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10 tips for a more productive and less anxious 2024
Last year, I reduced my panic attacks from 363 to just 342. That's a whopping 5.7% reduction in crippling anxiety year-over-year. Along the way, I learned lots of valuable lessons that I will pass along to you, loyal reader, so that you can make 2024 the best year of your overwhelmingly average life.
1. Wake up at 4:00 AM
Scientific studies continuously debunk sleep’s overall contribution to physical and mental health. Getting up in the eerie silence of pre-dawn is statistically linked to rising levels of aggression and increased blood pressure — two things you’ll need in droves if you hope to crush your goals with maximum efficiency.
2. Cut out those $9 lattes
By waking up early, you’ll have plenty of time to grind your fair trade beans by hand, boil a kettle of premium distilled water, and make the perfect cup of pour-over coffee with your Chemex. Your children will wait patiently, transfixed by the advanced chemistry unfolding on the kitchen counter — and to their own benefit, as financial experts agree that overpriced flat whites are the biggest known detriment to 529 savings accounts.
3. Meditate every morning at sunrise
Achieving Zen enlightenment is just a matter of wrestling back control of your spiraling thoughts and negative self-talk. By going to war with your own mind each morning for 30 minutes, you’ll learn to berate your runaway imagination into submission. Once again, your children will wait patiently, aided by the dulcet tones of Cocomelon which latch lovingly onto your frontal lobe and ease you gently into a state of relaxation and mental clarity.
4. Begin journaling
Or better yet, start a website that you shamelessly promote to your friends and family. It’s a fantastic way to process your complicated feelings around parenthood, pharmacies, and NFL officiating. Your current and future employers will admire your transparency, and the slow trickle of supplemental income will never be high enough to warrant any tax implications.
5. Become a workout warrior
There are no more valid excuses for skipping a gym sesh. Your early morning alarm clock leaves plenty of time to squeeze in a workout between breakfast, daycare drop-off, and your daily Zoom check-in with the engineering team in Romania. And if you’re lacking motivation, your successful website can easily cover a super-reasonable $48 per day for an Equinox membership and a weekly personal trainer.
6. Eat three nutritious home-cooked meals per day
Your body is a complicated engine that needs the proper fuel in order to achieve peak performance. Do not be swayed by the comfort or convenience of a takeout dinner after a long and grueling day at the office. A single, solitary moment of joy in an otherwise underwhelming, existentially boring evening will not be found between the buns of an umami-packed cheeseburger, at the bottom of a luscious bowl of pasta, or wrapped in the foil of a piquant burrito. Do not listen to your inner demons. True satiation and happiness can (and should) be found in your bowl of boiled legumes and kale.
7. Lay off the sauce
Your body is a sensitive ecosystem that needs the proper hydration in order to achieve optimal results. Do not be swayed by the intoxicating relief of a stiff cocktail after a long and grueling day at the playground. A single, solitary moment of calm in an otherwise unrelenting, ceaselessly overstimulating evening will not be found in a cold bottle of an American pilsner, at the bottom of a stemmed glass full of fruit-forward Oregon pinot noir, or served over ice in a smoky mezcal margarita. Do not listen to your inner demons. True deliverance and bliss can (and should) be found in your hot mug of sleepytime tea.
8. Devour non-stop non-fiction
Did you know that all of the world’s great academics and compelling podcast guests are published authors? You can learn to handle public relations like Elon, negotiate like Donald, do forensics like OJ, and get exploited like Britney — all from the comfort of your own home. For best results, I recommend reading about two 300-page books per day, but I understand that your personal and professional demands might not always allow for that much time to fully immerse yourself in the material. To those weak-willed troglodytes, may I suggest upping your Audible playback speed to 13x and chugging a second cup of delicious home-brewed arabica?
9. Expand your professional network
Remember — a stranger is just a high-powered executive that you haven’t sent a cold InMail to yet. If you want to command a seven-figure salary someday, you need to put yourself out there. We recommend logging on to LinkedIn every 5.5 hours (set an alarm) and blasting through at least 100 connection requests, 3 humble brags, and 1 blog post that starts, “Life is crazy! I quit my 9-5 job, made $400k in profit, scaled 3 companies, and trained over 350 sales professionals this summer (all from the beach in Costa Rica). Here’s what I learned…”
10. Open a high-yield savings account
One benefit of inflation driving up the cost of everyday goods is higher interest rates. All it takes is saving $2739 per day to become a millionaire this very year. Still not adding up? Cut some discretionary spending like avocado toast, fun with friends, owning a home, or childcare. You can totally work with the little ones at home. They just need a bit of firm, yet loving, structure to regulate their emotions. If you’re still not making ends meet, lock them (lovingly) in the closet and try a side-hustle like driving an Uber, picking up a bartending shift, or inheriting a successful commercial roofing business from your grandfather. Your financial success is limited only by your imagination and the soul-sucking corporations that lobby Washington to suppress wages, cut regulations, ship jobs overseas, and then blame inflation. But all of that whining won’t get you anywhere, snowflake, so you better hope your passive income stream has generated at least $1.90 since you began reading this sentence. If not, you’re behind already! You better load up and tail our Oddball bonus bets.
Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2024. Be sure to connect with me on LinkedIn for more personal growth best practices, healthy macros, and financial KPIs.