reminds me of that.
And even after all of that, I still think I had the right side in this game. The Panthers had one touchdown negated because DJ Chark fumbled as he reached out over the goal line (still the worst rule in sports, in my opinion) and then another touchdown wiped off the board after a flag was thrown for illegal formation. Bryce Young fumbled on the very next play. They also dropped 3 easy interceptions and missed a field goal.
It's not like the Bucs and their measly 9 points looked great. Congrats to them on limping their way into the playoffs. They'll host the taxidermied Eagles in Tampa on Monday Night in a game featuring the two teams with the least positive mojo to compete in the same playoff game since I'm not really sure I don't have time to think about this but you get the point.
❌ Lost $19.00
Bears +3.0
Straight Up ATS (-115)
I need to eat a little crow on this one. I was just flat-out wrong. The Packers looked determined and Jordan Love really stepped up in his biggest moment as a pro (aside from that one time Aaron Rodgers asked him to hold his mala beads while being served papers in a defamation lawsuit).
I don't think Justin Fields comes back to the Bears. If you can't throw at all on that terrible Green Bay secondary in a game you know is going to be dissected all offseason in the lead up to the draft, you're probably not the guy.
The Packers resounding victory won them a trip to Dallas next weekend for a Mike McCarthy revenge game. He's still mad he had to leave a place with all of that cheese. This game features 2 of my 3 least-favorite teams in the NFL. Here's hoping this new Covid wave causes both teams to forfeit. Surgeon General Rodgers might need to step in and provide some guidance here.
❌ Lost $19.00
Bills -3.0
Straight Up ATS (-104)
I'm grateful for my $18 win in this pool, but even happier over my 4-figure payout on the Bills to win the AFC East (+350). I was really sweating this one in the first half with Allen throwing his trademark end zone pick early and looking very shaky in general. But they got it together in the second half, might be figuring out their version of a Tush Push, got an awesome Allen scramble on 3rd & 13, enjoyed Tua trying to get Tyreek Hill killed with balls thrown over the middle, and benefitted from even more injuries to the Dolphins defense that just completely wore down as the game went on. A fun, sloppy, intense game to get ready for the playoffs.
As happy as I am about the Bills, the question must be asked: are they the worst #2 seed of the Super Wild Card era? Mason Rudolph and the resurgent Steelers will find out next week!
✅ Won $18.27
Giants +5.5
Straight Up ATS (-122)
Sorry to my friends in Philly. The Tyrod Taylor / Tommy DeVito platoon kicked your ass in a game with actual stakes. You're not a Super Bowl team. But you kind of knew that because you complained about every single win during their 10-1 start to the season. Jalen Hurts' finger looked like Chris Elliott's hand in Scary Movie. Not a good sign. Good luck against Baker Mayfield on Monday Night. Probably gonna sleep through that one.
✅ Won $15.77
WTF Parlay
All five picks above (+2366)
This did not win. See you in the playoffs.
❌ Lost $5.00
Kirk's Picks
$388.70 wagered $388.70 lost -$776.55 for the season
We've reached the finish line. There is no more pain for me this season. I've gone through the fire and come out with a burnt ass steak staring at me.
I'm not going to change and don't regret my bets this season. It was a roller coaster that succeeded in my main goal when it comes to gambling, entertaining me. Through the wins and losses (I didn't lose $1K so fuck yeah!) I was able to get a whole season of bets in without having to reload my FanDuel account.
That's the real win.
That and my venmo balance that I keep secret from my wife to fuel outside bets.
Whoops!
The Reckoning Same Game Parlay (+226)
Ravens +4, Over 35.5
So I think I karmically fucked myself by preaching about the Football Gods too much this season. They were pissed at me for thinking I could speak in their name and smote me down a final time. In this instance I was smote by the actual manifestation of their anger, a terrible stormy game in which it dumped water on the players the entire night.
The Over was in trouble immediately and this is a stark reminder to:
A. Not offend the Football Gods like a noob.
B. Check the weather forecast to avoid looking like a giant asshole!
As a final note here, man do I dislike watching the Steelers play football. My bias definitely leaked in here. I hope you Steel Town Assholes flame out spectacularly in the playoffs!
Bums!
❌ Lost $350.00
Multi Game Parlay (+4876)
All Anytime Touchdown Scorers - Jahmyr Gibbs, Justin Jefferson, Aaron Jones, DJ Moore, Rachaad White, Raheem Mostert
Not much to say here - I won a few ATS parlays this season, but alas, this was not to be.
Moral of the story here: Avoid betting any ATS's or other parlays in week 18. It's a total crapshoot and I should have remembered that.
See you next season where now I get to claim underdog status all year and vilify Matt. Thanks again for following along with our dumb shit.
❌ Lost $38.70
Bonus Picks
$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost +$1,036.69 for the season
Same Game Parlay (+135)
Falcons ML ❌ Panthers ML ❌ Titans ML ✅ Bears ML ❌ Giants ML ✅
Unfortunately, we needed at least 3 to cash here and so we leave you with a loser to end the season. We'll be back with some shenanigans in the Wild Card round. Until then...
❌ Lost $100.00
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!