.png)
Kirk makes up significant ground courtesy of his shenanigans with a chance to sink Matt into a pit of despair heading into our final week.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to eat a well-done Applebee's steak.
Recap: Matt's Picks
$100.00 wagered $57.60 lost +$2.37 for the season
Wow. I've gone 17 weeks, 34 Oddball articles, 50,000 words, and $2139.84 wagered to end up here. I'm up a measly $2.37 with my esteemed colleague cashing long shot parlays to put the outcome of our contest in doubt. I need to go burn some sage or something before Week 18 begins and try to sneak out of here with a victory, no matter how ugly it looks.
Giants +5.5
Straight Up ATS (-112)
Friend-of-the-site Tyrod Taylor came through for me, doing just enough to put the Giants in position to not only cover, but potentially steal the outright win. Unfortunately, Tommy DeVito, agent Sean Stellato, and the rest of the Five Families were pretty upset over Cutlets' benching. They seem to have retaliated by doing this to Giants' backup kicker Mason Crosby:
Crosby missed an extra point and the game-winning field goal in the Giants' 1-point loss. Pretty brutal if you had a Giants/Cardinals moneyline parlay but if my wife asks, I definitely did NOT wager on something so stupid.
Anyway, the Rams continue to look like a frisky Wild Card team, but their special teams is definitely concerning if you're thinking about putting any money on them in the postseason.
✅ Won $20.00
A New Start FanDuel Parlay (+6000)
Tyrod Taylor over 0.5 rushing touchdowns Tyrod Taylor over 19.5 completions Jacoby Brissett over 0.5 rushing touchdowns Jacoby Brissett over 19.5 competitions
Making these picks on Thursday can sometimes be tricky. Brissett suffered a hamstring injury on Friday and was later ruled out of this one. Mercifully, FanDuel voided this entire bet, so I didn't lose!
😐 Void
Bucs -2.5
Straight Up ATS (-110)
I truly hate this horrible division and I absolutely CANNOT wait to wager against whoever represents them in the Wild Card round. Although, now it looks like the Eagles might get the 5-seed and play the NFC South champ on the road? I dunno, maybe even the Saints shitty offense could beat up on Philly's porous defense. Especially if Juwan Johnson keeps doing stuff like this:
Anyway, I lost this stupid bet.
❌ Lost $22.00
Moneyline Parlay (+142)
Colts Seahawks
The Colts made the first part of this pretty easy. They led the entire game, but failed to cover the 3.5-point spread as the Raiders rallied for a backdoor cover with a late touchdown. Pretty brutal if you also bet both of these teams ATS because you were so confident in these picks but if my wife asks, I definitely did NOT wager on something so stupid. Stop me if you've heard that before.
The Seahawks were just plain bad. Please someone pop their playoff bubble, because I don't want to watch them again this season. If you can't beat Mason Rudolph in front of your, allegedly, loudest fans in the league in a HUGE game with playoff implications, you don't deserve to make it. Sorry Geno. It's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun. See ya next year!
And finally, just one note to say that even though I made fun of him above, maybe I need to eat a little crow about Mason Rudolph. The Steelers have looked legitimately good over the past two weeks. It might be too little too late, since NFL.com has projected just a 29% chance for them to make the playoffs. But that might be good news for whoever gets the 2-seed in the AFC. Not sure I'd want to play Mike Tomlin and and an unexpectedly hot quarterback in the playoffs.
❌ Lost $50.00
Kirk's Picks
$123.19 wagered $288.70 won -$387.55 for the season
Do you hear that sound? That is not the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs to bulldoze me into oblivion.
That is the sound of me, dressed in ceremonial robes covered in vinegar and Evan Williams slamming the back door open while Matt is attempting to sleep in his warm bed upstairs.
While I have not yet caught him and force fed him the Applebee's gray steak I grasp tightly in my fist, there is now a chance that I do.
A chance I am salivating at.
Thursday Night Poop Bowl Over 34.5 (-114)
Jets @ Browns
This game went as perfectly as possible for me.
Not only was I correct, both teams significantly out performed their team total overs, but kindly the time it took to seal this bet was astounding.
The first three drives resulted in touchdowns and I was kicking my feet up early knowing I finally wasn't going to have to sweat.
✅ Won $87.72
Same Game Parlay (+6968)
All to score anytime TD's - Kareem Hunt, Breece Hall, Jerome Ford, Amari Cooper
Funny thing about those three touchdowns!
They were completed by Jerome Ford, Breece Hall, and Kareem Hunt.
In the moment I knew that I was some sort of Oracle, one who sucked at this job and forgot to do anything about it of course, yet I still basked in the glory early of the odds shifting severely in my favor for my longshot bet. Surely Mr. Cooper who set so many records the week before would be able to get a chance or two in the end zone.
But Alas! It was not meant to be. Checking my phone I saw that Amari Cooper was ruled out an hour before the game.
FanDuel paid me out on the reduced odds (+2141) for only hitting a 3 leg parlay but I am not bitter to be clear.
Much like if you're sleeping off the worst Tapas farts of your life while your two buddies go on a much needed table run in Vegas, you can't hold jealousy in your heart. You must rejoice!
I know that if I was at that table, maybe the cards turn to shit and my friends lose even more money than they had already managed too.
And if Amari Cooper was in that game who knows what the game plan looks like? Ford probably isn't catching passes as frequently as a check down option.
What a win!
✅ Won $214.17
Multi Game Parlay (+17851)
8 Leg Parlay All Straight Up ATS - Ravens -3.5, Patriots +13.5, Bears -3, Texans -4.5, Colts -3.5, Rams -5.5, Jags -6.5, Bucs -2.5
Sadly I missed out on this longshot. The boys will not be getting their booze courtesy of me as a result.
Sorry you bunch of fuckers!
❌ Lost $13.19 (I incorrectly put my wager on the site last week as $10)
Bonus Picks
$100.00 wagered $357.39 won +$1,136.69 for the season
Holy shit is that a comma I see in a cash total?! And it's a positive number?!?!
It turns out when we all band together and put our differences aside we can actually make money.
3/4's of this bet was essentially locked up by halftime with only Conklin making us sweat it out. He finally had a final couple of catches at the end of regulation and helped us take home a tidy sum. Thank you Jets, you didn't disappoint these two degenerates at least.
Same Game Parlay (+135)
Browns ML ✅
Njoku over 3.5 receptions ✅
Conklin over 3.5 receptions ✅
Ford over 39.5 rushing yards ✅
With 1 week to go, we'll have to find a way to make week 18 interesting.
Until then, BYE.
✅ Won $357.39
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!