Oddball: Week 14 NFL Bets

Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.

Welcome back to Oddball! Our weekly NFL gambling competition. The rules are simple:

• We each get $100 to make NFL bets every week.

• We must bet the entire $100.

• We'll post our picks every Thursday and recap how we did every Tuesday.

• We can only bet on stuff that will be resolved during the week (no futures).

• Loser must eat an entire well-done steak at Applebee's.

Any profit you make in a given week can be banked and used later. Any portion of the $100 that you don't lose, cannot be used later but does count towards your overall total for the season.

Now that the rules preamble is over, let's get to the picks and see if Matt can possibly dig the dagger into Kirk any further.

Matt's Picks

$100.00 available to bet this week -$24.87 last week +$84.98 for the season

I was lazy this week, so instead of my usual writeup, I turned things over to Uncle Jack to preview one of the worst slates of quarterback matchups in recent memory. He did not disappoint:

The T-Bone Steak Tier

These matchups have premium cuts of beef quarterbacking both teams. Their so good they might even get Susie to look up from her Suduku puzzles for a minute or two.

Jared Hertz (PHI) vs. Dak Preston (DAL)

Even more exciting then the time Tony from the plant got a BOGO coupon for Fosters and Bloomin' Onions from the Outback Steakhouse. Simply delicious. We put down a dozen of both. Perfect day.

Kyle Allen (BUF) vs. Patrick Mahoney (KC)

One time I drove the RV to Grand Canyon National Park through a torrential downpour. When I finally got to the south rim, the weather cleared and a rainbow appeared. Then a bald eagle flew threw it. That's kind of what this game will be like.

The Frozen Pizza Tier

Kind of like how DiGiorno is almost good, these matchups are almost fun. Kind of like when Matt says he'll come over and have a few drinks with me, but he shows up with some hoity toity red wine that tastes like your licking the inside of a barn.

Matt Stratford (LAR) vs. Lavar Jackson (BAL)

Maybe frozen pizza isn't quite fare for this one. It's definitely delivery quality. Except the Grubhub driver is one of Colin's classmates at community college who was too busy vaping to get to you're house on time, so the pie is freezing cold when it shows up.

Russell Wislon (DEN) vs. Jason Herbert (LAC)

Definitely scared that this one is in California, since we all know that when the sun comes out, Russell likes to get shirtless in front of kids and start doing high knees. If your going to watch with a young audience, be prepared to change the channel.

Gene Smith (SEA) vs. Bill Purdy (SF)

Big Gene really gave Kirk a swift kick to the pearls last week, which gave me a good chuckle. Why do any of you people read these picks? Anyway, I'm not gonna be telling my grandkids about this one. Mainly because Colin never leaves the house or wears proper footwear.

Will Pelvis (TEN) vs. Tua Tagovailoa (MIA)

Tua has been so exciting that he dragged this matchup out of the bottom tier and firmly into average territory. Tyreek Hill runs faster than Hunter Biden drives to Las Vegas. Truly electrifying. Too bad this Pelvis guy listens to jazz and paints watercolors.

The Steamed Fish Tier

Hold you're nose if Susie's cooking up the steamed tilapia again. Christ, I work my ass off at the plant and I come home to a plate of food that smells like low tide and sadness. Don't eat that slop and don't watch these losers either.

Garfield Minshew (IND) vs. Jake Brown (CIN)

One wears leather pants on the plane and the other wears cargo shorts to his great uncle's funeral. Change the channel, please.

Jared Goof (DET) vs. Jason Fields (CHI)

Small Hands Goof is a good-for-nothing cyberbully that made Tony's niece have to get a Better Help account. I hope he loses by 100.

T.J. Shroud (HOU) vs. Zach Wilson (NYJ)

The undisputed rookie of the year, future hall-of-famer, and guy who helps old women cross the street on the way to practice vs. a guy that wants to sleep with the old women while doing non-stop fumbles and interceptions.

Lou Dobbs (MIN) vs. Avery O'Connell (LV)

I'm not sure who either of these people are.

Jeremiah Love (GB) vs. Danny DeVito (NYG)

Will the blank sheet of computer paper keep printing out high-def pictures of Ronald Reagan flying on the back of a bald eagle? Or will DeVito's imported Parmigiano Reggiano be the winning cheesehead? I don't really care.

The Vagan Diet Tier

QBs who don't eat enough protein and clearly suffer from Low T. These games will be a bigger disaster then the democrat cities with crime and litter and undesirables everywhere you look. Might have Colin just throw out my Firestick (even though he'll insist on recycling... what a joke).

Blake Mayfield (TB) vs. John Ritter (ATL)

Like vegetarian chili dumped on top of cauliflower rice. Barf.

T.J. Beathard (JAX) vs. Joe Falco (CLE)

Like watching Karmela Harris try to do a TikTok dance.

Bryce Harper (CAR) vs. James Wintson (NO)

If you think this game is good, you probably think Matt actually interviewed Kid Rock.

Bailey Zappa (NE) vs. Mitch Trubitszky (PIT)

I hope Al Michaels' family has a good life insurance policy.

The Actual Picks

🐻 Bears +3.5

$20.00 to win $16.67

🐏 Rams +7.5

$20.00 to win $16.95

🏴‍☠️ Bucs +2.5

$20.00 to win $17.39

🏹 Chiefs -1.5

$20.00 to win $18.52

🤠 Cowboys -3.5

$20.00 to win $20.00

Kirk's Picks

$100.00 available to bet this week -$560.28 last week -$743.51 for the season

That was a fun week of football! My enthusiasm is real and man, we are having fun out here. It's all about fun, playful competition with one of my closest friends.

Internally:

On to the picks.

These Thursday Night QB's Stink Bet (+2748)

Mitch Trubisky Under 180.5 Passing Yds, Bailey Zappe Under 154.5 Passing Yds, Allen Robinson II Under 11.5 Receiving Yds, Jalen Warren Under 16.5 Receiving Yds, Ezekiel Elliot Under 16.5 Receiving Yds, Tyquan Thorton Under 12.5 Receiving Yards

This game looks absolutely awful. One of the lowest points totals posted. Ever! Gross!

This bet is to hopefully capitalize on an awful QB performance. If I have to watch terrible "Smash Mouth" football, maybe a long shot of suck pays off.

💰 $10.00 to win $274.87

Bears +3

Straight up ATS (+100)

I shit all over the Bears early in this season, made some money, tried to keep riding against them, and lost some money.

Now they've shown some fight and Fields has looked decent. The Lions defense has been very concerning this season and they've escaped with wins of late. I like taking the Bears with the points at Soldier Field (hopefully it's cold as shit) and odds at +100.

I don't remember the last time I saw an odds line at +100 with the points. That seems fishy and I'll probably lose. But guess what?

💰 $40.00 to win $40.00

Bills @ Chiefs Over 48.5

(-110)

I like the over here with how the Bills have been playing, even losing, they've been tossing up points. They're still in the playoff race and the Chiefs with a loss last week will be hoping to make up ground.

I'll be rooting for both teams to forget to play defense (don't think the Bills need the help) and we have a fun shoot out.

Also I'm betting this instead of the Birds game spread because I'm a coward.

Moving on.

💰 $40.00 to win $36.36

Multigame Parlay (+1127)

Rams +7.5, Panthers +5.5, Bengals 1.5+, Jags +3

Let's take a little shot. It can't get any worse.

Rams have been frisky and playing the Ravens who are a bit banged up, let's take the points.

The Panthers are historically bad. So are the Saints! They're "washed up" QB Carr recently got told he sucks by the Saints star WR who then deleted his X account. Seems like a good sign for a team that started hot then has shit themselves every week for a month.

I like what I saw out of Jake Browning last week for the Bengals. Playing at home against a Colts team that has screwed by ATS multiple times this week will have been pumped for a small revenge game.

The Browns QB situation is a mystery after old man Flacco went down hurt after 1 week. I'll take the Jags on the road getting points.

💰 $10.00 to win 112.71

Bonus Pick

$100.00 available to bet this week +$232.46 last week +609.13 for the season

This has been the lone bright spot in our wagering lately. Let's keep it going with another same gamer in tonight's yuck-fest.

Diontae Johnson over 24.5 receiving yards

Ezekiel Elliott over 1.5 receptions

Under 33.5 total points

💰 $100.00 to win $150.13

Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!