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Kirk lost the regular season contest and now needs to eat an Applebee's well-done steak. But there's still some football to be played, so here are some picks just for funzies.
The Divisional Round is upon us and I'd just like to thank the NFL Marketing Department for not attempting to rebrand this as the Super Divisional Round. I refuse to ever call Wild Card weekend Super Wild Card Weekend. I resent it, them, and any stooge who attempts to make that stick!
As with last week we're going to record our picks against the spread for every game this postseason and see who does better (bragging rights and maybe some side bets to be wagered).
I was also dissatisfied with our bonus profits last week so I am going to get Matt to throw the kitchen sink at this week.
Matt's Picks
5-1 this post season 5-1 last week
Texans +9.5
This number has been bouncing around, but I did just get the 9.5 on FanDuel so Kirk can't accuse me of cheating. C.J. Stroud on the road and in the cold is definitely a concern here, but I still think this is too many points. Lamar Jackson has yet to prove it in the playoffs, and until he does, we have to fade him. He's 1-6 ATS on 12+ days rest and 1-8 ATS as a favorite of 7 or more. I could go on, but the long and short of it is that he is bad at covering as a big home favorite. I think the Ravens will get the W, but the Texans are not going to roll over. The back door will be wide open in this one. Give me the points.
49ers -9.5
How are the Packers going to stop the 49ers offense in this one? Even in a complete beat down of the Cowboys, they allowed 32 points. Garbage time or not, it shouldn't be that easy to move the ball against a legit playoff team. I could get burned here and Jordan Love's hot streak could be enough to keep the Packers close, but I don't see it. This is a team who allowed 30 points to the Panthers and 34 to the Bucs not even a month ago. The 49ers will win this one going away.
Bucs +6.5
This line is pretty perfect. It made me hesitate and second guess myself for a long time today before I locked in the Bucs. Similar to how they attacked the Eagles, the Bucs defense is going to blitz like crazy against Goof/Goff. I could definitely see him having a tough day and making more mistakes than he did last week. The Lions are stout against the run, which took away a lot of what the Rams wanted to do with Kyren Williams. The Bucs don't really care about running. Everything is going to be running through Baker in the air to Evans and Godwin. The Lions secondary is sub-par and should allow enough chances for Baker to keep pace in this one. I don't love it, but I'll take the points.
Bills -2.5
I've talked before about how the Chiefs have grown to be my second-favorite team. Their playoff success over the past few years has been exciting and profitable. I love the idea of an undervalued KC team making a run to defend their title. I love the narrative of Travis Kelce proposing to Mother at the 50-yard line after winning the Lombardi Trophy and riding off into the sunset. But that's not how sports work. This Chiefs team is broken. Their only victories against playoff teams this season came against Miami (twice). The Bills and Josh Allen are heating up at the right time (undefeated since Sean McDermott apologized for praising the 9/11 hijackers). Sometimes, you have to bet with your head and not your heart. This is one of those times.
Kirk's Picks
2-4 this post season 2-4 last week
Ravens -9.0
First off, I've actually checked the weather for each game where applicable this week. I don't want to get pwn'd like I did in week 18 with the shitty Steelers. It'll be cold and cloudy in Baltimore this week. Looking at it the Texans have only won 3 games outside this year! They've beat the Jags, Titans, and Bengals. Not exactly juggernauts this year. In outdoor games they've lost it was to the Ravens 25-9, Panthers (PANTHERS) 15-13, and the Jets (THE JETS!) 30-6. Easier way to say that was they are 3-3 in outdoor games this year. They've won only one cold climate game against the Bengals. With temperatures in the 20's this week in Baltimore, hammer the Ravens!
Packers +9.0
This is a spite pick, something about the 49er's really rubs me the wrong way. I think it's my sense that Shannanahanana carries himself like a Super Bowl winning coach when he hasn't won squat. I have no real idea how this game will go. When in doubt, take the points!
Lions -6.5
You had your fun Bucs and took out the miserable Eagles, congrats! You did nothing! I'm so happy the remainder of the playoffs I can just sit back and watch football without the pain of watching the Birds trip on their dicks up and down the field. For this game I thought the Lions D showed up and was monstrous against a solid Rams offense last week. I think with their offensive strength and a home playoff game here, I'll lay the points.
Bills -3.0
Another spite pick, but I'm tired of seeing Patrick Mahomes flick his throwing hand fingers all around after every single play. I don't know why he does it, I'm sure it's for some reason, but man, does it make me irrationally angry. Having two out of four picks be spite picks is not healthy by the way. I am aware of that. I guess I'll spin zone it as my brother in law is a Bills fan and I'd like to see him happy for once. Besides marrying my sister of course. Why can't we get a Bills/Lions Super Bowl? At least one city of misery would find satisfaction.
Uncle Jack's Front Lawn
$100.00 wagered $92.45 won +$92.45 this postseason
Well, here I am again kids. An old man showing the snowflake generation how it's done. Matt said I could put my picks in again since last week I was so profitable. But I had to fax them over because I lost the Post-It note with my email password written on it and he won't log me into the website editor because when I get frustrated I just click around and break things.
Speaking of breaking things, American hero T.J. Shroud is ready to break the spirit of the city of Baltimore. Actually he's not. My radio programs said the drugs and crime there already broke everything.
Later in the evening, Jeremiah Love's smooth jazz won't be enough to lull San Fran-woke-o to sleep. Bill Purdy's offensive firepower will be enough to win (unless the libs decide to ban those weapons, too). Those games will be fun and all, but I'm counting the hours until Sunday afternoon. I can't wait to see horrific cyberbully and disgraceful human Jared Goof get cemented into the turf by the Bucks. The Bucks are going to blitz the crud out of him and he deserves it. I just hope Blake Mayfield could lay off the hamburgers a little bit this week. If he has the stamina, it should be a decent night. Hey! That's exactly what Matt's wife will be saying this weekend too.
Finally, we'll cap off the weekend by pitting the #3 and #6 quarterbacks from my power rankings against each other. This should be a great matchup. Just like Mahoney's dad, I'm going to drink eight or nine Coors Lights during the game. Let's see if Kyle Allen can continue his amazing streak of not throwing a pick in the last 100 or so minutes of game time. If he plays good and remembers his lucky bottle of Hidden Valley then the Bills could finally get over the hump.
Unlike the two idiots who write on here, I'm not betting my whole stack from last week. Just another even $100 to make a few more units. If I win again this week, I'm taking Susie to Texas Roadhouse for the Conference Championships. I'll get her a diet soda, but no cactus blossom this time. She farted up the car too bad last time. Anyway, here are the winning picks.
Texans ML — $10.00 to win $38.00 Texans +9.5 — $10.00 to win $9.09 Shroud o2.5 passing TDs — $10.00 to win $58.00 49ers -9.5 — $10.00 to win $8.93 49ers o30.5 team points — $10.00 to win $8.62 Bucks ML — $10.00 to win $24.00 Goof u272.5 passing — $10.00 to win $8.77 Goof o0.5 interceptions — $10.00 to win $8.20 KC/BUF o45.5 points — $10.00 to win $9.09 Allen & Mahoney both score a rushing TD — $10.00 to win $110.50
Bonus Picks
$100.00 available to bet this week +$22.00 last week +$1,058.69 for the regular season
The big fellas hated winning last week, so he wanted to take bigger risks this week. I think we accomplished that here.
Any Time Touchdown Parlay (+6232)
Singletary (HOU) Samuel (SF) St. Brown (DET) Godwin (TB) Rice (KC)
Hey, it could happen.
💰 $50.00 to win $3116.27
49ers -20.5
Adjusted point spread (+300)
Blow out potential against the Packers crappy defense.
💰 $50.00 to win $150.00
There Will Be Overtime
In Kansas City / Buffalo (+1160)
We root for fun around here, and this certainly would be fun.
💰 $50.00 to win $580.00
Any Time Touchdown Parlay (+1081)
Allen (BUF) Mahomes (KC)
Allen rushing touchdowns are nothing too unusual, but let's pair it with a Patrick Mahomes scamper to really up the odds. Stole this one from Uncle Jack's handwritten fax of prop bets, but every now and then that maniac has a good idea.
💰 $50.00 to win $540.98
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!
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