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Kirk and Matt get $100 each per week and go head-to-head to see who can light the most money on fire betting the NFL this season.
Welcome back to another season of Oddball! Our weekly NFL gambling competition. The rules are simple:
We each get $100 to make NFL bets every week.
We must bet the entire $100.
We'll post our picks every Thursday and recap how we did every Tuesday.
We can only bet on stuff that will be resolved during the week (no futures).
Loser must drive to the State Diner in Ithaca, NY and eat a bowl of chicken and rice soup alone.
Any profit you make in a given week can be banked and used later. Any portion of the $100 that you don't lose, cannot be used later but does count towards your overall total for the season.
Now that the rules preamble is over, let's get to the picks and start enjoying another glorious 18 weeks of debauchery.
Matt's Picks
$100.00 available to bet this week +$0.00 last week +$0.00 for the season
Oh hell yeah! We're back for another fun season. I've been wearing my protective blue light glasses all week trying to prepare my eyeballs for a couple dozen hours of screen time starting with tonight's AFC Championship rematch. It's the most wonderful time of the year, so let's get right down to some dumb wagers.
6-Point Teaser (-134)
Colts +8.5
Giants +7.5
Of fucking COURSE we are starting things off with my favorite way to lose money. The tried-and-true teaser. What else did you really expect?
Leg one features the Colts as a short home underdog in a division matchup. I love taking home dogs in their own division and I'm really high on Anthony Richardson this year. Plus, all of the hype about the Texans and C.J. Stroud fits right into my contrarian strategy (and will piss off my Uncle Jack to no end). I'll take this spread up through a few key numbers and grab the Colts at +8.5
The second leg is probably a homer pick. But I just can't figure out why Sam Darnold is a road favorite against anyone in the league. Even the Giants! Look, I don't expect much out of my beloved Big Blue this year. But I think they are certainly going to be better than the Vikings (who, to me, are a legit candidate for worst record in the league). The Giants will have a solid pass rush powered by Brian Burns and Kayvon Thibodeaux on the edge and Dexter Lawrence up in the middle. That's a recipe for a classic Darnold meltdown game.
💰 $26.66 to win $20.00
Steelers +3.5
Straight Up ATS (-115)
Before I'm ready to anoint the Falcons as the 2024 Dream Team, I'm going to need to see Kurt Cousins actually play football. I'm not convinced he will be back to 100% after an achilles injury, and he wasn't the most spritely passer in the game to begin with. Mike Tomlin is 57-31-3 (64.3%) against the spread as an underdog. The Steelers underwhelmed literally everyone all preseason long, so this is a nice spot to go against the public (especially getting the extra half a point). Kyle Pitts is also on the injury report for the Falcons (fantasy owners are already groaning). An underrated wrinkle in this one: the Steelers signed former Falcon Cordarrelle Patterson. Maybe this is a revenge spot for him, given that the new kickoff rules will cause a lot more chaos in the return game. Let's back Mr. Unlimited!
💰 $23.00 to win $20.00
Cardinals +6.5
Straight Up ATS (-110)
This number is just way too high. Does anyone feel good about taking Buffalo in their knockout pools this week? Anyone? I didn't think so. The Cardinals offense will be good enough to keep up with the Bills, who lost Stefon Diggs and Gabe Davis in the offseason. While the Cardinals are definitely thin in the secondary, I don't think the Bills have the talent at receiver anymore to exploit that. The Cardinals will have a healthy Kyler Murray and two dynamic pass catchers in Marvin Harrison Jr. and Trey McBride. James Connor could also have a big day up the middle since Matt Milano is hurt for the Bills (again). I think this will be a close game, probably decided by a field goal. The spread just seems off to me.
💰 $22.00 to win $20.00
Same Game Parlay (+162)
Panthers +3.5 Derek Carr u1.5 passing touchdowns
I've been waiting all summer to fade Derek Carr and the moment has finally arrived.
Here's a good reminder to follow us on Threads for more wisdom like this.
💰 $22.00 to win $20.00
Patriots (ML)
Moneyline (+330)
As I said in our over/under preview, Joe Burrow's hair looks like Slim Shady and his wrist has been hacked up worse than the radio edit version of "Stan". Tyler Boyd and Joe Mixon are gone. Cam Sample is out for the year. Tee Higgins is pissed about getting franchise tagged and Ja'Marr Chase held out for the entire offseason, practicing for the first time yesterday. He still doesn't have a new contract and may or not take the field on Sunday. Zac Taylor also seems like he is not ready to leave the public pool for the summer. He's lost his first two games in four out of his five seasons as head coach, including an 0-11 start in 2019. The only year where this didn't happen was in 2021, but it took an overtime win to go 1-1.
Can the team with the league's lowest projected win total actually pull off the upset? Probably not. Would it be hilarious if Jacboy Brissett ruined everyone's knockout pool in Week 1? Definitely. I have to sprinkle a little taste here for fun.
💰 $8.34 to win $27.52
Booty Watch
Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin' everywhere! How is the best collegiate athlete of all time, General Booty, doing as the quarterback of the Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks? Awesome, of course. He opened up the season with a convincing 30-14 win (and cover) against Jackson State, with a Gardner Minshew-like 10-for-14 passing performance resulting in 104 yards and a touchdown. A superstar in the making!
Tyrod's Take
ay yo, what up ill crew? it's ya boy tyrod here to bring you my weekly segment where i tell ya which game this week reminds me of a tv program i watched on my microsoft surface while sittin on the bench. if ya missed my season preview, be sure to check that out. it won't disappear like kirk's baseball column after the mets win 7 in a row. anyways, everybody knows that my jets' monday night football matchup against the niners is like the super bowl, royal rumble, and seinfeld finale all rolled into one. i swear these cats callin into wfan on the radio all day long sound crazier than aaron hisself. but talmage is makin me be objective, so i gotta talk about a different game.
on friday night, the eagles and packers are headin down to south america to play in brazil. wtf? they've all been cautioned not to leave their hotel rooms and are gettin crazy police escorts to the practice field and shit to avoid all the crime in sao paulo. this is just like the pods they gotta hang out in on love is blind. i watched like three full seasons of that shit last year (i'm still shippin lauren and cameron) while my boy tommy cutlets was out there tearin it up for big blue. except in this case, there ain't gonna be any fine women on the other side. can't say the same about when me and my fellow hokies went to carnival for spring break 2010. that was some debaucherous shit. i drank a few too many caipirinhas and ended up butt naked on copacabana beach with a couple ladies of the night. i never found my wallet, but i did find true love.
anyways, imagine travelin for a game and not even bein able to go to the local hard rock cafe gift shop to add to your shot glass collection. what a disgrace! i better leave it there, 'cause otherwise big rog is gonna fine me and aaron already teases me enough about makin more than me. speakin of aaron, everybody please pray for his achilles this year. i got a few episodes of chimp crazy to catch up on and i really don't wanna have to go out there and throw passes until i find out what happens to tonka.
oh, and give me the packers +2 in this one. peace!
Kirk's Picks
$100.00 available to bet this week +$0.00 last week +$0.00 for the season
LET'S GO BABY FOOTBALL IS BACK!!
Me losing to Matt's soft ass bets from last year is but a distant memory.
All that matters is football.
And winning money. Mostly the money.
Can't stop, won't stop, Rockefeller records, cause we get down baby, we get down baby!
The Harbutt's Bet (+602)
Chiefs Alternate Spread -9.5, Raiders +3
Let me be the first to say, I'm tired of hearing about these Harbaugh brothers. It's like the uncle you dislike because he keeps fucking telling you about how it used to be so much better when he was growing up but really he's just a big old creepy scumbag who used to get away with shit before cell phones with cameras were a thing. You're a freak Uncle Tommy you fuck!
What I'm trying to say is can we stop putting these two dudes on a NFL pedestal? These dudes are consummate "football guys". What that really means is they don't suck enough to miss the playoffs but can't win the big one.
And guess what? The only time one of them won was when they had to stack the deck and go against one another in the 2013 Super Bowl. What a load of horseshit, AND I RESENT IT.
I guess the edge went to the team with the biggest murderer on the team.
Murderer of offenses of course.
I'm pushing this Chiefs/Ravens spread from -3 to -9.5 because a reckoning is due and I think the Chiefs have gotten even better. At least I can sleep at night with Mahomes being this inevitable force of football nature (also I bet all my Fan Duel balance on them to win the Super Bowl and thank the Football Gods it hit). Also Lamar got 'leaner' this offseason? Why? So when very large men crash into you it will somehow...hurt...less?
K.
I also like the Raiders this year to be feisty so I'll throw that +3 on this to sweeten the deal. Good luck with Herbert's bum foot Jim. At least you got your runners up prize at the M!
💰 $25.00 to win $150.71
The Humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa Bet (+195)
Puka Nacua Any Time Touchdown, Puka Nacua Over 73.5 Rec Yards
Puka Nacua may not have been born in Hawaii but his ancestry and more importantly, baller ass style of play, lets him lay claim to being the state's sporting figurehead.
After my own Birds I think I love both the Rams and Lions equally in the NFC. Both play fast paced exiting football. I didn't want to pick a team this week so why not throw some dollars on the man I think will be the best WR this season?
💰 $25.00 to win $48.98
The New York Jets +4.5
Straight Up ATS (-115)
While I may disagree with almost everything this loon may say, but fuck, A Rod can ball.
This team is stacked and as long as old man conspiracy theory can keep his legs from exploding they are going to go deep into the playoffs.
I truly think this is going to be a statement game from the Jets and a catharsis for all of last years bad Karma. Plus the Niners will be dealing with their own mojo issues. Super Bowl hangover and what 'could' have been.
(Side note my wife was doing a fantasy draft tonight and skipped Breece Hall for Ja'Marr Chase even with Burrows limp ass wrist. Wtf you guys, this has got to be a sign, Breece Hall +200 Yards and +3 TD's.)
💰 $50.00 to win $43.48
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!
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