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Our esteemed food and wine editors handpick the gourmet canned cocktails and hard seltzers they are loving lately.
We have discerning tastes here at Ill Eats. We love gourmet meals, luxurious nightlife, and reaching for the top shelf. But we also like convenience. So today we'll dive into the ready-to-drink cocktail and hard seltzer craze that has been sweeping the culinary nation and share with you a six-pack of delicious beverages to sample at your leisure.
Just please, folks, leave your koozies at home.
1) Flavortown Spiked Fruit Punch
Why you should try it:
Because when is the last time your beverage tasted like Limp Bizkit sounds?
Pairs well with:
Donkey sauce, trashcan nachos, Lloyd's pulled pork.
Perfect occasions to drink it:
Oprah was seen chugging one at the Wildlife Conservation Society Gala over the holidays. We'd suggest dialing it down with a romantic date night to the bowling alley.
Sommelier tasting notes:
The bouquet is an exuberant explosion of fruit aromas. Dominant notes of overripe strawberries and discarded cherry pits come to the forefront, underpinned by a subtle hint of Coppertone Water Babies. The overall impression is one of a chaotic fruit medley, evoking memories of childhood abandonment at the public pool.
2) Cafe Agave Spiked Cold Brew Coffee
Why you should try it:
Because, if you really think about it, those decisions you made while drinking Four Loko weren't all that bad.
Pairs well with:
Life cereal, Camel Lights, Magnolia Bakery almond biscotti.
Perfect occasions to drink it:
When he stays in Venice, Leonardo DiCaprio orders one every morning at Caffè Florian in Piazza San Marco. Our editors also found that it makes great company at early morning youth soccer games.
Sommelier tasting notes:
The aroma is intense and miasmic, offering a unique bouquet of freshly ground coffee beans strewn across a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop bathroom. There are notes of dark chocolate and pickled oak, coupled with a hint of vanilla pudding and a subtle sourness that astonishes the senses. The overall impression is one of depth and wet mulch, hinting at the robust mouthfeel to come.
3) White Claw 0% Alcohol
Why you should try it:
Because not all of us are fancy enough for a Pellegrino.
Pairs well with:
Pizza with no cheese, scooped out bagels, vodka.
Perfect occasions to drink it:
Lately, it has become the beverage of choice in the silent disco scene. Idris Elba even fashioned a custom headphone helmet that allows him to enjoy four cans at a time through a complex network of crazy straws. You could also enjoy one anywhere you might ordinarily consume water.
Sommelier tasting notes:
The bouquet is unassumingly modest, with a delicate hint of vintage municipal pipes and a whisper of reservoir terroir. It subtly teases the olfactory senses with the faintest trace of a chlorine bouquet, reminiscent of your second grade swim instructor who was tragically kidnapped. A crisp texture mingles with a nostalgic, earthy petrichor.
4) Buzzballz Choc Tease
Why you should try it:
Because, let's face it, nobody should have to drink a milkshake while sober.
Pairs well with:
Traditional Oaxacan molé, organic raspberries, Reese's Pieces.
Perfect occasions to drink it:
Our editors found it to be the perfect digestif to conclude our recent tasting menu at Eleven Madison Park. If you couldn't snag a reservation this month, try cracking one open at a weekday matinee screening of The Color Purple.
Sommelier tasting notes:
Upon opening, one is greeted with the nostalgic aroma of a Trick-or-Treat bag being left out in the Indian Summer sun. After twenty minutes in a decanter, underlying notes of paroled carnival worker and off-brand oat milk begin to develop, creating a bouquet that leaves the observer mystified and slightly horny.
5) Cutwater Piña Colada
Why you should try it:
Because you haven't thrown up in public since college, and yet you feel the relentless river of time flow onward as the sparkling vibrancy of your youth fades into sepia tones of nostalgia.
Pairs well with:
Duck liver pate, oysters on the half shell, turkey sandwich you dropped in the sand.
Perfect occasions to drink it:
Martha Stewart suggests shotgunning one every 45 minutes while lying on your daybed in San Tropez. Our recommendation? Take a handful of Tums, fill up your cooler, and head to the wave pool at the closest indoor waterpark to you. Leave the kids in the car.
Sommelier tasting notes:
The aroma is a heady mix of fermented, sun-kissed pineapple and lukewarm coconut curry, transporting one to the back alleys of Bangkok with a single whiff. Hints of rum underlie the primary scents, adding notes of caramelized bologna, unwashed pirate beard, and the low tides of distant shores.
6) Bud Light Lime-a-rita
Why you should try it:
Because your niece with diabetes is getting all the attention and you're feeling kind of left out.
Pairs well with:
Commissary pretzel rods, French bistro classics (think steak au poivre), jalapeño poppers.
Perfect occasions to drink it:
Definitely NOT in the backroom of a Spencer's Gifts with your younger cousin who is a cashier there. And certainly not before the subsequent court hearing where you plead no contest to your charges of trespassing and disorderly conduct. Anheuser-Busch is not responsible for the fact that you refused to wear a shirt. You just thought the blacklight paint looked really cool on your bare chest and still aren't sure why the other mall patrons didn't agree. You probably should have just called it a day after the sixer you funneled at the food court Taco Bell, but hey, it's a fiesta forever state of mind.
Sommelier tasting notes:
Upon cracking the can, one is greeted with a lively, effervescent glow, reminiscent of a neon vacancy sign atop a two-star motel. Its color is a playful greenish-yellow, capturing the artificial essence of key lime pie in all its glory. The bouquet is a bold, unapologetic celebration of lime. It's as if one has been transported to a landfill of spent Coronas at the height of summer, with undertones of a light, malty effervescence that remind one of crisp mornings in the fraternity house.
Above: Leonardo DiCaprio raises a chilled glass of Cafe Agave Spiked Cold Brew Coffee while attending a black-tie gala at the Peggy Guggenheim Museum in Venice.