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Matt lost the regular season contest and now needs to take a pointless boring drive to Ithaca. But there's still some football to be played, so here are some picks just for funzies.
We're down to the final four! The conference championships are here and football season is disappearing faster than American democracy. Even though Matt lost the regular season contest in epic fashion, we're still going to pick the playoff games against the spread for pride, bragging rights, and something to keep us from opening Apple News alerts and sobbing every 15 minutes.
We'll also give you some weird Bonus Bets that we're teaming up on and track how we do with those. Enjoy the games!
Matt's Recap
7-3 this postseason
Of course I had a nice 4-0 week when we're just making the picks for fun. Although, I did make a little gas money for my Ithaca trip by betting the Commanders money line, but was disappointed to see my Rams futures go up in flames. Can't have it all!
Won | Chiefs -8.5
I'm truly sorry to anyone who had the Chiefs laying 9.5. That was some bullshit. I'm also truly sorry to anyone who is still crying about the refs in this game. You want to beat the Chiefs? Don't give up 8 sacks, miss 2 field goals, shank an extra point, and turn the ball over on downs at your own 44 yard line. Amateur hour.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
Watching the Texnas try to block is like reliving the Carter admin. No accountability from anyone. Plus, the refs are rigging this worse than the slot machines in the Vegas airport. Back in my day u could smoke at the gate without crapping away all of ur hard earned money on Pharaoh’s Fortune and u sure as heck were allowed to breath on the quarterback without getting a lousy 15-yard penalty. These refs are handing the Chiefs more freebies than AOC wants to give out to all the lazy hobos sleeping on the sidewalk. Even American heros like Shroud can't win when the deck is stacked by these socialist zebras!
Won | Commanders +8.5
Man, what a game! I'm happy I got to watch it and I'm super happy I decided to nut up and bet the Commanders to win outright. But I can't help but feeling a bit sad for soundbite king Dan Campbell who got his entire staff pilfered away from him mere seconds after the final whistle. Best of luck to Ben Johnson on the Bears and Aaron Glenn on the Jets. Nothing bad has ever happened to the head coaches of those storied franchises. Lol.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
I told u that Goof was a fraud. I knew it from the second I read that national enquirer piece about him being the brains behind the Nigerian prince scam. All his Lions teammates have had enough of his nonsense like when he brings a space heater into the bathroom stall and heats up his poops for everyone to smell. What a creep. Losses like this are what u get when u cyberbully a fellow student so bad she has to quit college and go to cosmetology school. did u sign that petition i sent u about getting him placed on the commissioner's exempt list yet?
Won | Rams +6.5
This game felt so over when Saquon took it to the house late in the 4th quarter to extend the Eagles lead. But a missed PAT and disinterested prevent defense from Philly opened the backdoor up so wide for Stafford that he almost won the damn thing outright. I'll settle for the cover, but this would have been an all-time choke job from Jalen & Co. if they somehow did end up blowing it.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
Hope Nick siragami brought his kids to the game so he can use them as human shields at the press conference after he blows this. jared Hertz aka black BO Nixon looks like tony from the plant hobbling around after a shift at the plant sipping dewars in the break room. Who could blame him after what Goof did 2 his niece?
Won | Bills +1.5
This will be known as the Mark Andrews game going forward. And let it be known that I've hated Mark Andrews ever since a waiver wire disagreement involving him got me banned from a fantasy football league for life. I've officially signed an NDA about that story though, so you'll have to use your imagination. Either way, I'm happy for Josh Allen but this one has to really sting for Lamar. Despite a pick and a fumble, he was the reason the Ravens were able to fight back in this one and he probably deserved better.
Text I got from Uncle Jack:
How do I order buffalo wings on this DoorDart app? Ur cousin won't help me unless I get the vagan ones and last time I checked, hell hadn't frozen over yet.
Uncle Jack's Recap
Tallying up Uncle Jack's profits from last week's post.
Texans ML | LOST $30.00 TJ Shroud 3+ touchdowns | LOST $30.00 TJ Shroud more passing yards than Patrick Mahoney | WON $37.50 Jason Daniels to win, rush for a TD, and pass a TD | LOST $30.00 Jared Goof to throw a pick | WON $36.00 Jared Goof under 270.5 passing yards | LOST $30.00
Under 43.5 in Eagles/Rams game | LOST $30.00 Cooper Flagg under 42.5 receiving yards | LOST $30.00 Rams to win the 1st quarter | LOST $30.00
Over 51.5 in Bills/Ravens game | WON $28.57 Texans Commanders MLP | LOST $30.00 Texans Commanders Rams MLP | LOST $3.29
Kyle Allen & Lavar Jackson to combine for 7+ passing and rushing TDs | LOST $30.00 Bet $363.29 / Lost $171.22
Jack blames the border and eggs for his poor performance.
Kirk's Recap
6-4 this postseason
Turns out I'm not that great at playoff bets. Turns out I can't turn off my emotions.
Oh yeah, I'm also counting the Chiefs internally as a loss as they needed a last minute blocked FG to cover the -8.5 alongside their other shenanigans Matt covered above.
Won | Chiefs -8.5
I used all my karma for this game as this was the only game I actually bet on this week. I laid 5 units down and proceeded to think it was toast multiple times. Now I'm sure the universe will punish me by balancing the scales and having these fuckers win yet another Super Bowl. I really hate these guys.
Lost | Lions -8.5
The Lions injuries on defense caught up to them. A great season where they just didn't have anyone healthy to stop an 'explosive' Commanders offense. I feel bad for Dan Campbell and the exodus of his coaching staff but I think he'll be alright.
Unlike the Commanders who so clearly blew their load emotionally that they will get stomped 45-10 by the Eagles this Sunday.
Lost | Eagles -6.5
Won | Bills +1.5
Bonus Recap
$400.00 bet last week +$430.00 won last week +$470.00 for the playoffs
The Way Too Obvious Teaser (-120)
Chiefs -2.5 Bills +7.5
Obvious, yet effective. How come these never came easily in the regular season? Oh... because I was always teasing lousy quarterbacks like Will Levis up to 8.5 against the Jaguars instead of finding good teams to trust? I guess that makes sense.
✅ Won $200.00
Playoff Lamar Parlay (+500)
Bills ML ✅
Lamar Jackson under 53.5 rushing yards ✅
Lamar Jackson under 222.5 passing yards ❌
Ah... we almost had this one. Lamar was firmly under both totals until the last drive of the game, where he was forced to air it out and try to complete the comeback. I guess this probably didn't deserve to hit since he was pretty solid. But still!
❌ Lost $60.00
Field Goal Special (+290)
All 8 teams to kick at least 1 field goal ✅
Nice. Even the corpse of Justin Tucker and the fragile psyche of Jake Elliott got at least one through the uprights. Betting on mediocrity is so much fun. Why do you think I take Tomlin and the Steelers every week?
✅ Won $290.00
Matt's Picks
7-3 this postseason
Since there are only three NFL games left this season, I knew we needed to do something special for this week's picks. So I invited in the newest leaders of our great nation to offer their perspective on these games.
Commanders +6.5
Chiefs -1.5
Kirk's Picks
6-4 this postseason
I'm gonna root with my heart. I'm probably gonna get stomped in the heart, but you know, that's life.
Eagles -6.5
I've got to believe that at some point this season, the Eagles are going to play a complete game and put an opponent away. They have all the tools, they just need to commit and ground and pound the Commanders back into their speed trap infested bullshit maze of roads and thoroughfares.
Run the ball, get pressure on Jayden with 4 against a weakened Washington O line, finish the job.
Bills +1.5
The bet is simple. I can't stand Patrick Mahomes. I don't know if the difference between him and Tom Brady is that his bitching and whining is all in 4K now or what, but he's intolerable. Calling for flags and flopping is karmically as bad as it gets. Surely now The Football Gods will mete out righteous justice courtesy of one of the most cursed franchise's ever. I've had it with this Kermit the Frog mother fucker! And fuck you State Farm!
Bonus Bets
Whatever the fuck we want to bet this week! +$430.00 won last week +$470.00 for the playoffs
We're not very aligned this week for obvious reasons (Kirk's late-in-life transition to become an Eagles fan). So here's a couple things we actually could agree on. We're going a bit lighter than we have been though. Be careful out there!
The Young Guns Parlay (+1200)
Keon Coleman any time touchdown Xavier Worthy any time touchdown
💰 $100.00 to win $1200.00
The "I'm Just Rooting For Greatness" Bet (+250)
Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes to combine for over 549.5 passing yards
I mean, what's better than watching these two go at it on a freezing cold Sunday in January? This is a fun little prop that lets us sit back, relax, and enjoy the game. We definitely won't be yelling or throwing the remote. Our wives made us promise.
💰 $100.00 to win $250.00
Uncle Jack's Bets
$100.00 available to bet this week -$171.22 lost last week +$92.07 for the playoffs
We all have bad weeks, even American heroes like TJ Shroud. Here are my bounce-back selections for the championship games.
Jason Daniels over 299.5 yards passing | $10.00 to win $50.00
Jared Hertz under 31.5 yards rushing | $10.00 to win $8.33
Commandos to win 1H & Commandos ML | $10.00 to win $55.00
Terry McCready any time touchdown | $10.00 to win $13.00
Saquon Broccoli longest rush under 25.5 yards | $10.00 to win $8.70
Kyle Allen 325+ combined passing and rushing yards | $10.00 to win $22.50
Harrison Butkus 2+ field goals | $10.00 to win $8.33
Patrick Mahoney under 36.5 passing attempts | $10.00 to win $9.09
Bills/Chiefs game goes to overtime | $10.00 to win $140.00
Either Trevor Kelce or Halal Shakir to have 100+ receiving yards | $10.00 to win $17.00
Reminder to send your comments, questions, and general mockery to hello@illandodd.com and we'll respond if we feel like it!