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Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.
Welcome back to Oddball! Our weekly NFL gambling competition. The rules are simple:
We each get $100 to make NFL bets every week.
We must bet the entire $100.
We'll post our picks every Thursday and recap how we did every Tuesday.
We can only bet on stuff that will be resolved during the week (no futures).
Loser must eat an entire well-done steak at Applebee's.
Any profit you make in a given week can be banked and used later. Any portion of the $100 that you don't lose, cannot be used later but does count towards your overall total for the season.
Now that the rules preamble is over, let's get to the picks and the continued decline of Kirk's mental state.
Matt's Picks
$100.00 available to bet this week -$39.01 last week +$96.98 for the season
Let's start this off by wishing a very Merry Christmas to all of our readers. May the opposite of Kirk's Thursday Night Football picks continue to be the gift that keeps on giving.
I'm going back to the well this week, with my tried-and-true formula of five picks against the spread and no fucking teasers. I have to go wrap a whole bunch of Trolls Band Together merchandise for my daughters, so we're gonna make this a bit briefer than usual. And, in the spirit of family togetherness, my Uncle Jack will be helping out with his in-depth quarterback analysis.
Bills -12.5
Straight Up ATS (-115)
Matt: As mentioned, I bet Josh Allen to win the MVP at 14-to-1 a few weeks ago. Since then, the Bills are back from the dead. While usually I'd be eyeing the Chargers in this spot after a coaching change and embarrassing loss, I'm hoping this is the game that Allen really takes it to a reeling team and pads the stats for the MVP case.
Jack: You're readers know I'm terrible with names but even I couldn't make something up as stupid as Easton Stick. I like Buffalo here, even though I don't condone all of the rowdy behavior from there fans — in my day and age we'd never even think to put our feet up on a table.
💰 $20.00 to win $17.39
Titans +3.0
Straight Up ATS (-110)
Matt: You always have to smash Vrabel as a home underdog against a team coming off an emotional upset in primetime. The Seahawks are coming cross country for a 1:00 start on short rest with a QB controversy brewing. I'll happily take the points here.
Jack: Drew Luck looked truly heroic on Monday Night Football — his last drive reminded me of Ronald Reagan's Berlin Wall speech or the time Tony from the plant performed the Heimlich maneuver on an old lady at the Shoprite. Turns out, she wasn't choking after all — just wheezing from pushing a cart full of hard pretzels and tapioca pudding. Much like Tony, it looks like Drew might loose his job this week to a guy named Gene. I'm no hippie, but I do occasionally believe in karma. Fade Seattle.
💰 $20.00 to win $18.18
Vikings +3.0
Straight Up ATS (-118)
Matt: The Vikings defense has been looking great. And honestly, on offense, Nick Mullens didn't look terrible against a very physical Bengals team. The Lions will be much less formidable on defense, so give me the home divisional dog in this one.
Jack: I can't wait to crack open an adult beverage (none of this peno noir crapola) and watch the Vikings blitz the tar out of Goof. His small hands will be fumbling and bumbling all afternoon. Serves him right for being a dirty, disgusting, no-good cyberbully. And now, with Tony's job in jeopardy, his niece might have to come live with me for chrissakes. Colin better not be getting any ideas!
💰 $20.00 to win $16.95
Cardinals +4.5
Straight Up ATS (-115)
Matt: This might be a trap. Why is this line so high? Chicago had some good vibes going into last week, but that meltdown late in the game brought everything to a screeching halt. It's gonna be hard for them to get up for this one, knowing their playoff hopes are pretty much dashed and their quarterback is gonna get traded four weeks from now.
Jack: I'd rather watch these two Qbs play Yahtzee or compete in a 40-yard dash. They both zero out there full house too early but can really high tail it when they want to. This one isn't going to make it up on the uTube for me, though seems like Arizona has looked better since Kyle Murray came back from the video arcade.
💰 $20.00 to win $17.39
Ravens +5.5
Straight Up ATS (-115)
Matt: The two leading contenders for MVP battling it out. This should be a great game in what some people are predicting as a Super Bowl preview. I think this one gets decided by a late field goal, so I'll take the points. Oh, and just for the record, Lamar is 11-1-1 as an underdog in his career. Jack: I hope Candlestick park or whatever the heck the bay area hippies call it these days has some good plumbing. We all know that Lavar will be in the bathroom two or three times during this game. I disagree with Matt on this pick big time. Lavar is a choker who will end up with Covid, dysentery, or shingles before kickoff. Somebody feed this guy an apple!
💰 $20.00 to win $17.39
Kirk's Picks
$163.77 available to bet this week +$63.77 last week -$699.74 for the season
It's time to mount the greatest comeback of all time.
A rebirth.
I used a Harry Potter GIF here to hopefully throw super fan Matt off balance. I probably just undid anything by bringing it up.
Let's start over.
I'm coming for you Matt.
Rams -3.5
Straight up ATS (-115)
The Rams are coming into form exactly when you want to be as the old trope goes. January football is almost upon us and their offense is clicking and their defense is healthy (heavily knocking on wood).
Combine that with the QB drama coming out of New Orleans and I'm laying the points. Apparently everyone hates Derek Carr in the locker room. Somewhat odd to consider as Devante Adams is apparently one of his best friends left marooned in Vegas. Usually when you have a S tier WR they are quick to turn on shitty QB's.
What are you hiding Carr?! Where are the bodies?!?!
💰 $100.00 to win $86.96
Same Game Parlay (+242)
SF 49ers -5.5, Over 46.5
Why even fight it at this point? Why have I just not been betting the 49ers every week for the past 5 weeks?
It has been free money and they look like juggernauts (even heavier knocking).
I'm tying the -5.5 into the Over here with the hopes of gaining some ground on Matt in our contest.
I can not overstate how much, by the grace of the Football Gods, I do not want to eat a well done Applebee's steak if I officially lose this competition.
GROSS.
💰 $63.77 to win $154.42
Bonus Pick
$100.00 available to bet this week +$135.30 last week +644.43 for the season
Kirk and I fundamentally disagree on tonight's game. So we're just taking a safe-ish same game parlay aided by our collective hero @DanGambleAI who has been money at posting these on whatever the fuck Elon's hate speech website is called these days.
Tyler Higbee over 2.5 receptions
Alvin Kamara over 2.5 receptions
Kyren Williams over 49.5 rushing yards
💰 $100.00 to win $134.87
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!
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