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Daniel Jones poops on an otherwise decent day for Matt, while the Harbaugh brothers land themselves atop Kirk's ever-lengthening shit list.
Oddball is our weekly NFL gambling competition where we each get $100 every week and try to outdo each other. The loser has to drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone. Let's take a look at how we did this week!
Recap: Matt's Picks
$100.00 wagered $20.86 won +$20.86 for the season
I squeaked out a modest profit this week with my picks. Unfortunately, I failed to apply any of this wisdom to my actual FanDuel account and knockout pools. It's okay though. Now that I don't need to watch the Giants anymore this season, I'll have more time to focus on handicapping these games.
6-Point Teaser (-134)
Colts +8.5 ✅
Giants +7.5 ❌
The Colts were fine and it turns out we didn't need to tease them at all. They lost by 2 and covered the 2.5, hanging with a tough divisional opponent all afternoon. Anthony Richardson threw a few insane deep balls and also made a few boneheaded mistakes. That seems like it's going to be par for the course this season from him. In either case, the Colts won't be boring. It would have been nice if they stole this one, since I bet over their win total for the season, but they were absolutely not the problem with this bet.
The Giants once again laid a wet fart at home to open the season. I sent an enthusiastic text in our group thread after we sacked Darnold and set up a short field with a forced fumble on the Vikings' first drive. And immediately after our offense stalled out and settled for a field goal, Kirk replied, "I'm saving this to laugh at later".
I'd be laughing too if I didn't have to root for this pathetic excuse of a football team. Hey, guess who has more touchdowns: Saquon Barkley in 1 game for the Eagles or Daniel Jones in his 7 starts since signing a $160 million contract extension? Joe Schoen better take a break from playing Uno with his kids and Brian Daboll better take his feet off of his desk. It's time to start packing your shit. These are Jones' real stats since signing that aforementioned extension:
Disgusting. And I guess I owe Sam Darnold an apology. It turns out it's my own quarterback that shouldn't be favored against anyone in the league (except maybe Bryce Young, but we'll get to him).
❌ Lost $26.66
Steelers +3.5
Straight Up ATS (-115)
So when I made this pick on Thursday, it seemed like Russell Wilson was going to get the start for the Steelers. But he ended up getting ruled out with an injury, and maybe I'm crazy, but it made me like Pittsburgh even more. As suspected, Kirk Cousins was completely immobile. He was in shotgun or pistol the entire game, so clearly the Falcons don't have any faith in his ability to move around. He made it way too easy on the Steelers defense, and they don't need any help since they might already be one of the best units in the league. Such a masterclass by Mike Tomlin and Arthur Smith who love showing us how to do jack shit on offense and still win. The Steelers' stinky preseason, quarterback castoffs, and general mediocrity throw people off the scent, but don't forget: this team made the playoffs last year behind Kenny Pickett, Mason Rudolph, and Mitch Trubisky. That's how good their coaching and defense can be.
✅ Won $20.00
Cardinals +6.5
Straight Up ATS (-110)
As predicted, this line was indeed too high... but just barely. The Bills started off like they had funneled too many Labatt Blues in the parking lot and the fast-paced Cardinals offense jumped out to a 17-3 lead. Josh Allen had his obligatory red zone turnover midway through the first quarter to help put his Bills in a hole. But he eventually settled down and began feasting on the Cardinals atrocious defense, scoring 31 of the next 34 points. We were probably lucky to escape this one with the cover, even after the big early lead. But a sick kickoff return (thanks new rules!) helped Kyler & Co. do enough to cash this ticket. (Btw: I felt a little something stirring in my landing zone while watching this one).
✅ Won $20.00
Same Game Parlay (+162)
Panthers +3.5 Derek Carr u1.5 passing touchdowns
Let's turn it over to my Uncle Jack to break this one down:
The Panthers are so bad they made Bauhaus lead singer turned quarterback David Carr look elite. It's time Carolina accepts that Bryce Harper is better suited for baseball than football. Why does he stand so still in the pocket? What is he waiting for, David Carr's borscht to finish heating up in the microwave? My son Colin hates sports, capitalism, and throwing overhand, but I've seen him toss his Che Guevara lighter more accurately than this bozo's passes. Maybe the Panthers should hire Karmela Harris's debate coach to show him how to stand on a box or a riser so he can see over the linemen's heads. You're readers must be sick in the head to read this website in the first place, but there REALLY messed up if they took your advice to put Davy Jones in a teaser. Davy Dimes? More like Davy Pennies. That guy avoids the end zone like Hillary Clinton avoided campaign events in Wisconsin. Maybe if he spent more time playing football at Duke instead of kissing Mike Krzyzlwadafzzklxvdski on the lips, he'd be a better player. Tell Kirk to start writing about the Stephen King TV adaptations instead of the books. Maybe then you guys could convince you're friend Tyrod to come back to the Giants. Otherwise, bring on Danny DeVito and start fresh next year without you're crappy QB, doofus GM, and slob head coach. Next time you want to bet the Giants, ask FanDuel how much wood you have to lay to get a 22-point teaser. Since you're picks this week looked like you were trying to start a new game called "Who Wants to Bench a Millionaire?" I was actually shocked when you didn't bet on the Browns. I was happy to see DeSean "Jade Tree" Watson stumbling around like he forgot to untie the washcloth around his waste. He looked like Tom Tebow out there the way he was chucking balls into the crowd, and that kind of makes sense because Tebow was notorious for wanting a postgame rubdown from the Florida Gators mascot (in full costume). Don't believe me? Just ask Urban Meyer. You can find him at your local Buffalo Wild Wings grinding up on a blonde half his age like a total prevert. Nice job by Watson racking up 169 passing yards in a game that was largely in garbage time. Do you think he landed on that number on purpose because he's such a prevert? Anyway, my week was pretty good. American hero and patriot T.J. Shroud is UNDEFEATED. Did you see him convert that fourth down pass from his knees? Rumor has it that Bryce tried that once but all the other players thought he was an ant and started pointing and laughing at him. The only downside to this weekend's slate was having to watch CONFESSED cyber bully and certified loser Jared Goof get an overtime win against his former team. I watched his postgame interview hoping he'd finally show some class and apologize to Tony from the plant's niece for the time he hacked into her professor's email account and sent her an email that said "click here for you're homework assignment" but it was actually a link to that "2 Girls 1 Cup" video instead of homework, but no, he's still an arrogant horse's rear end just like he's always been. Roger Goodell better make sure to lock him out of the NFL's email server and put him on the commissioner's exempt list if he tries any more shenanigans. PS: Susie wants to know if your coming over for Monday Night Football tonight to watch the Jets. She made extra meatloaf because Colin won't eat it and I'm not sure if it's green because she likes Aaron Rodgers or was just too busy doing Suduku puzzles to read the recipe correctly.
❌ Lost $20.00
Patriots (ML)
Moneyline (+330)
I had this one completely sniffed out and even cautioned everyone NOT to take the Bengals in their knockout pools. And then, what did I do? I took the Bengals in my knockout pool. God, I'm such an idiot. I was the DEFENDING CHAMPION of this pool and now I'm out in Week 1 because I put my faith in Joe "Slim Shady" Burrow and Zac "I Sit on the Beach Until Halloween" Taylor. I hope the Bengals go 3-14 and miss the playoffs. At least I made money on this upset pick, right? WRONG. I threw them in an underdog moneyline round robin: Patriots: Won Colts: Covered, didn't win. Somehow made no money on them despite loving them +2.5 all week. Jaguars: Covered, didn't win. Somehow blew a 17-point lead. Cardinals: Covered, didn't win. Led 17-3 and then got carved up all second half. Giants: Got ass-blasted. Anyway, at least I got to bank $20 or so in fake currency so that I can put it all on a Giants/Panthers/Browns moneyline parlay next week.
✅ Won $27.52
Recap: Kirk's Picks
$100.00 wagered $100.00 lost -$100.00 for the season
First week in the books, couldn't have gone any better really. I'm doing really well.
Needle in the Hayyyyyyyyyy, Needle in the Hayyyyyyyyyy, Needle in the Hayyyyayyyyyyyy
The Harbutt's Bet (+602)
Chiefs Alternate Spread -9.5 ❌ Raiders +3 ❌
This was a frustrating loss for a couple of reasons. The first being that if Patrick Mahomes receivers didn't suck ass, AGAIN, and drop multiple first down/touchdowns that game was a wrap. The final score was nowhere near as close as the game itself was.
I realize the Ravens 'lost' on the final possession with a big ol toe stepping out of bounds, but really, they should have been dead in the water long before that. I'm not sold on this Ravens team at all. Sloppy Chiefs play is all the kept their illusion of skill up. John Harbaugh is still just as milk toast as I thought and Lamar is too skinny this year, also just like I thought. It was reported he took an extra day off practice this week (week 1!) to recover from the game. Maybe if he had a real coach who wasn't afraid of his players (to be fair they may have murdered in the past) he would come up with a game plan other than 'have our star scramble the entire time and get pancaked on at least 5 plays a game'.
Matt was right at the onset of this, I really dislike the Harbutt's even more after this week. John is worst because he's basically made his career on having above average quarterbacks and doing jack shit to make a difference otherwise. He has no offensive schemes to speak of in year 32(?) of his coaching in Baltimore.
The Chiefs pick should have been a cover even with my greedy alternate line but hey, that's gambling. I don't take any blame here though to be clear, it's still bullshit and they're out to get me.
What I do take blame for is believing in an interim coach turned full time and thinking he could somehow figure it out. The Raiders suck! They punted down 6 on 4th and 1 from the Chargers 1! That's the lamest shit EVER! They made Jim Harbutt's Chargers look somewhat alive and competent! Fuck!! Does anyone actually believe this rah rah shit out of Jim after the game? He's like a caricature brought to life and I hate it. I HATE THESE GUYS YO.
I look forward to the rest of the season when I can use my hatred for their overrated tired asses and craft even stupider parlays to dig me out of this hole.
❌ Lost $25.00
The Humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa Bet (+195)
Puka Nacua Any Time Touchdown ❌
Puka Nacua Over 73.5 Rec Yards ❌
Puka Nacua most days:
Puka when I bet him:
❌ Lost $25.00
The New York Jets +4.5
Straight Up ATS (-115)
This was truly a dispiriting loss. I think the Jets were shocked that Aaron wasn't immediately carted off and played scared the entire time as a result.
If you actually watched this game, this wasn't Aaron's fault at all. Receivers dropped multiple passes, they couldn't run the ball for shit, and most notably, their defense failed to stop the 49er's at all. Anything the Niners wanted, they got.
What's worse was that you could tell this game was a wrap after 5 minutes. Even with the Jets getting the first TD on the board, the momentum was clearly pressing harder and harder into the Jets chests until their hearts were ripped out and all of their effort amounted to nothing. Still, I watched every minute of it. Even with my hope dead on the grass.
They showed up. They knew they were going to lose.
They just had to go through the motions.
❌ Lost $50.00
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