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The naked truth about the 6th president.
If you’ve ever had the urge to shed your trousers and go swimming in a frigid body of water, you’ve got a lot in common with today’s Odd Person. John Quincy Adams was the 6th president and a huge fan of skinny dipping in the Potomac River every morning. However, quite unlike most flabby old men, Adams wasn’t very talkative while toweling off. He mostly kept to himself during his sunrise sidestroke, contemplating complex legislative issues and enjoying the time away from his overbearing wife. That dam of silence finally broke one morning when reporter Anne Royall stole Adams' clothes while he was in the river and refused to give them back until he participated in an interview. Today, for the first time, the Ill & Odd Historical Society brings you the full-frontal, bare chested transcript of that disrobed dialogue — finally exposed for the world to see.
This is the naked truth about JQA.
Excuse me, Mr. President. May I have a word?
Hey, ya kiddin' me right now? Where's my pants, huh? I come out here for a bit of a dip and you're pullin' this on me? Listen, lady, I ain't gots all day. The whole country's waitin' on me to talc up these here baked beans and gets back to the Oval. It's Infrastructure Week for chrissakes! I already gots the Teamsters on my butt, I don't need Jack Frost on there too. So quit stealin' my trousers like that lyin' sack of shit Monroe stole my Doctrine. What the hell do ya want anyways, missy?
I'll give you your clothes back in just a few minutes. But first I was hoping to ask you a few questions. First of all, what do you have to say to your constituents in the south who assert that your anti-slavery policies will hurt them economically?
Who's puttin' ya up to this anyways? Is it that Jabroni Jackson again? Look, honey, it's simple ain't it? Slavery's a scourge, a real black mark on the heart of this land. Ever since I starred in that movie Amistad, it's been crystal clear to me. Ya can't be boastin' about freedom and liberty while you're keepin' folks chained up. It's like goin' to see the Sox and not chowin' down on a Fenway Frank. It's un-American. I says, if we're truly the land of the free, then let's live up to it, all the way, for everyone — even Malarkey Master Monroe. No half measures, no lookin' the other way. We clear the bases just like Manny on an October evenin'. That's the American way.
But what about your critics who say you have no mandate to govern, since you didn't even win the popular vote?
Oh darlin', popular schmopular. Ya think I ain't awares? It's like winnin' the World Series because of an error at first base. Not that my Sox will ever know anythin' about that kinda nonsense, sure-handed as they are and all. So sure, I didn't snag the popular vote, ended up winnin' through what ya might call a Congressional curveball. But hey, I'm here, ain't I? Gonna govern like I gots a full count with the bases loaded. And let's not forget, this whole gig ain't just about who gots the most fans cheerin' 'em on. It's about hittin' home runs for the people, even if half the stadium's booing. So to my critics, I says, watch me swing. I might not steal like Myth Monger Monroe. But I can hit, sweetheart. I promise ya that much.
Sir, maybe I can grab you a robe or something after all? It might be good if you covered that up...
What, this ol' thing? Sugar, when ya gets to be my age you're just thankful it hasn't fallen off yet. Did ya know I was the first president ever to be photographed? Sure was. Goofball sets his whole rigmarole up right here in this very spot and starts snappin' before I could even towel off. Poor guy had a hard time tellin' the difference between me and his tripod. I tell ya, he wouldn't gots that problem with Minuscule Member Monroe that's for sure.
Very interesting. Well speaking of the family jewels, do you think there will be more "presidential families" in the future — that is, sons following in their father's footsteps to the White House?
Sure, it's like a Boston tradition. Passin' down those season tickets up on the Monster from one generation to the next. I'll tell ya what though, missy, after the job I do, the next fella who comes in here after his pops will be revered. I'm talkin' one of the most respected presidents in history. He'll certainly win the popular vote. None of this electoral college shenanigans I gots to deal with. I'd expect with all that experience, he'd keep us out of the bush of meaningless wars and be one of the nation's great orators — much better than Marble Mouth Monroe.
Wow, that sounds really promising. We'll have to see how history plays out on that one. How do you think your negotiation to acquire Florida from the Spanish will influence future elections?
Ah, that ain't gonna matter one iota. 'Specially if it's the son of a former president runnin' like we talked about? He'd be a shoo-in! What's a couple more electoral votes gonna matter anyways? Speakin' of Florida, ya look like the investigative type. I'm sure you've heard the murmurs about the pet alligator I picked up down there. Well, believe 'em, toots! The whole thing actually started as a bribe from Jabroni Jackson who wanted me to stick up for him after he went berserk on all those Seminoles. Can ya believe that? He was textin' me all night on WhatsApp after it all went down. That moron actually believes Zuck keeps those messages encrypted. But anyways, I told him that I'd always been more partial to the Gators than the Seminoles. So the dope goes and buys me an actual reptile. I thought about putting it in Master of Misinformation Monroe's bed to give him a bit of scare. But one night me and Henry Clay had a few drinks and played with it in the swimming pool. He actually looked pretty cute dodgin' all of Kennedy's soiled trunks and spent bottles of massage oil. I named him Fiddle Faddle and, accordin' to the White House cooks, he eats more raw chicken every day than all of the former presidents combined. Except Washington. The wood teeth helped him get through at least a few pounds per day. Pretty cool, ain't it?
Well, he sounds like a great companion. It must get pretty lonely as you head into a highly competitive campaign for re-election. How would you rate your chances?
A second term? It's in the bag. The only thing I'm more sure of is the Sox winnin' the Series a whole bunch over the next century. Jabroni Jackson may gots all the cool southern friends with their 10,000 TikTok followers and name-brand powdered wigs. But I actually gets things done for the people. Civil Rights? Never been better. All those rumblings about secedin' from the union gots less truth to 'em than Mister Mendacious Monroe. And don't gets me started on foreign policy. I gots plans. Big plans. We'll broker peace with England so solid, they'll be givin' us Canada as a gesture of goodwill. And Texas? They'll be askin' to join us by Christmas. Just you watch.
What are some legislative priorities you'll be pushing for if re-elected?
We gots to make sure our priorities are focused on buildin' a stronger, more inclusive America that works for every citizen. First off, we gots to protect our democracy. The misinformation propagated by Nicholas I of Russia and his allies on 4Chan has been unacceptable. They says I gots a private email server that proves I blackmailed Henry Clay with a pee tape. It's horseshit! If I gots to heed nature's call, I do it right here in the Potomac. And the Jacksonians are threatin' to storm the Capitol if they don't win? Completely un-American! Imagine the Yankees knockin' down the Green Monster after Pedro strikes 'em out again? Sore losers, every one of 'em. Second, we gots to reform and expand the Affordable Care Act. I want a country where nobody gots to work a second job to pay for their laudanum prescription. We gots kids dyin' of dysentery because their parents don't gots enough in their FSAs to buy a jar full of leeches. It's just not right. The scientists in our great nation found many groundbreaking medical solutions this year, such as using mercury to cure syphilis and constipation. 100% safe and effective. We gots to make policies that will drive promisin' solutions like this going forward. And third, we gots to improve the infrastructure in this country. It's fallin' apart. We gots to figure out a high-speed Transcontinental Railroad powered by reliable, green energy. I'm talkin' about makin' travel and trade as smooth as a Sam Adams — my second cousin once removed, by the way — on a hot July day. The Erie Canal's just the start; we gonna gets canals and roads stretchin' out like spokes on a wheel, connectin' the big cities to the smallest towns. Ports, too. We gots to beef up our ports to handle more ships, makin' sure Boston, New York, Philly, and all the big players can take in more of those fancy telegraph devices Apple has been puttin' together in the Orient. And let's not forget the lighthouses. Safety first, am I right? We'll light up our coasts like Lansdowne Street after a World Series win, guidin' every ship home safe and sound. We're buildin' an America that's connected, from sea to shinin' sea, ready to take on the world like a champ. That's the Adams way, the American way. And with more elbow grease and less losers like Jabroni Jackson, we're sure to succeed.
Great, I'm sure the American people will appreciate that summation of your platform. Anything else to add before we wrap up?
Yes. James Monroe is a liar and a thief.
Are you sure you want that on the record?
Does my third nip gets hard in the cold?
Point taken. I'll print it. That's all of the questions I have for you this morning, Mr. President. Here are your clothes. You can get dressed now.
I'd rather not.